phalsius's Xanga

Weight On Our Shoulders

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 02:43:38 GMT

So it's been a long week for me. A lot of things have come to pass. And a lot of things have ran through my head about it all.

I've decided I'm not going to use this blog so much to write advice to people or simply write to get attention from anyone, but whoever reads my words, if you gather inspiration and a good laugh from it, your welcome.

But just to throw one last message out there for a while, I'd like to throw out something that has been on my mind.

As we all learn, life isn't glamorous for all of us, if any of us at all, especially not mine, not even now. What I write on this page will never just be for me. It's for you too, the one who is looking for some kind of understanding. The one who is looking for some kind of escape from your dark reality.

You live a life of bills, thrills, deceit, and at least a touch of success of some kind. Some of you wake up wondering what today will bring your way. And some of you wake up already knowing what it has in store. Some of you look forward to it, and some of you just want to avoid it at any cost. But we all know what must come will, if not now, sooner or later it will, and you'll have to face it anyway.

I've lived my life believing in the balance between the worse things in life and the better, how every good time will cost a bad, how every smile will cost a tear, and every bright sunny day will cost a foggy miserable winter. For some of us the balance shows apparently, for others it seems hidden, as if it doesn't even exist, and probably never will. I won't sit here and tell you that it does. It is for you to decide to see it yourself.

I just want you to know that even though I have never met you, or know you in person, I understand how it feels to have to face those dark moments where reality peeks its miserable face out of the shadow and looks you strait in the eyes, and no matter where you turn, you just know you wont escape it. I wonder how many of you think of the fact that what experience of life it gives you will be worth more than you might imagine. How many of you think about that one day when a good friend of your's will be confronted by that very same face and wont know what to say to it, or how to react to it, but you'll be there beside them to let them know that it's going to be okay, how how much it will mean to them when you do. Just something to think about.

Unfortunately, I've been pretty busy recently so I haven't been very able to post on here as much as I'd like. But it's alright, I'm not going anywhere. I'll be around to read your posts, comment where I can, and write those few and far between entries to let you know whats going on, or if I find some interesting news or perceptions to relay. Whether you comment them or not, it doesn't really matter to me, but if the entries themselves matter to you, then I'm happy that it does.

Ready to be up out dis b*atch?

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 20:11:53 GMT

Ever been flown ghetto? One time I felt like I was... ha!

Who is Phalsius?

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 15:48:45 GMT

Although my identity with this account will remain anonymous, I figured I would give you a little background about myself so you will have a little idea of what kind of person I am.

I was born and raised in Detroit. My parents had me right after they were married and then divorced when I was 5. I am an only child. My father died of heart disease when I was 10. My mother ended up raising me until I was 19. We ended up living extremely poor for years, a couple times in a car. Right before my 20th birthday, I moved out and moved in with my g/f, whom I'm still with today.

I picked up a guitar at the age of 11 and it quickly became my biggest passion. I have been in 2 bands, one of which toured internationally. The band ended up splitting a couple years ago for a few different reasons of which I am not of liberty to mention. During the time we were together I had taken up drugs such as pot, psychedelics (lsd, shrooms, etc), coke, and even heroin. Soon before the band split up, I went into rehab, became clean and married the love of my life (the g/f I moved in with at age 19. We now have a 3 year old daughter together.

Right now I work as a producer at a recording studio in Texas, but on my free time I read books on natural science, religion, and world history, and play with lots of graphic art. I am currently working on an auto-biography in which I hope to finish by 2010.

I came to Xanga a few years back to become introduced to blogging. Some time ago, I abandoned my old blog, but recently came back under this account to help certain readers with their griefs about life. Xanga was my first blog and I plan on it being my last.

Yes, yes, I know how bland some of my entries here are (I'm not the best at blogging, I'm naturally much more of a formal writer), but I'm slowly learning to loosen the chains on my writing methods so you can actually enjoy them more than think to yourself "okay, old news here, where's the fun part!?" Keep the faith my friends, its on its way...

Shut up and Learn Something...

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 17:50:15 GMT

Have you ever learned about the different life cycles of a star in space? How our sun and solar system was created?

It's a pocket of gas that, after collecting more and more substance, becomes so compact that the molecules within it begin to heat up to the point of exploding, and thus the star is "born". But after so many millions of years, it dies off and becomes just another loose pocket of gas. But again, this gas collects more substance until a new birth and life is created.

Some time ago, I had written a poem in which describes the "ups and downs" of life in the form of the life cycles of a star.

Aeon of Greivance
(Cycle of Sorrow)

The star emerged as gas
floating silently still
settled, undisturbed in hollowed space
left with nothing of a trace, and yet it did not grow
not even a speed so slow, it moved not
but cooled with depression, a negative succession
of a truth so deep, it could only weep in silence
unheard, unseen, and yet respect it had to redeem
it's soul expanded out of its hollowed masses
dieing for a spark, a heat, a light for its gases
until there came a suppression
flying, arriving, residing among the form
moving around, above, and within its norm
the mess of imperfection swirling in a storm
disturbed interestingly at its grace
wondering its place and how fast its pace
for which it is moved, mesmerized by its effect
having something new to detect and a tingling
in a way it has never felt or seen
like the start of time, a just crowned queen
as suddenly it explodes a fire inside
a force now for it to abide
illuminating its whole like never before
and now it has something finally to adore, it is finally alive
glowing and shining, with the ambition to thrive
how beautiful this expression, now thanks to the suppression
it shines on and on, swelling a fantastic dawn
endlessly the storm of the new heat, o look how neat
it is visited by bodies around and among
their orbiting song now beautifully sung
to their own source of life
through this now ecstatic strife; such a chance to be real
its happiness flowing to feel
through millions of eons it progresses
until slowly it just depresses into a dim light of unsureness
now not knowing its purpose for being what it has been
for so long living in that angelic skin
it dies away through eons of day, noon, and evening
until its night falls once again with its bringing
and the flicker of light in which started it dies in stress
as its gases now carry less and less
of the chemicals responsible for what was once such glow
now just a storm of dark, degraded mellow
sitting for eons and eons again this fellow
as its gases never move, swirl, nor spin, again it waits
and sits in silence for another ride of fate's
sure it will find yet another happiness to glow with
and burn with another life of unspeakable myth
because its time must move on through all these events
just to experience another aeon of grievance.

Its necessary to question, what gives value to the good things in life and what gives value to bad things in life...

I'm not the most optimistic person on earth, but some people need to understand the meaning behind these things before insisting that the world owes them everything.

You're just another student in this class room. You're not the teacher, your not the principal. Get back to your desk and learn something.

What's the best '80s band of all time - or, at least, of that decade?

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 03:46:09 GMT

The 80's was known for its glam-rock, hairspray craze, and lust-pop. It seemed to sing all about the things that bands like Poison and Def Leppard seemed to write about, sugar coating the world with sex and love to distract attention away from how wounded the country was becoming.

But in many people's eyes, it played out, and fast. Although the fanbase of these bands had their stubborn loyaltists wanting to escape the dark reality in which the world was emerging deeper into, much of them got over it quickly when they began noticing a rumble in the distance. It was a roaring sound so direct, definate and truthful with messages that the people not only wanted to be voiced, but needed to be voiced. They would not be dragged around by "pour some sugar on me" or "unskinny bop's" anymore.

Emerging from the crowd of motley, dolled up flamboyance came who were known as the Four Horsemen: Metallica, one of the most influential artists of all time. Throughout the early time period, