Rare Update - perhaps long before the next one comes up

Note: The country where I am blocked xanga since a few months ago and I could never check/update xanga since then. Thanks to my brother's graduation that I am now typing this stuff in London.

This is a much needed break for me...I feel so dry after living in a comparatively enclosed place for an extended time. Wondering around on the streets of London remind me the days in U.S. where I can see people of various skin colors. Crowded but energetic, much better than where I am at.

Gonna miss the days soon...

2004 vs 2006

Something written on my blog two years ago.

----------------Start of quote-------------- 2004.10.25 - 寂

My tolerance of loneliness has been dramatically reduced after I moved back to Hong Kong. May be I am expecting too much, but staying home alone in HK isn't too fun a thing to experience, especially when it lasts for a few days. Sometimes I feel bad to ask friends out as, I think, they need time to stay with family or loved ones during weekends. Interesting how, in the states, I can always comfortably ask friends out during weekends and after work. Largely because many of them aren't with their families, and lonely individuals naturally possess an affinity to group. At least I am feeling this way, wondering if friends in U.S. are feeling the same way as I do? --------- Wondering on the busy streets alone is such a fascinating, yet emotionally depressing, experience. Especially in CWB or Mongkok. Love to imagine as if my mind has detached from my body and observe the contrast between "me" and the surrounding environment. BTW, I haven't been to MK after July - haven't had rotten bean curd after coming back to HK. I am such a loser. --------- Boredom drives me nuts. I am in HK now and open for all nights of rest of the week... --------- I am quite mad about the fact that I am unable to stay longer at a certain place - it ruins many of my longer term plans, especially those involving others (a.k.a. group activities). I know I am only 24 and life is still long ahead. I know, I KNOW, I know that too fucking well - as a part of the deal. --------- I start to miss the dating days. However, time isn't right; she and I are physically apart; and, most importantly, the right one would never be with me. When, where, and who - I have none. What more can I ask for except nightmares and regrets? --------- Seeing a few eyes on my icq contact list (and, ur bet, many more that I never see). I never use invisible mode (even though my visible list is not empty). Invisible is only for those who are too popular. This is such a luxury for me to afford. --------- Want to go out on Holloween/the night before. Any suggestions other than HK park indoor stadium and LKF? --------- Sissel's so good. If she ever holds concert in HK or Shanghai or Beijing I think I will try to attend at all cost. Another event I don't want to miss is Jacky Cheung's Snow Wolf Lake. Heard that it's gonna be in Beijing and the most expensive/cheapest tickets are ALL GONE. There are a few artists that I would like to go to their concert but not as eager as the above two. Oh, M33 is the only exception. I have already marked my calendar for their next concert. Can't wait. --------- Currently playing: "Human Touch" by Warren Wiebe CAN I FIND THE WORDS TO TELL YOU HOW I LIVE BETWEEN THE WALLS OF STEEL AND STONE HOW I CLOSE MY EYES TO FIND SOME KIND OF RAPTURE IN A WORLD WHERE YOU CAN FEEL SO ALL ALONE INSIDE I'M FULL OF LIGHT AND LAUGHTER THERE'S A FLAME THAT BURNS IN ME I NEED A WAY TO SET IT FREE WHEN YOU FIND LOVE IN YOUR HEART YOU CAN BELIEVE FROM THE START DREAMS THEY COME TRUE IT ALL COMES TO YOU, OH ALL AT ONCE IF YOU BELIEVE IN HUMAN TOUCH I SEE WANTING IN YOUR EYES AND I WONDER WILL I ALWAYS THINK OF YOU DO WE SIMPLY FIND OURSELVES AWAKENING AS ANGLES TOUCHED THE HEARTSTRINGS OF OUR SOULS WE CAN FIND A WAY TO BREAK THE MADNESS TAKE MY HAND AND COME WITH ME TO A PLACE WHERE WE CAN FEEL WHEN YOU FIND LOVE IN YOUR HEART THE LIGHT IN YOUR EYE IS A STAR CHANGE THAT YOU FEEL HELPS YOU TO HEAL FROM ALL THE REST IF YOU BELIEVE IN HUMAN TOUCH TELL ME THAT YOUR LOVE WILL LIVE FOREVER TAKE YOUR HAND AND TOUCH MY FACE OH, THE WARMTH OF YOUR SWEET EMBRACE WHEN YOU FIND LOVE IN YOUR HEART NOTHING CAN TEAR IT APART NOT MAN OF STEEL NOTHING IS REAL EXCEPT FOR LOVE IF YOU BELIEVE IN HUMAN TOUCH IF YOU BELIEVE IN HUMAN TOUCH It's a song used by the anime (a.k.a. cartoon) Gundam X. There are, in fact, quite some nice songs in Japanese cartoon. If you believe in human touch... Why wouldn't I? Nothing's warmer than body warmth passed thru a true-hearted embrace. --------- Saw this on a friend's xanga (me=my friend): guy A: i don't even play the guitar anymore me: why not? guy A: cuz its meaningless me: why? guy A: because music is not sex me: nice me: im posting this guy A: just keep it anonymous Absolutely DON'T agree with guy A. Harmony thru music is much more fulfilling than climax thru sex. M and F sluts fuck around just because those losers can't play music. --------- Think this is the longest single entry