First Track...Tra', Marley the bird and a baker in brown leather pants.

My Freshmen year of high school I was in a class called Musical Theater where we begin with pracaticing with improv and basic intorductions to stage and theater and then plan, from top to bottom, and put on a show.  We were doing Peter and the Wolf as a show with a child audience in mind.  I was cast as the duck and volunteered to be part of the costume desgn team.  Tra', a joke, nickname for a classmate named Tracy was on the costumt team with Marley and I.  Marley was cast as the bird.  It was a lot of fun to experiment in theater and work with new people I had never met but Tracy and Marley gave me an oppurtuntiy to open up a little more with my new sexual identiy as a gay person.  I could bounce my feelings off of them and see how they responded, this would give me courage to be more open to others in school.  I would page through magazine and point out cute guys.  I even put one of the guys in the cast in leather pants becuase I though they looked cute on him.  It was terrible, lol.  He was the baker in Into the Woods, the past spring and I though he was so cute then, I didn't realize it was the same person until later.  His name was Rick and he was very comfortable with me being gay, probably more then most guys in the school.  Recently he even had a gay roomate for a while so he is defienently not a homophobe.  The reason I share this is becaue it shows how choosing to label myself gay was an identity issue just as much as it was a sexual issue.  For me I wasn't ready to be sexualy invovled, and wouldn't let myself date (nor was there anyone out to date) at the time but the fun in making up a gay indentity for myself was exihilerating, it was rebellious, against the norm and at the same time did seem to very strongly resonate with my sexual feelings.  Most adolescents and late-middle-high school age kids are going through identity issues, this is why I believe coming out in high school and even middle school has become so common now.  Youth today love patchwork and image only identities, that don't go deep but keep at the surface and change with the latest image our hyper-capitalist econmomy sells them.  This is a much bigger problem but I believe it is connected with the gay identity issues of many American youth.

Track two... David and Jonathan, a step back into the question,

These events happened before the Kulhuse retereat but are important and I shouldn't have skipped over them so I am taking a "step back."  There is a consistent pattern or purpose to the three tracks which I hope to clarify at the bottem of this entry.

So why did this question re-open this question in the first place?  I mentioned exactly what types of questions this Question was ment to pose, and hopefuly lead to answers but I never state what made this questioning come up again.  The answer lies partially in the story of David and Jonothan from the Bible becuse it was this story that sparked (not the whole cause, but the spark) of this re-examination of what Scripture really has to say about homosexuality, what does God have to say and what implication does that have for me as someone who has homosexual feelings.  The story in brief...

"After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself.  From that day Saul kept David with him and did not let him return to his father's house.  And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt." (1 Samuel 18:1-4, NIV)

...

"Then Jonathan gave his weapons to the boy and said, "Go, carry them back to town."

  After the boy had gone, David got up from the south side of the stone and bowed down before Jonathan three times, with his face to the ground. Then they kissed each other and wept together—but David wept the most.

  Jonathan said to David, "Go in peace, for we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of the LORD, saying, 'The LORD is witness between you and me, and between your descendants and my descendants forever.' " Then David left, and Jonathan went back to the town." (1 Samuel 20:40-42, NIV)

 

...and later after David is king of Israel and Jonothan dies

"How the mighty have fallen in battle!
       Jonathan lies slain on your heights.

  I grieve for you, Jonathan my brother;
       you were very dear to me.
       Your love for me was wonderful,
       more wonderful than that of women.

  "How the mighty have fallen!
       The weapons of war have perished!"

(2 Samuel 1:25-27, NIV)

Without reading into these Scriptures it came across to me that what was being described here was a homosexual, it seemed like homoerotic literature.  At first this bothered me beacause I was so convinced that homosexuality was wrong, incluidng my own but then it made me wonder.  If david was gay why can't I be?  Now, I htink putting the story in textual as well as cultural-historical context dispells a homoerotic reaind of the text as a critical reading but at the time this still drew me a little crazy.  This in a addition to a compounding desire to be with a man, in a relationship (as a boyfriend) couldn't just let me drop the ball on this.  I needed to do some deeper textual reading of these as well of all the Scriptures that teach about homosexuality.  I planned on meeting with a spiritual advisor who knew the Bible better then me and who I knew leaned towrads more Emergent theology (and thus I knew would be more open to an honest and serious questioning of this issue).  We met once, he shared with me that this was defienently not a black and white issue and would be willing to go through with meeitng to talk about this.  Nothing ever came of that and for a while I was really frustrated because I didn't feel like I had anywhere else to go with this, I could spend hours pouring over interent articles but ultimately they are all written with agendas that make it hard to just settle for their answers.  Its something I still need to deal with, I don't know if I will be able to in the school I am going to next year, its much more conservative.  I wanted to go through this with a spiritual advisor but I will probably do some independent studies on it. 

I went a little farther off and on then I wanted but it was good to put some of those thoughts down. 

I am going to take a break from track three since the first two were longer then normal but I will explain the logic behind the three tracks as I promised.

The first track's purpose is to go back to the begining of the questioning process when I realized I was same-sex attracted and took on a gay idenity with the questions and processes ensued.

The second track is to dig up the history of why I started questioning again and how that was and is unfolding hopping ot move out towards the present and some answers.

