Often i feel like i’m destined to play the supporting role in life.

Like everyone else’s lives are playing all around me and i just...support.

It’s not depressing, it’s just... sometimes i wish that mine was the lead, you know?

It’s easy for me to act – i think it’s easy for anyone – because we do it everyday anyway.

But in a way acting also requires of you to be in touch with your centre – your heart i.e. the real you. That which would remain if all else was chiseled away.

When i say people act everyday anyway – i mean to say that we are different people in different situations and that means that as we adapt to that situation, so we act differently to meet the requirements for such a situation.

I know i sound all formal. Sometimes being formal is necessary. You can’t be slapstick, dilly and ditzy all the time and risk being known as an airhead.

I sometimes wonder if people see me as an airhead.

I know i’m not doing as i am supposed to academically, and that i daily make a fool of myself – but these things i do on purpose.

Don’t ask me why, i hate doing it.

I had a dream recently – i was pulling out my own teeth. It was a very strange sensation. I do believe that i now know what it will feel like if i do decide -on a whim- that i want to pull my teeth from my mouth with my bare hands.

It didn’t hurt though.

I guess it’s because i’m often so serious with myself.

I want to let go, but i’m so stuck in the conventional and the mundane that i shy from getting loose.

I think my mom has had a great influence on that as well.

She is forever saying, “What will the neighbours think?”

Bloody well, for all i care, and i often want to pounce on her when she utters these words; but there we are. I am also constantly worrying of what the neighbours will think, even though i don’t give a damn and this makes my desire to scream out loud even greater.

You’ve got to break loose sometimes.

I drew my hand the day before last.

Mission accomplished.

I have this thing i call ‘shot-prayers’

You know when you have to cut copies of work that you need to stick into your workbook? I hate the wastage (keep looking for ways to live greener!) and so, i began writing short prayers and requests on them, coz i get kind of lost during schooltime. It’s more of an exercise to re-direct me constantly.

Mostly i just chuck the little papers into my pencil case and forget about them, but on days like these – when the mess gets too much and i get to clean it – i read what i’ve written and whatever i was going through at that time becomes crystally apparent through my words. I love this time, because it gives me a chance to properly thank God for the job he has blessed my cousin with, and the Math study guide i’m currently working through, as well as allowing me to reflect on how i could have done things differently, but more likely thought differently. Mostly my self-admonishments are along the line of : Why didn’t I trust God fully in this?

God, can i just let go in You? And not worry at all?

A much younger Megan wrote that, a very little while back.
Not so very long ago. Maybe she’s not so much younger.
I still have so much to learn, so much to surrender.
I wish I could trust in a drop of a pin, but i don’t think it’s that easy. I’ve tried, but i keep taking my cares back.

”Thank you, Lord, you’ve had them for some time now, but i get kinda agitated without them, i think i’ll just take them back for a little while.”

Ridiculous. Maybe it is as easy as just trusting at a drop of a pin. I’ve been able to attend a local church, and although it’s way charismatic, it might be just what i need (oh, my conservative self). I’d really like to get more involved there, and just be part of an established Body. But i digress. Last Sunday, the preach was about trusting God.

To trust means to seek refuge, to seek shelter under the wings of God, reliance or confidence in a certain entity. Now, while there are many reasons that a person may lose trust in another, it says in Numbers 23:19 that “God is not a man that he should lie, or a son of man that he should change his mind…”

Shelter and refuge. A definite idea of resting. According to Glenda Watson, rest is the most powerful position of faith. To rest in God, means to cease from your own labour. To stop trying to make things happen in your life, to totally surrender control.

In that we find peace. Shalom – peace in Hebrew. It encompasses completeness, health, tranquility, rest, prosperity, wellness, absence of agitation, and much more.

People want peace. Not necessarily talking about world peace – my sincerest apologies to all acclaimed and aspiring beauty queens – but peace within themselves.
It’s why people stress so much.
And while that may seem like a non-sense statement, think about it.
People are constantly battling (or perceive themselves to be battling) against the flow of the universe. They want more – a better job, more money, a bigger house, a faster car, a fulfilling relationship. But what they really want is peace. Peace in the assurance of their self-worth, peace in knowing that they and their loved ones will be provided for.
But greater than all these is the knowledge that, irrespective of any and all external circumstances, God is bigger than all of that, and He is Sovereign and Almighty and He rules over it all, and if He so wills it, then it is to the benefit of all.