penguinprncss9890's Xanga

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Wed, 28 Nov 2007 04:54:13 GMT

i haven't written in here in over a year. hardly anyone i know uses this, or even reads it. but i was talking to julie about it today, and i kinda miss this thing. part of me feel selfish for wanting to write in it, especially since i just write in my notebook all the time. it's like i'm just screaming out for people to read into my life and have sympathy for me. because i haven't felt like writing in here until my world just came crashing down in one week. so much is going wrong, and it's so hard to handle. i can't even begin to write it down in pen, it's too overwhelming.

i have decided i can not perform "a christmas carol". the last time i did, in freshman year, my uncle died. he was a large part of my red apron for the scene where tiny tim is dead. this year, my aunt died (week before tech week, just like freshman year) and again it's part of my inspiration of my red apron for tiny tim's death. it's going to be hard to look back at performing that show with those kind of memories attached to it.

my other red apron, my recent broken heart, that's going to affect my memory a lot. it's going to affect how i do a lot of things. my decisions are going to be so much more carefuly decided, i just can not do anything like that again. (not that i ever really wanted to anyway). i refuse to believe i lost him. i refuse to belive that you can have feelings that were supposedly so strong and then just turn them off and compare them to a friend. it's not realistic. i just hope that by giving him the space he needs to sort things out he can make a true decision. i think he was so affected by everyone else's decision. he said his heart said to stay, but his head said to go. everything i've ever heard, it's always been follow your heart because that's what's ultimately right. but i held my tongue. i didn't want to get involved with his decision because it needed to be what he was happy with. i admit, i thought that he would listen to his heart and i trusted that so much. i trusted that he knew me better than that, he knew i lived with this guilt everyday. i feel sick to my stomach everyday, cry myself to sleep every night. i couldn't tell him that in fear of sending him into a guilt trip. but i should have. looking back, i should have said my side because he had no idea. he only heard a piece of it after he made his decision and he's too stubborn. i only hope that in time he will open his eyes and realize what really happen. and if not, then i doubt everything there ever was and all feelings of everyone. it was hard enough for me to belive in the first place that someone would have those kind of feelings for me after so long of rejection. i could not come to terms that i really was that girl on someone's mind, that they couldn't live without. that all they wanted from me was to lay with me and listen to me breath. he was everything i had every asked and hoped for in a boyfriend. absolutely everything. and that in itself made it so hard to believe. how did i of all people end up in this? i told him once that this was too good to be true. he said not to say something like that because i would doubt it. and maybe, on some subconcious level i did. and maybe that's why i made the absolute worst mistake of my life. but every mistake you makes turns you into a different person if you know what to do with what you learn. and i do, i truely do. i just hope that he sees that and can in time forgive and somewhat forget. to give me a second chance. i know i am a completely different person with this turn of events, and i want to show him that. i want to earn that back. i want to pull a boy meets boy and show him how i care instead of telling him, because he means that way to me that noah did to paul. i just want that second chance.

today though, as i was walking around with julie, i realized that maybe i should move on. i am so torn between what to do. i know i want to just sit and wait and see what happens. that maybe if i hope enough he will come back. but i'm afraid i will fall into that endless spiral of falling into hope that so many people do. what if i sit around forever, passing up oppertunities, because i'm waiting to see what this one will say. that's not fair to myself, especially if in the end i realize he isn't going to come around and i miss out on some other great guy. so the question becomes, how long do i wait? i can't sit around forever, but part of me has to. i have to know how this all turns out. usually what my heart is telling me is right, but when i got that phone call saying it was over, i was taken aback more by knowing i had judged him wrong. i don't want to wait. i have to know. i have to fast forward because i really don't think i can make it through all this time. i can't.

through all of this, i feel like no one is on my side. i think he made this decision from the influence of all his friends who were against me. i know he stood up for me for 2 weeks while he battled this. there was no one there to take in account how it affects me. which i know is selfish, but i still believe that if he cared about me at all, he would care about that. but it's not just his friends that i feel like are against me. i feel like my friends are bored with what i have to say. i know i repeat myself and my situations (like i belive i am doing in this post) but it's how i sort things out. but sometimes, it's like they just humor me for the sake of it. and i know they'll come up and say this isn't true if people actually read these. but it's hard for me to grasp the concept that people actually have some kind of feeling towards me. somehow, it's easier to understant that they don't like me rather than they do. and that feels degrading because on a subconcious level, it's like saying i don't deserve for people to like me at all. that i know i am a horrible, spiteful, selfish, cynical person who really can't get along with others. so if i'm battling that, how can i come to full context that my friends and some boy really do care about me. that feelings in other people really do exist. why can i not accept that? i truely don't know. and because of that, sometimes i don't take other people's feelings into account. i act before i think all the time, and that's why i can say or do things so easily. it's something i've always had and always dealt with. but finally after all this time, with my most recent mistake, i was given that final shove and i truely believe that everything about my attitude with other people is going to change. i know i've always been a compassionate person, although this is kind of coming off as i'm not. believe me i am. it's very complicated to explain. when i know someone is hurting i want to take all that away from them. they don't need that. but when it has to connect to any emotion envolving me, it doesn't seem real to me and that's when i don't care. i've heard people all my life say they love me, but i admit, every time someone says it i question them. do they really know me? and if so, how can you still love me? i know it seems hypocritical of me, but i do love all my friends, especially those who said they loved me at some point. because they say it, even though i question it, i respect them for that and can build that emotion towards them. and i know this entire paragrapgh contradicts itself so many times, but this has som what become a stream of concious because i can't seem to get my mind off of any of these cynical thoughts. and writing always seems to make them go away a little. on a last note for this subject though, it really is true. "we accept the love we think we deserve."

