Do you ever encounter those huge yellow "35 MPH" signs on the sharp turns of freeways? To all the drivers out there...do you guys actually slow down until the needle on your speedometer settles over the 35 miles per hour mark? This Sunday as I was driving back to Davis from SF on the 80, I came across two of those signs right after the Bay Bridge. Laugh if you want, but when I saw the first sign, I really did slow down to 35 mph. The first emotion that surged through me was a feeling of ripped-off-ness. I was beating myself over slowing down because clearly, I would have made the turn at 60 mph like everyone else that was driving next to me. And, no one else slowed down, so why in planet zenon did I? So guess what I did when I saw the next sign? Yeup, I didn't slow down, and it felt good. It felt good, because I felt that I had defeated the seeming injustice of the whole situation. I was going just as fast as everyone else on the road, and I didn't "miss out." I wasn't the loser that abided by the rules.

The truth is, I'm fickle, and I have little faith. I could argue back and say, "no, no, I have plenty of faith! I go to church on Sundays and I read my Bible everyday and I pray to God everyday!" Yes, I have faith, but not enough to trust that I would have been completely okay going through the turn at 35 miles per hour. There was no loss at all, it was just my foolish little mind thinking the whole time that I was missing out. That I'm a safe and uncool driver that goes by the speed limit. So to conquer my childish problem, I decided to skew the law to my liking by not slowing down.

Where does our faith come from? The more and more I interact with people, the more and more I realize that there is just no possible way we can get that great stuff on our own. There is just NO, possible way. We're so trapped in our unbelief, there is just no possible way. We can't just muster up an 8 ounce cup of FAITH and drink it. It just work doesn't like that. Okay, so give up?

I guess so, if we think we can do it on our own. Or maybe there's something else to it that we're forgetting. A lot of times we like to talk about faith, but more often than that we don't remember WHO it all comes from. God. Him and His sweet, sweeet grace. His grace is what sustains us, what pulls us away from the paganistic world, from a life of sinful unbelief and faithlessness.

I told you guys about my freeway story because I wanted to share with you what you already know, I guess. that we're all so susceptible to the sin of becoming a part of the world, when we all know that the Bible tells us to be apart from it. It's easy for me. So easy to just break a traffic law and do the cool thing, or to compromise God's Words in the Bible to be a part of the world. To secretly wish that I was a part of something that was a bit "more popular" or something that was more in tune with the culture of this place we're at.

This is one of the sins that I struggle with the most. I struggle with it when I think about school, when I think about my future, I struggle when I think about paying the bills, and whenever I feel like I need to compete with my neighbor or do exactly what they're doing just so I can "survive." I know my survival is not dependent on the grades I get, my career, the amount of money I make, and most definitely not dependent on how cool I look when I'm speeding on the highway! Yea, I really do know that. But sometimes it's just really really hard to act wisely using what I know.

Sometimes I grow so weary. I get so tired, and to be honest, I feel like I just really can't do it anymore. I get so tired of sin, of worldliness, of the flesh. It's SO hard to search and yearn for God when He's hidden in all this STUFF! It's SO hard to recall the words that He has put in my heart and listen to them, and it's so hard to completely trust Him. I get so sick of my sin, and I really do hate it.

I take a 20-25 minute bike ride to work everyday right after school, and then I bike back to campus to catch the bus after work. It's pretty much scorching hot in Davis right now...in the hundreds. It's a cool ride though... I get to see pretty white horses and have time alone to think about my day. So today, immediately after class...I took off, with an attitude that wasn't so hot. I got my physics quiz back today, and I just wasn't really pleased with the grade I received. So I biked off to work, angry at myself for reasons that you would expect. I don't know exactly what it was, but i'm guessing it had to be a mixture of the hot humid weather, my physics grade, my growling stomach, and the revelation that I was angry over a bunch of events that God had so sovereignly placed into my day today that made me cry and burst out in tears. And it wasn't just today, that's how it is everyday. The bitter foolishness, but the sweetness tenfold of assurance God's attributes. His graciously loving gracious perfect grace! Another 18 awesome words could go in front of that and it still wouldn't do the beauty of God's grace justice.

So there really is nothing else that I CAN do, but pray. We can search all we want, but we can't find unless God's grace provides for us. I run away from the truth everyday. We can only pray that God will keep us in His hand and prevent us from our human actions of turning away from the truth, running towards the world. We can only pray to strive for God and His holiness, and for salvation from our unbelief that we are just so susceptible to. And at the end of it all... we can just praise God for who He is.

Thanks for reading this whole long thing.


Love,
 Becca

P.S. This is going to be my last post on xanga. I have a whole bunch of reasons, but maybe I'll end up blogging somewhere else. If i do, I'll let chaaaallll know!

my bike got stolen.

AGAIN!!

yes it was locked. AND it had a flat tire. whyyyyy didn't they choose another one to steal?!

roar.

the end.

How can a young man keep his way pure? By keeping it according to Thy word.
With all my heart I have sought Thee; Do not let me wander from Thy commandments.
Thy word I have treasured in my heart, That I may not sin against Thee.
Blessed art Thou, O LORD; Teach me Thy statutes.
With my lips I have told of All the ordinances of Thy mouth.
I have rejoiced in the way of Thy testimonies, As much as in all riches.
I will meditate on Thy precepts, And regard Thy ways.
I shall delight in Thy statutes; I shall not forget Thy word.

Psalm 119:9-16

make time for what you think is important. some things aren't just a discipline for their own sake.

i know i said i'd update about my past quarter at davis, but i guess this is it. it doesn't seem like a lot...but trust me, it was a pretty saturated period of learning.

and it goes on!

i thought about changing the color of this page and the picture and the interests and blahhh blah all that, but EH. puahaha...if God is just as holy today and tomorrow and forever, then my page should stay just as erm, aqua...today, tomorrow and forever, RIGHT?

right. k must go.. time for some FUN organic chemistry in the SUN.

until next time, wonderful ones!