| i haven't written in here in over a year. hardly anyone i know uses this, or even reads it. but i was talking to julie about it today, and i kinda miss this thing. part of me feel selfish for wanting to write in it, especially since i just write in my notebook all the time. it's like i'm just screaming out for people to read into my life and have sympathy for me. because i haven't felt like writing in here until my world just came crashing down in one week. so much is going wrong, and it's so hard to handle. i can't even begin to write it down in pen, it's too overwhelming. i have decided i can not perform "a christmas carol". the last time i did, in freshman year, my uncle died. he was a large part of my red apron for the scene where tiny tim is dead. this year, my aunt died (week before tech week, just like freshman year) and again it's part of my inspiration of my red apron for tiny tim's death. it's going to be hard to look back at performing that show with those kind of memories attached to it. my other red apron, my recent broken heart, that's going to affect my memory a lot. it's going to affect how i do a lot of things. my decisions are going to be so much more carefuly decided, i just can not do anything like that again. (not that i ever really wanted to anyway). i refuse to believe i lost him. i refuse to belive that you can have feelings that were supposedly so strong and then just turn them off and compare them to a friend. it's not realistic. i just hope that by giving him the space he needs to sort things out he can make a true decision. i think he was so affected by everyone else's decision. he said his heart said to stay, but his head said to go. everything i've ever heard, it's always been follow your heart because that's what's ultimately right. but i held my tongue. i didn't want to get involved with his decision because it needed to be what he was happy with. i admit, i thought that he would listen to his heart and i trusted that so much. i trusted that he knew me better than that, he knew i lived with this guilt everyday. i feel sick to my stomach everyday, cry myself to sleep every night. i couldn't tell him that in fear of sending him into a guilt trip. but i should have. looking back, i should have said my side because he had no idea. he only heard a piece of it after he made his decision and he's too stubborn. i only hope that in time he will open his eyes and realize what really happen. and if not, then i doubt everything there ever was and all feelings of everyone. it was hard enough for me to belive in the first place that someone would have those kind of feelings for me after so long of rejection. i could not come to terms that i really was that girl on someone's mind, that they couldn't live without. that all they wanted from me was to lay with me and listen to me breath. he was everything i had every asked and hoped for in a boyfriend. absolutely everything. and that in itself made it so hard to believe. how did i of all people end up in this? i told him once that this was too good to be true. he said not to say something like that because i would doubt it. and maybe, on some subconcious level i did. and maybe that's why i made the absolute worst mistake of my life. but every mistake you makes turns you into a different person if you know what to do with what you learn. and i do, i truely do. i just hope that he sees that and can in time forgive and somewhat forget. to give me a second chance. i know i am a completely different person with this turn of events, and i want to show him that. i want to earn that back. i want to pull a boy meets boy and show him how i care instead of telling him, because he means that way to me that noah did to paul. i just want that second chance. today though, as i was walking around with julie, i realized that maybe i should move on. i am so torn between what to do. i know i want to just sit and wait and see what happens. that maybe if i hope enough he will come back. but i'm afraid i will fall into that endless spiral of falling into hope that so many people do. what if i sit around forever, passing up oppertunities, because i'm waiting to see what this one will say. that's not fair to myself, especially if in the end i realize he isn't going to come around and i miss out on some other great guy. so the question becomes, how long do i wait? i can't sit around forever, but part of me has to. i have to know how this all turns out. usually what my heart is telling me is right, but when i got that phone call saying it was over, i was taken aback more by knowing i had judged him wrong. i don't want to wait. i have to know. i have to fast forward because i really don't think i can make it through all this time. i can't. through all of this, i feel like no one is on my side. i think he made this decision from the influence of all his friends who were against me. i know he stood up for me for 2 weeks while he battled this. there was no one there to take in account how it affects me. which i know is selfish, but i still believe that if he cared about me at all, he would care about that. but it's not just his friends that i feel like are against me. i feel like my friends are bored with what i have to say. i know i repeat myself and my situations (like i belive i am doing in this post) but it's how i sort things out. but sometimes, it's like they just humor me for the sake of it. and i know they'll come up and say this isn't true if people actually read these. but it's hard for me to grasp the concept that people actually have some kind of feeling towards me. somehow, it's easier to understant that they don't like me rather than they do. and that feels degrading because on a subconcious level, it's like saying i don't deserve for people to like me at all. that i know i am a horrible, spiteful, selfish, cynical person who really can't get along with others. so if i'm battling that, how can i come to full context that my friends and some boy really do care about me. that feelings in other people really do exist. why can i not accept that? i truely don't know. and because of that, sometimes i don't take other people's feelings into account. i act before i think all the time, and that's why i can say or do things so easily. it's something i've always had and always dealt with. but finally after all this time, with my most recent mistake, i was given that final shove and i truely believe that everything about my attitude with other people is going to change. i know i've always been a compassionate person, although this is kind of coming off as i'm not. believe me i am. it's very complicated to explain. when i know someone is hurting i want to take all that away from them. they don't need that. but when it has to connect to any emotion envolving me, it doesn't seem real to me and that's when i don't care. i've heard people all my life say they love me, but i admit, every time someone says it i question them. do they really know me? and if so, how can you still love me? i know it seems hypocritical of me, but i do love all my friends, especially those who said they loved me at some point. because they say it, even though i question it, i respect them for that and can build that emotion towards them. and i know this entire paragrapgh contradicts itself so many times, but this has som what become a stream of concious because i can't seem to get my mind off of any of these cynical thoughts. and writing always seems to make them go away a little. on a last note for this subject though, it really is true. "we accept the love we think we deserve." moving on from that, it also hit me today that senior good-byes are this year. it's so hard to imagine that this is the year that they say things to us. everyone who goes up. this is the year we talk to everyone in the cast and somehow all those things we've wanted to say get brought up in front of everyone with no shame. i don't want my liberty theatre years to be over, and i'm dreading that final curtain call for beauty and the beast. but a part of me is dying to fast forward to see what everyone says to me. i think that's all any of us really want out of this. i'm so scared to walk out on that stage one final time. i know it won't be my last performance ever, but it will be the last one for the first true love of my life. and for as much as i don't want to grow up, i never want to leave my beautiful stage. either the one at main campus or freshman, my heart lies with both. "most people write who they supposedly '<3' on these walls. well from this spot i can see my first love. the stage." - anonymous '93 taken fromm the lighting room wall at main campus stage before the construction. and when it's all done, i'm putting that back up there where it belongs. i think i'm done. i've got that numb feeling where i've spent out all of my emotions. i've said most of what i've needed to say for a while. i just hope i've drained it all out of my head. because tech week is coming and i know i could never expect myself to survive tech week while dealing with all of this. |