in my OD, though part of it is lyrics. --------- Disliking the religion yet liking the oratorium "Messiah"...how sarcastic it is. 11 years of Christian school, a few years of irregular fellowship attendance, a Christian gf, numerous Christian friends, among those are two best-of-the-best. All these didn't turn me to Christian. A single individual is all it takes to keep me away from it. Who knows, may be one day there's sby draws me there? I have this little, seemingly impossible, but absolutely insane wish. Yet for all's sake it'd better that this dream won't come true. --------- I wish you good luck, my friend. I would never have the courage as you do and I am truly impressed. --------- I hate to admit that I actually can speak more fluent English than I do in Mandarin, but seems like that's the case at this moment. Never am I a fluent talker anyways, but at least I need to get my thoughts across. --------- Starting to agree a saying overheard some time ago, "Whatever major you go after in college, just not business". What specific knowledge does the BBA degree gives me (and others)? At best touching different fields, getting a bite here and there without really having the whole pie. --------- 1AM. Can't believe I am cracking random things for over an hour. I am stressed lately indeed. Sigh. Thousand thoughts go over my mind and I can't keep them organize every now and then. Don't feel bad for not able to comprehend this particular entry. It IS random and is the best manifest of my current mindset. Now, Here, At this moment, I am picking up myself again, piece by piece. --------- Now playing: 孤獨探戈 by Eason Chan 你可知道石頭 要幾多眼淚才被沖走 你早知探戈 一下推一下卸 便會失手 你可知我背後 有幾多冷汗朝著你流 如共你再錯失半步 便是我的盡頭 明白沒有 在懸崖上哪可退後 你要轉左我不會行右 望著自己的影像搖曳跌蕩 仍然優雅地盲目搏鬥 明白沒有 任何難度我都接受 我痛惜惜你最新好友 捏著自己的心臟狂烈跳動 但求跟你伴奏 殘酷夠 仁慈未夠 離別舞別遺漏 團聚夠 裂痕未夠 憑甚麼換對手 抱上抱下 我是不倒的一個木偶 我一跌一碰 紅地毯不懂痛楚 任由你踐踏 強逼你回頭 我有想過復仇 至少可製造 留下理由 其實我怕說聲再會便是世間盡頭 明白沒有 在懸崖上哪可退後 你要轉左我不會行右 望著自己的影像搖曳跌蕩 仍然優雅地盲目搏鬥 明白沒有 任何難度我都接受 我痛惜惜你最新好友 捏著自己的心臟狂烈跳動 但求跟你伴奏 殘酷夠 仁慈未夠 離別舞別遺漏 團聚夠 裂痕未夠 憑甚麼換對手 抱上抱下 我是不倒的一個木偶 我一跌一碰 紅地毯不懂痛楚 任由你踐踏 強逼你回頭 柔腸被磨碎之後 能覆蓋宇宙 The song 謊言 is another all-time favourite of mine, but it would never surpass my ultimate favourite, 傷信. --------- How much I wish I could fly - 2004.10.25 @ 0127 (GMT+8) ---------------End of quote---------------- A few months in second half of 2004 were quite a disaster for me in terms of personal development. It was after I resigned from Dell and moved back to Hong Kong. During that time I was hoovering between two different projects in China without being able to get a grip of what I should do. And so I had so much down time which was pretty annoying to be honest. The biggets changes would be, compared to 2 years ago, much more of my attention (especially in the past 6 months) have been directed towards my work, which is a good thing, and so I rarely care about loneliness - though I still am but I would rather sleep than think. Of course, the panic attack comes at times but it no matter would bug me anymore. Yet there are things that still hold after 2 years (and perhaps after many years): - Sissel is still good - Sluts fuck around because they don't play music, or don't dance, so they need intercourse to fill their emptiness - Nothing's warmer than a true-hearted embrace - I am still not a fans of Christianity yet my insane wish had been cleansed, because the subjects no longer have any attachment in me Where would I be after another 2 years? Oh, and now I speak mandarin more fluent than English...

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Leave the negatives for myself  §â´d¶Ë¯dµ¹¦Û¤v

Life hasn't been very smooth for me recently, yet by no means it's bad either. What provokes me to write on this is simply because I have been thinking about it for a long while, and without letting it out my mind may not be able to move on.

Very often I choose to remain silence on my unpleasant experience/feelings. Not that I don't have people that I would like or feel comfortable to expose myself, rather, I always ask myself "What is the outcome/consequence" before I do something (given that when I am not too pissed off and lose my cool). To me, the key is even if I share my stories with my friends, the bad thing which leads to the hard feeling itself won't get any better. So, perhaps it's better worth to spend the time to work something out rather than moaning over what had already happened and can't change?

Moreover, hearing a bad story from a close someone doesn't lighten up one's day in any way, and I feel sorry if I have to put on some emotional loads on my valued people's shoulder in order to make myself feel better, while haven't had dealt with the fundamental source at the end of the day. Very often, it's the perspective of how I look at the thing that needs to change in order to make me feel better, but not simply letting the thing out.

With these said, I would be more than willing to provide a shoulder for my dear friends if they would feel even just a bit better. Afterall, it's simply of matter of choice by myself.

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