there is this leak in my house, that you can hear through the walls and
that bothers me almost as much as drunken text messages of a boy who
is far too attractive for me and prefers movies to books, and both of those
things combined piss me off almost as much as some guys obsession with me
ruining the only possible something i was willing to get myself involved with
that had to do with another person. "leave me alone" means nothing these days.

the last of those three actually probably has made me more mad lately
than almost any combination of stupid shit, and it is somehow all too complicated
for me to even think out all the way

tomorrow morning, i have to go to my grandmother's church with my whole
family in a miserable attempt at making my grandma happy on mother's day even
though i have no respect for this stupid favor we are going to do for her, and im
not going to act like i am enjoying it.(maybe this makes me a spoiled brat, it probably does)
but i despise the place, and we are sneaking out the back door before the service
even lets out. praise the Lord!

i think it has been forever since i have washed my sheets before this weekend,
which is completely disgusting and i guess that means its a fabulous thing that i
always have my bed to myself, otherwise someone might be disgusted by all the
clutter and random shit laying around, which all just traveled to my floor after
removing the sheets from my bed. I dont have time to focus on cleaning my room,
although i really wish i did. I have a whole house to clean, and its easy to run out
of paper towels and get annoyed while spilling various cleaning chemicals all over
my pale legs and not having the energy to wipe it off with my nonexistant paper towels.

this must have been me more than two years ago,
i was in a phase where i would manically cut my hair off
because sudden change happened to be my false sense
of security at that point in time, so interesting how things go.
i was probably a lot more groomed in those days as well,
styled wise. these are things to consider every once in a while...

i went to tulsa last night to watch Tegan and Sara play, it took
forever to drive up there because of some serious collision with
a semi truck and a car only around thirty miles out from edmond,
it was unfortunate because we were trying to arrive early, and after
finally making our appearance after we were lost, we were welcomed
to a huge disappointed(but my anticipated by me) line, and i got to say
"i told you so!" to bran. On the way back was worse, its easier to
get lost on highways in tulsa without light, and frustrating when taco bueno
will not take your service. I got back eventually and woke up way too early
this morning to sit in a driving class for six hours with the most obnoxious
people i have ever met(see you guys again monday!)

since i have a 0% in my math course that i am taking, since i have
yet to turn in one finish product of work, and since it is the coming to
be the fourth week of the sixth week of this class, i am in a little panic(and when i
say little i mean crying on the phone to my mom saying i cannot handle
being at school) so tomorrow i am dedicating a day to math, and i will see how
long that day goes because i throw my text book into a wall, it will not take long.

earlier i tried to watch a movie on some hbo type channel, and after leaving
the room for a few hours, after i settled at my computer for a little bit, i heard
some odd noises in my living room.
...i though to myself, "what in the world could that be?", so i go to invesigate
and john doe is doing jane doe in the ass.

And, after all, what is a lie? 'Tis but the truth in a masquerade.

My shower offered one temperature this evening, ice cold.
I typically enjoy showers, but this one consisted of screaching and
jumping around, and avoiding the water touching my skin as much as
possible. And after i stepped out of the shower all naked, miserable
and shaking, i sort of felt better after all the unpleasant things that
happened today. Cold water makes you forget about people making fun of
you while youre standing right there, and computers that dont work in
your favor, and not having the courage to have normal conversations.
It works, at least for a little while.

im going to see tegan and sara in Tulsa with Bran and Mel on friday,
and i am pretty excited, basically because i was convinced i had no way
of going and it was a nice little surprise. Im not looking forward to much lately.
I doing a writing sample for Sophiezine on a fabulous artist, birdsacrosswater
you should check both of them out, so i am looking forward to two things i guess.
the only thing i dont look forward to is standing for so long at this show, i hate standing
because my lower back gets all fucked up.


today when some guy told me "i wouldnt know, because i dont know you"
i think i saw the whole world, and everything made sense for a second
but then i kicked myself again

im going to get so free writes together soon, be prepared!

oil on wheels stops creaking spells, if only for a moment.
while chewing up words so beautifully, they just come out a mess.
a game of "see food", so they all just put their hands over their
one giant face

i have a fever im faking to stay in bed,
they all say okay and put their hand over their gaint face.

Currently Reading The Virgin Suicides By Jeffrey Eugenides see related

-find internship(summer/fall?)
-seek employment(end of may?)
-online classes(a must)
-gain driving privledges
all four are the biggest musts of my life right now(the ones i am willing to discuss, anyway)

I just want to go Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind on this weekend, so bad.
I got into this giant arguement with my grandmother lastnight/this morning because of
details i wont really dig into, but it ended in a huge guilt trip about me being off base on
the church of christ, and their intentions, how i was adding stress onto my grandmother and my aunt that was helping to kill the both of them, and i was never going to amount to anything and i would look back in regret.
So thank you grandma, but being 71 is no excuse this time.

I have finally realized the story i began to write a few months ago is going to be nothing but a four page short story, so that gives me something else to feel a little down about. I really wanted to take that character somewhere, but i suppose he was supposed to reach his demise pretty quickly(im considering posting the story in its full length at some point in the near future, although its four pages...which is pretty long for a post)
I was finding myself in some journey with him and all the crazy shit he kept ranting about, i was getting attached to him and when i found that i was unable to take him any further i just sort of dropped him altogether and tried to forget i even wrote it at all.(also, some distractions played a huge role)
So now i have been trying to get some poetry written, and also some read for the sake of feeling a little less ignorant in that area. Ive been compiling plenty of free writes which sit in folders belonging to my Great Books teacher who doesnt think i even fit in highschool. Im just finding myself digging into a hole with lack of creativity, and its driving me off the wall.(my house also never seems to get clean no matter how much i clean it, and thats enough to develope severe mental disorders by itself)

so many crooked crosses hang off the walls of my house, and i dont even think we own a bible.
so many unpaid bills sit around, so many old news papers, and boxes of expired things in the kitchen,
so many unwashed clothes, and unfolded clothes, and wrinkled everything, so much spare change, so
much dust, so many toys from garage sales, so many diet books, and anti aging books sit like pieces of
useful literature on the shelves in our living room(along with oprahs book club suggestions),dirty dishes,
wrappings to various capris sun straws,boxes of diapers and cds with no names. I could fucking organize all day and this place would just remain a pit.

my room is worse though, and im convinced it lingers with the smell of animal piss.
but maybe i just miss my ex-dog

worst of all, i have acted incredibly stupid latley, because emotions get the best of me(apparently that happens with a lot of people) but everything seems so borderline sitcom(besides the things that matter to me, and i dont know what that seems like) Ive had some "leave me alone!" moments yelled through the door of my bedroom, i kid you not(pathetic, yes). A lot of my distress having to do with things i know could possibly make things better for me, but will probably never happen(which is probably half the reason im so pissed off)

unfortunately knocking my hand against a wall is enough for my brain to dramatically wail
that i want to throw myself in front of a train(hah!)

someone searched for "clitlit" on google recently, and found an older post of mine as a result(only because of the mention of such a thing)and thanks to my nifty xanga footprints, i get to laugh at this person in Great Britain. Unfortunately, they were probably quite disappointed when my posts didnt really speak of people having sensual encounters on a dark subway. sorry, man(or possibly woman)

-my card says "discuss the philosophical traits of irony" what does yours say?
-nod politely.
nodding politely always works when youre not big on speaking, thanks spongebob.