hgkdhkljhsdf  cw: about 141.2  damnnn HUGE i hate  hate hate this

b- energy bar thing, (110)

l-nada (0)

d-chicken caeser salad w/o dressing and bread fuckk (no idea, 550 maybe??)

today my friend told me i was so skinny and i had the perfect body...at a different time, i might have been happy or relieved or something..now, i dont know. i turn it around, shes lying. mocking me. now i have everyones eyes on me, analyzing, judging. contradicting in their heads. no thanks. leave me in the corner with my diet coke and ill talk to you when im thin enough. good enough.

i dont deserve that now, dont give it to me. i need starvation and solitude, no food no judgements.

today not so good...

b-nothing

l- diet coke, 3 cookies gahh (540 shitskhsg)

d-pria bar (110)

so total 650 damnit i suckkk

im sick of this shitttt

its been...well forever. i missed you girls, are you all still here??

you're going to be so dissapointed, im here at my highest ever weight...145. i can't believe it. i want to rip this fat off my body. ive forgotten how to eat normally, its either too much too often or starving myself. i can't deal with this. im longing for that weak dreamy feeling of starvation, and the sight of my hipbones and ribs and collarbones. ate horribly today. just threw it all up. lovely, lovely, who will want you like this.

i promised myself i would tell the truth here...if not anywhere else, at least here.

was 128 this morning, 127 when i came home. had a salad for dinner, no dressing, 0 calories. then of course i just had to mess it up.  binged and binged and binged. 130. threw it up. my head is pounding , can barely stand up, tears streaming down my face. step on the scale. 129. theres nothing left to get rid of. but i have to somehow.

i will be at least 128 before i go to bed. i have to.

i feel like im letting everyone down lately. they're dissapointed in me, i can see it in thier faces. im sorry this obsession is slowly taking over my life. its all i can think of, i can barely run because of my weak muscles and acid filled stomach. im sorry, but i have to. im no longer happy at school. like i was. the scale, the scale, the scale. all i can think of.    please? i have to, i need to. let me reach my goal. it will be better then, i know that. just please, let me.

I don’t care if it hurts

I want to have control

I want a perfect body

I want a perfect soul

today...ate nothing all day then had a mini-binge after schoool. i had to eat something before i go to practice but it turned into a little too much...a slice of cake, some peanuts, a granola bar, lots of chips and this cheese/artichoke dip. soo i threw up part of it.  yea im looking pretty amazing right about now, bloodshot eyes, red face, burning throat...mmm.

wont WONT eat anyhting more