The third track is to talk about more recent things related to the Question so it doesn't seem like I am always writing about the past and reminding those interested that this is still an ongoing thing. I am not sure if I will continue this track or not, for various reasons.  I might merge the second and third track or the sencond track might merge, or flow into this one.  I am not sure.

What do you guys think?

What are you guys thinking, what are you thoughts, advice, questions?

In his Grace,

peace to you all in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ,

Spencer

First track.  Blue.

  Blue was my new buzz word.  Remember that blue was my codeword for gay but it could be applied in general ways like talking about my sexuality objectively or referring to a cute guy "over there."  I remember I used to sing the song that went "I'm blue nada divda di"  with the words "I'm blue and in need of a guy."  Although I didn't mean to embrace my identity so much while it was still a secret codeword the coming out process was fun, rebellious to the norm, and quite frankly exciting.  I finally felt like I was able to express the vocabulary of my feelings with words except my feelings weren't Picasso blue or jazz blue they were homosexual feelings and attractions that like all people coming to realize and experience their sexuality seemed to suddenly dominate center stage.  This for me was that probationary period were I was coming to terms with my feelings but could do it discreetly, hidden from others and maybe, I thought foolishly, hidden from God. 

Second Track.  Covenant.

I said I would say more about the retreat I went on so here it is.   The retreat was at a cabin the Pentecostal Church of Copenhagen, the church I belong to, owns in Kulhuse and its on a fior, which is a kind of sea water gulf thing that flows eventually turns into the North Sea.  This place is significant in that it is where the (academic) year began for me as we masters commission did a retreat there to start the year and then we were here again to start our second semester.  It is very beautiful and there are pictures at my other blog (general blog for my time at masters: www.xanga.com/forodwaith).  Forodwaith also has more information about my first time there but the highlight of the first retreat was covenant night.  Covenant night is when first year masters commission students at copenhagen international masters commission (www.cimc.dk) make their covenants with God not to date or emotionally date for the nine month we are part of the program/community.  Its a commitment to God to take the time we would spend investing in a relationship and invest in him and especially for young adults, but for a lot of people I think, it just makes sense.  It gives us an opportunity to further find our identity  in Christ, get used to ourselves in God and deal with the stuff or crap in our lives from our past so that we don't bring it into a relationship in the future or just so we don't have to go on our whole lives with crap that hasn't been dealt with.  Its only when we truly have a basic understanding of who we are that we are able to commit ourselves intimately in any kind of relationship but especicially in a dating relationship.  It was at this night that I committed to God this as well as the need to grow out of doubt and insecurities that outlaid themselves in self pity, lust and idolatry particularly in homosexual ways.  I still identified as ex-gay at this time and was convinced that lived out homosexuality was wrong.  I still wasn't to sure if celibacy or marriage lay ahead, and I am still not and am not worrying about that right now.  I will share more on what happened at the second retreat, that is more recent, next time. 

Third track.    Crush.

An important element to adress in this discussion is the issue of attraction and crush.  By crush I am not simply  meaning an infatuation that is based of of simple notions of attraction in personalities that are short and trivial and enforced by physical attraction usually fed by lust but a type of attaction or crush that is more akin to simply liking someone when you might say "I like you."  I am in this situation right now with a guy named Travis*.  It really came unexpected for me because I haven't had a crush, more in the first sense I described, in over two years and I have never quite had one like this because it isn't fed by lust or temporary feelings of novelty.  Obviously in all situations of relationship where romatic feelings are invovled it is more complicated then simple and there are elements that are not as healthy that I don't see yet.  Irregradless of how I feel I am committed one hundred percent to the covenant I have made with God and even if this was not an issue I would not pursue dating this person.  I am pretty sure he is heterosexual and I'm definently, definently not sure homosexual relationships are ok by God's standards.  The point of this track entry is to just make it aware that there are feelings of attraction and likeness invovlved in my life right now and that plays a role in how I see things and thus in discernment and also thus in this conversation/discussion. 

*Name changed for privacy, anonnomyity and such things. 

To all of you peace in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ,

what do you guys thoughts? 

thanks,

Spencer

So basically I am here to discuss my sexuality with myself on my forum with God, hopefuly some friends, maybe family and whoever else feels they want to comment.  Notice that I said my seuxality and not my sex life.  The whole of this blog is going to be devoted to this concept and its heavily going to pose the question of what might might my homo-sexuality look like as an authentic expression of my "statua of Deus,"  or image of God, and what implication does this have.  Many have made the a large number of connections between spirituality and sexuality so what kind of impact would a homo-sexuality have on this discussion and reality.  Before I go on I should clarifty that I am not saying that homosexuality is an authentic expression of God given sexuality or that it is a sexuality that if lived out is even ethically correct or right in the eyes of God but I am posing the question.  This is a question that is made up of many questions that I have and that I feel strongly that God is blessing.  So if you are going to folllow me along on this journey I would warn you that there this will be talking about sexuality and spirituality so hopefuly you are comfortable with both.  Whats up with the name?  pesator agrestis of victualia is latin for dispenser of provisions, which is what my name means in Gaelic- which is Spencer by the way.  Meus connubialis?, means my sexuality in latin, will be my title. I use latin becuase the idea just came to me and it makes it seem important-which it is to me.  Yeah, I guess I am comfortable with that.  So basically this is nothing evaluative just stating my purpose and stuff.  For the most part this is going to be coming from a Christian worldview, so yeah. 

Peace,

Spencer