Been thinking a lot recently about a lot of things. For some time I have been "challenged" some what about my own beliefs. I've been reading some books and getting exposed to lots of different thoughts about life and all. But I still got to say, I'm holding on to what I believe. Not just in God, but lots of other things I've thought about regarding love, people, etc. But anyway, I'm really tired. Lots of things are cooling down, but still, not much is really happening, not as much as I wanted to. Oh well, just gotta keep on going. There are some things in this world worth waiting for...=)

2 weeks. Hope it all goes well. Hope all goes as planned. If not, then, what can I say. Sigh, but just hoping... . Too many disappointments already. Too many...

Got to kill a lot of my stupid and meaningless little desires and wants. Keep me dancing around like a puppet for too long.

tuesday...played the most amazing basketball game of my life

When I saw the other team, I was like, "Oh krap. This isn't going to be as easy as we thought guys..." They had lots of huge guys. I knew for a fact we would get owned on the boards. We struggled a little during the first half, but we were able to sorta contain the other team. We were only down by 6 points. Second half started, Michelle sprained her ankle, so I took her spot. We were down about 12 points when for some reason, I just got pissed. It's weird. It wasn't like a "I'm going to kill you or take over" kinda piss. I just, didn't want to lose. I then scored all the 12 points in the half to get us back for a tie. With 30 seconds left in the game, my dream came true. I was dribbling the ball at mid-court, dribbling out the time for the last shot of the game. Game tied at 31, and the ball was in my hands for the win. Exactly like Kobe. I have always seen Kobe in that situation, and I've always longed to be in it. And what was strange, was that I wasn't scared of nervous at all. Everytime when the Lakers were in a tight spot like that, I was always nervous. But for some reason, with the ball in my hands, I was in a....different dimension. Nothing really mattered. All I knew was I needed to win. With 15 seconds left I drove into the lane and was trying to get free from the defenders. I got into the paint, where like 3 freaking huge guys jumped on me. I spun off and saw Jackie curl into the middle. I "dropped her the dime" =p and she banked it in. 2 seconds left, we up by 2. We go on to win. I don't know why I just started making my shots, or why I got mad, or why I wasn't the least bit nervous. But that game really gave me some insight into who I am. Made me think about some things a little...

I hate math

Got to learn to control the output of my emotions better still.

Can't believe it. It's already the 4th week into the Winter Quarter. Wow, time sure is flying by way too fast. These past 3 weeks have just been a blur. Felt like I was in a fast car, watching everything blow by me. Because everything's just been so quick and demanding, I have lost focus on so many things. The "hell" weeks that I experience left me vulnerable, emotionally. Made some mistakes, and to that person I once again say that I'm very sorry. But things are settling down and it's time to get things straight; my head, life, direction, attitude, everything. Even though since school started, I've been so busy and doing a lot of things, it was different than before. The purpose and satisfication I got from doing things was missing. I didn't take the time to really understand or figure out why and what I was doing. I just did it. Got to slow things down, at least in my head. Take a step back and just take a breath.

Got to rise above my mistakes and ghosts of the past. The past may be who I am today, but not who I will be tomorrow.

I want to cry. Not because things are so bad for me or anything. I honestly dont know why. It's just that this past week for so many people that I know, it has been so hard and tough. All the things that I found out that happened to those that I love and care about, and so many other things, I don't know what to say. I've grown so much over the last week than I have in years. I thank God so much for putting me through this week. It was hell, but He really is in control and good. I am getting stronger, and I will be strong one day. I will make my own path, be a leader, not a follower. Although this year totally did not start out how I thought and wanted it to, I can say now  that in fact, if I could go back and somehow choose how I wanted this week to go, I wouldn't change anything. The things that happened and situations that I was confronted with, they all played an intricate and important part in shaping my mind and heart. I'm realizing so many new things, whether about me or the world. I can feel my growth. I finally feel that I am where I want to be, headed towards where I want to go in life. And I know that I don't deserve one bit of it. I thank God each day for all the blessings I have in life. My abilities, my responsibilites, my experiences, my joys, and all those great people that I have had the pleasure of getting to know. I still have so much more to grow. But for once in my life, I know that I'm moving in the direction I want to be moving in.  

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Check out godsman4eva xanga entry. I don't care if you have time or not. Read it.

Things have been really stressful for me lately. Last week was really tough already, but I knew that this week would be a killer. And I was right, more than I had thought. When I was thinking about how tough it would be, I was thinking about it in terms of being hard physically and mentally. But as some people know, it has been more emotionally stressfully and, tough. A lot of bad things happening. It really isn't easy to do what I have to do, especially when so much around you isn't going the way you had hoped and were so excited for them to happen. But it's okay. I know God is still with me, and I was reminded by godsman4eva that God is always with me and that everything that happens is for the good of me, the best for me. I just gotta keep on moving forward and learning, growing, doing what I need to do.

STRENGTH