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perfectlilangul1
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Name: c2
Country: United States
State: California
Birthday: 3/31/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: writing, reading, chattin, movie-watching, laughing(cuz that's hella healthy), cross-stitching, knittin(oh yea, i feel lkye an old lady
Expertise: bein a perfectionist, laughin wid my friends, stressing bout grades, makin really stoopid mistakes ^^
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  chenstoppable
Member Since:
10/10/2003
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| valentines day is three days away...rebecca, my roommate, has put up insane amounts of valentines day decorations, just reminding me how much i detest this holiday. i've never realized my loathing for this holiday until now. loathing. LOATHING.
so i've taken a step back and tried to determine whether or not my hate for this holiday is justified. for those of you who are single like me, valentines day is just a constant reminder of solitude. constant reminder of how really alone in the world you are. that is scary. that is fear in the purest sense.
for those of you who are in a relationship, like i have been in past valentines days, that holiday is basically a test for your boyfriends. and then you are trapped in the fear of whether or not your boyfriend will live up to the ridiculous expectations that you have for him. will he buy the right gifts? will he say the right things? will he even freaking remember?! ahah.
really, valentines day is just a reminder that we are not kids anymore. that when we were kids, we believed we were waiting for a prince charming to come up to our isolated tower and rescue us. but somehow he got lost and found some other princess along the way. and here we are, alone in our tower, finally figuring out that we were wrong. that prince charming isn't coming, that he found somebody else, that he's HAPPY without us, and that we have to rescue ourselves. that's why valentines day sucks. it's the one day of the year that screams at me, "yea, find a way to save yourself"
valentines day sucks because it proves to us that life is different from what we dreamed.
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| nobody caresthis past saturday, i walked into my dorm room at around 9am after an all night pledge event and saw my roommate, rebecca, in her bed. per usual. then i looked over to my bed and saw a guy lying in it. this was how the conversation went: rebecca: harrison decided to spend the night in your bed.
me: ...who??
rebecca: harrison. you know, you met him last saturday.
me: ...oh yea! harrison! he slept in my bed yesterday?
rebecca: yea, pretty much.
me: ...hmm ok cool. then, when harrison woke up, we had brunch together and had a pretty good time. and that, everybody, is what college is all about. i've had these experiences at upenn where i'm walking through the campus between classes, just walking with music playing, and all of a sudden i feel this overwhelming feeling of belonging. i honestly can not imagine myself anywhere else right now, and that sense of home, that sense of "yes, everything is RIGHT", is something i've never had before. it's not to say that everything is happy, or that everything is good. its just that everything seems to fit. i seem to fit. i've never understood why i feel so different at college. i mean, i loved and still adore monta vista. it was probably the best atmosphere for a kid like me, and i truly relished every moment that i spent there. i secretly still go on youtube and watch all the histech videos, but that's just cuz i'm a major dork. then i realized that this has nothing to do with whether or not i like where i am. i feel i've always to some degree liked the place i was in. however, i realize that penn is teaching me something that i've desperately needed to learn. at monta vista, i worked. when i was depressed, i studied. when i got dumped, i cracked open a book. so while mv taught me magnificent studying habits, it didn't teach me much else. in a sense, monta vista taught me how to deal with my problems, but college has taught me how to live with them. every moment in college is fleeting. it's almost as if everything here is chill. the things you do one night will hardly be remembered the next, and the next night's just another opportunity for you to create another fantastic memory. your life is truly yours to live. each minute is yours to decide. you can spend it in a lecture hall, or you can spend it sleeping. or you can spend it playing mario tennis. there is nobody who will judge you, and ultimately, it's your conscience that's your only guardian. that independence creates a casualness that was completely foreign to me. here, nothing is a big deal. that is, if you choose not to make a big deal out of it. just decide a course of action, and do it. no need to dwell on it, no need to contemplate it for a week. just decide what you want, and go. and suddenly, with this new mindset, what used to be life-altering dramas now just seemed trivial. there's so much more you could be doing with your life. why spend it holding on to depression? that's how college has changed me. that's why many people were so surprised at my new found...openness regarding certain recent events. i feel as if there's nothing holding me back anymore. i don't have my parents telling me what to do, i don't have a boyfriend restricting my social life, and most of all, i don't have the reputation of "chen-chen jiang, monta vista student" to live up to. that sort of liberation is thrilling. and it makes me excited to really live life. so you know the song "save tonight" by eagle eye cherry? that's what life is like right now. everyday is a huge one night stand. you never know if you'll ever do the things you did, or whether you'll ever see the people you meet ever again. and frankly, you don't care. nobody cares. and oddly enough, for a girl who used to agonize over being cared about, i'm loving it. | | |
| i finally understand a little more about insomnia. maybe its just a condition where the thoughts in your head take over your life, and when you try to go to sleep in the darkness, you are haunted by your fears. therefore, instead of lying in bed while your mind bombards you, you stay up, doing mindless activities, so that when you finally do go to bed, your body is so exhausted that you won't have to lie awake with your thoughts.