moving on from that, it also hit me today that senior good-byes are this year. it's so hard to imagine that this is the year that they say things to us. everyone who goes up. this is the year we talk to everyone in the cast and somehow all those things we've wanted to say get brought up in front of everyone with no shame. i don't want my liberty theatre years to be over, and i'm dreading that final curtain call for beauty and the beast. but a part of me is dying to fast forward to see what everyone says to me. i think that's all any of us really want out of this. i'm so scared to walk out on that stage one final time. i know it won't be my last performance ever, but it will be the last one for the first true love of my life. and for as much as i don't want to grow up, i never want to leave my beautiful stage. either the one at main campus or freshman, my heart lies with both. "most people write who they supposedly '<3' on these walls. well from this spot i can see my first love. the stage." - anonymous '93 taken fromm the lighting room wall at main campus stage before the construction. and when it's all done, i'm putting that back up there where it belongs.

i think i'm done. i've got that numb feeling where i've spent out all of my emotions. i've said most of what i've needed to say for a while. i just hope i've drained it all out of my head. because tech week is coming and i know i could never expect myself to survive tech week while dealing with all of this.

i stole this from lauren.

Tue, 24 Oct 2006 22:21:16 GMT

SO, the older i get... the more i just want to be five again.

therefore. i refuse to EVER completely "grow up".

i will always prefer the ground over any chair.

i willl always choose sidewalk chalk over colored pencils.

chocolate chip cookies will always be my favorite.

i will always sing badly on purpose when i'm with friends.

i will always love winnie the pooh (and tigger too)

i will always adore the Pebble and the Penguin

i will always prefer daydreaming over watching TV

i will always wear flip-flops when it strikes my fancy, even in winter

i will always make snow angels

i will always throw snowballs at every unsuspecting person in sight

i will always feel bad for my snowmen when it gets dark... "he must be lonely..."

i will always laugh so hard that tears stream down my face

i will always refuse to ride, when i can walk

i will always love to curl up with a good Nancy Drew or Hardy Boys mystery

i will always be ridiculously clumsy, just to make people laugh

i will always love to color

i will always love getting a new stuffed animal

i will always love using old or goofy phrases like, "good gravy" "heavens to betsy" and "fiddle sticks," or just make up completely new words like "patooky" - (it means a ridiculous mess that shouldn't have happened)

i will always let my teeth chatter when its cold... cuz its a funny sound

i will always laugh whenever someone says "poop." i can't help it...

i will always get excited when i go into a toy store

i will always love to play hopscotch and freez tag

i will always... be a kid at heart.

: )

update for a goat.

Tue, 17 Oct 2006 00:02:08 GMT

Pngnprincess9890: haha. i still haven't updated.
twofoursixohhwon: JERK
Pngnprincess9890: haha
twofoursixohhwon: lol
twofoursixohhwon: UPDATE
Pngnprincess9890: notes and sleeping/lack of concentration in chemistry...
Pngnprincess9890: hmmmmm
Pngnprincess9890: i wonder what that has to do with....
twofoursixohhwon: shutup! [squeak]
Pngnprincess9890: lol
twofoursixohhwon: see
twofoursixohhwon: i update
Pngnprincess9890: but more than one person reads your xanga.
Pngnprincess9890: you[apostrophe]re the only person i know of that reads my xanga.
twofoursixohhwon: lol
twofoursixohhwon: nice apostrophe
twofoursixohhwon: nobody reads your xanga anymore because you DON'T UPDATE
Pngnprincess9890: you were the only one who read it before.
Pngnprincess9890: so if i don[apostrophe]t update you[apostrophe]re the only one who gets annoyed and it[apostrophe]s more fun.
twofoursixohhwon: jerk
twofoursixohhwon: that's not true though
twofoursixohhwon: lol
twofoursixohhwon: kristal
twofoursixohhwon: kasey
Pngnprincess9890: ah that[apostrophe]s alright. they don[apostrophe]t complain.
twofoursixohhwon: well
twofoursixohhwon: i do
twofoursixohhwon: because i want you to update
twofoursixohhwon: lol
Pngnprincess9890: i know.
twofoursixohhwon: UPDATE
twofoursixohhwon: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
twofoursixohhwon: do it
twofoursixohhwon: do it
twofoursixohhwon: do it
twofoursixohhwon: you won't do it
Pngnprincess9890: why, you[apostrophe]re right.
Pngnprincess9890: i won[apostrophe]t.
twofoursixohhwon: i'll make you a mix cd if you update regularly
Pngnprincess9890: haha
Pngnprincess9890: bribes huh?
twofoursixohhwon: yes
Pngnprincess9890: i might need one to start me off. then we[apostrophe]ll see.
twofoursixohhwon: fuck you
Pngnprincess9890: haha
Pngnprincess9890: you know you want to.
twofoursixohhwon: nope
twofoursixohhwon: i'm not bending my brine
twofoursixohhwon: bribe
Pngnprincess9890: haha brine.
twofoursixohhwon: haha
Pngnprincess9890: we[apostrophe]ll see. we[apostrophe]ll see.
twofoursixohhwon: no
twofoursixohhwon: now i take it back
Pngnprincess9890: fine.
twofoursixohhwon: no mix
Pngnprincess9890: i was just updating too.
Pngnprincess9890: no update for you.
twofoursixohhwon: idk
twofoursixohhwon: idc
twofoursixohhwon: anymore
twofoursixohhwon: i made a good offer, and you got greedy
twofoursixohhwon: so there you go
Pngnprincess9890: eh. oh well.
twofoursixohhwon: you'll have to do something really cool to get a mix now
twofoursixohhwon:
Pngnprincess9890: what? strip?
twofoursixohhwon: haha
twofoursixohhwon: how ever did you guess
Pngnprincess9890: i just don[apostrophe]t know.
twofoursixohhwon: haha

This is to the plain girls.

Fri, 07 Jul 2006 02:07:06 GMT

this is to the plain girls,
those that are like me,
ones that learned the hard way,
that choices are not free.

this is to the plain girls,
who sit alone all day,
with empty email boxes,
and sit alone to play.

this is to the plain girls,
who know they can not change,
and want to show the boy the love,
they simple are not strange.

this is to the plain girls,
with sadness in their hearts.
this is to the plain girls,
who want another start.

-meghan

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Sat, 01 Jul 2006 21:31:58 GMT

i don't think i've really hung out with a lot of people since about a week after school let out.

sorry.

this summer isn't shaping into what i thought it would be.

My Summer Schedule

Tue, 13 Jun 2006 22:59:15 GMT

The following schedule is being posted in hope people will make plans with me.

Thank you.

June 14 - Lion King?
June 16 - Yaht Party!
June 20 - 25 Family Vacation
June 26-30 Day Camp
Camp camp (dates currently unknown)
July 24 - 28 Day Camp & Vacation Bible School
MUSIKFEST!
August 7 - 10 Day Camp
August 14 - 18 Day Camp
Band camp?
Possible Party at the end of August (still undecided)

So the days I'm working at day camp are only until noon so I can still do stuff at night. As you can see I don't have much planned. This means you comment me and make plans.

Thank you. Have a nice night.

<3 Meghan

Friday, June 02, 2006

Fri, 02 Jun 2006 01:56:28 GMT

this time next year....

i'll be a senior...

time goes by so fast.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Thu, 11 May 2006 23:59:14 GMT

So Fiddler is over....

BUT we got NINE Freddy nominations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

-Outstanding Performance by an Orchestra
-Outstanding Performance by a Featured Ensamble Member - Angela Colon (Yente)
-Outstanding Chorus
-Outstanding Performance by a Small Ensamble - Dave Ross, Gordon Mack, Tim Schaffer, Dave DeBoir (Bottle Dancers)
-Outstanding Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role - Mariel Iezzoni (Tzeitel)
-Outstanding Choreography
-Outstanding Production Number - Dream Sequence
-Outstanding Performance by and Actor in a Leading Role - <3 Nick Flatto <3 (Tevye)
and.....
-Outstanding Overall Production of a Musical!

Also....

Drama Club Elections were also held today. Those are as followed...

President: Honor Thapa
Vice President: Katie Willmorth
Recording Secretary: Kasey Lynch
Active Secretary: Ryan Deschler

Congrats to the new officers of drama club and cast, crew, and pit of Fiddler!

Also...
Should I get an ipod nano... or digital camera?

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Sat, 15 Apr 2006 23:36:11 GMT

Fiddler on the Roof

April 28, 29 and May 4, 5, 6 at 7pm

Tickets $7

You know you wanna come see us!

I think my wrists are against me. First the cist, now a burn on the other one.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Sat, 08 Apr 2006 22:19:39 GMT

So. Some of you know what happened 2 days ago. But most don't. And that is that my dad told me and mom that he wants to move out. Well, we talked about it and he isn't. But I found out why.

16 years ago when they first got married my mom was 3 months pregnant. Her first husband divorced her because he didn't want kids. Well, it was a boy...and about a year after his birth there was a lot of finacial problems, and they gave him up for adoption. My mom and him have been talking for the last 6 years or so. My mom and dad felt horrible for giving up my mom's son and they don't want to do that to me.

So yes...I have an older half-brother. I really don't know what to say about this. I don't know why I cried when they told me. I just don't know a lot. But my parents are going to work things out...and maybe in a year or two I'll meet my brother.