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-find internship(summer/fall?)
-seek employment(end of may?)
-online classes(a must)
-gain driving privledges
all four are the biggest musts of my life right now(the ones i am willing to discuss, anyway)
I just want to go Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind on this weekend, so bad.
I got into this giant arguement with my grandmother lastnight/this morning because of
details i wont really dig into, but it ended in a huge guilt trip about me being off base on
the church of christ, and their intentions, how i was adding stress onto my grandmother and my aunt that was helping to kill the both of them, and i was never going to amount to anything and i would look back in regret.
So thank you grandma, but being 71 is no excuse this time.
I have finally realized the story i began to write a few months ago is going to be nothing but a four page short story, so that gives me something else to feel a little down about. I really wanted to take that character somewhere, but i suppose he was supposed to reach his demise pretty quickly(im considering posting the story in its full length at some point in the near future, although its four pages...which is pretty long for a post)
I was finding myself in some journey with him and all the crazy shit he kept ranting about, i was getting attached to him and when i found that i was unable to take him any further i just sort of dropped him altogether and tried to forget i even wrote it at all.(also, some distractions played a huge role)
So now i have been trying to get some poetry written, and also some read for the sake of feeling a little less ignorant in that area. Ive been compiling plenty of free writes which sit in folders belonging to my Great Books teacher who doesnt think i even fit in highschool. Im just finding myself digging into a hole with lack of creativity, and its driving me off the wall.(my house also never seems to get clean no matter how much i clean it, and thats enough to develope severe mental disorders by itself)
so many crooked crosses hang off the walls of my house, and i dont even think we own a bible.
so many unpaid bills sit around, so many old news papers, and boxes of expired things in the kitchen,
so many unwashed clothes, and unfolded clothes, and wrinkled everything, so much spare change, so
much dust, so many toys from garage sales, so many diet books, and anti aging books sit like pieces of
useful literature on the shelves in our living room(along with oprahs book club suggestions),dirty dishes,
wrappings to various capris sun straws,boxes of diapers and cds with no names. I could fucking organize all day and this place would just remain a pit.
my room is worse though, and im convinced it lingers with the smell of animal piss.
but maybe i just miss my ex-dog
worst of all, i have acted incredibly stupid latley, because emotions get the best of me(apparently that happens with a lot of people) but everything seems so borderline sitcom(besides the things that matter to me, and i dont know what that seems like) Ive had some "leave me alone!" moments yelled through the door of my bedroom, i kid you not(pathetic, yes). A lot of my distress having to do with things i know could possibly make things better for me, but will probably never happen(which is probably half the reason im so pissed off)
unfortunately knocking my hand against a wall is enough for my brain to dramatically wail
that i want to throw myself in front of a train(hah!)
someone searched for "clitlit" on google recently, and found an older post of mine as a result(only because of the mention of such a thing)and thanks to my nifty xanga footprints, i get to laugh at this person in Great Britain. Unfortunately, they were probably quite disappointed when my posts didnt really speak of people having sensual encounters on a dark subway. sorry, man(or possibly woman)
-my card says "discuss the philosophical traits of irony" what does yours say?
-nod politely.
nodding politely always works when youre not big on speaking, thanks spongebob.
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