i finally understand a little more about workaholics. maybe its just a defense mechanism where you occupy your life with the only actions you can control and escape from the realities that you don't want to face. therefore, you study and pack your day with extracurriculars and classes so that you will never have a free moment to remind yourself of the reality that you're hiding from.
i finally understand a little more about depression. maybe its just a split second of fear. a split second of realizing that today was just the same as yesterday, and that tomorrow will probably most likely be the same as today, and that maybe, despite all your hopes and all the support, all the insomnia and all the work, maybe you are just trapped in a world that you have no control over. its when you ask yourself questions like "what if this is really what it's all about?" and "what if this is actually all i am?" and knowing, dreading, that the answer is a confirmation. its the split second when your mind screams that you want to give up, the split second when your will power gives in, the split second when your built up strength collapses. its when you're walking down the street with your music blasting in your ears, and all of a sudden you look around and realize that you are all alone and you have no idea how you ended up in this place or where you're going anymore. and thats when you know. the split second when you accept that you're being left behind. just one split second, before you're swallowed back up in optimism and hope.
but understanding leads to healing. and healing leads to rebuildling. i finally understand that i can no longer wait on someone else to save me. but i just can't understand how to save myself.
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| another new year, another new beginning. a perfect opportunity to start anew, with a clean slate. it seems just yesterday that i was wrapping up 06 and now here i am preparing for 07. my new year resolutions are quite simple this year and perhaps simplicity is my final goal. i take the mistakes of 06 and i want to rewrite it for 07.
1) pray
i need to spend more time with God and dedicate more of my life to him. frankly put, in 2006 i put a lot of things before Him. college, relationships, extracurriculars, academics. this year i need to devote myself to spending more time at church and developing my relationship with God.
2) focus
though my grades for first semester were satisfactory, i realized that i was really cutting it close. i have so many distractions because of the wonderful friends that i have at upenn. and as much as i want to hang out with them and have fun with them, i need to settle down this year and focus on studying.
3) learn
somehow in 06 i had become dependent on guys. i have always had something close to a relationship to fall back on and therefore i've never learned to truly appreciate independence. boyfriend or no, relationship or not, i should be able to find happiness in what i have. i've lost that ability somewhere so this year i will learn to love solitude.
4) sleep
my sleep schedule has been horribly altered by a combination of trauma, late night studying, jet lag, and everything else. for the week leading up to winter break, i never slept earlier than 6am. it's ridiculous. this year, i will sleep early and wake up early and develop a healthy sleeping schedule.
5) write
i've stopped writing in my diary for a long time now. i believe i need that written flow of emotions and therefore this year, i will write what i feel.
6) discover
there must be some sort of beauty in every single day. in 06 i felt i was somehow blinded by the tragedy in one part of my life. i let any small tragedy block out all the overwhelming blessings that i had in other part of my life. this year, i will discover and celebrate the little victories of every day.
7) share
sharing with others your knowledge of happiness must be enough to make yourself happy. regardless of your circumstances, perhaps a kind gesture, a random act, will brighten another's day and ultimately brighten your own. i know everything i do has a consequence. it will affect others in ways that i may never know. but if that is so, then i would rather leave a positive mark in another's life rather than a negative one. i refuse to accept that just being nice to others won't bring satisfaction to oneself. i refuse to accept that material goods, shallow beauty, and infatuated relationships are prerequisites to happiness. this year, i will share what joy i may discover in my life with others. this year, i will make a difference.
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| merry christmaschristmas has always been and probably always will be one of my favorite holidays. not because of the gift getting or the opportunity it provides for a shopping binge, but because of the little things you notice this holiday triggers in people.
i love driving down random streets at night, just observing all the lights that people have hung over their houses. twinkling and shedding light even if it's in the middle of the night. i love the excited smiles on little kids faces when they realize that they'll be visited by santa again. i love the warmth you feel when you see old friends, the joy you feel when you catch up, and the satisfaction you receive when you all laugh over some obscure memory that you were sure nobody would ever remember.
oftentimes, i feel that we take too many things for granted. we believe we are entitled to more and therefore we spend our entire lives searching for something that we think is missing. and sadly, most of us just grow frustrated at not being able to figure out what's wrong. perhaps because there really isn't anything wrong. there isn't anything that's missing. we've fallen victim to our own ambition.
there's a difference between imcomplete and imperfect. none of our lives are perfect, and we all lack something to reach perfection. sometimes, i confuse this imperfection with imcompleteness. now, i realize that my life has always been complete. i don't need a boyfriend, i don't need an ivy-league education, and i certainly don't need expensive things. i just needed a little bit of love (which we all have) a little bit of compassion (which i've worked to get) and God (who has always been with me). with that, my life is complete.
The holiday season teaches us that. brush aside the tragedies and look for more. its only then that we realize we're really searching for what we've had all along. everything is our life is a blessing, and we could just as easily lose all that we have. please, this holiday season, cherish what you have. don't wait until you've lost it to realize how much it meant to you all along. and maybe if we can take everyday to appreciate what we have, we'll finally see how beautiful this life really is.
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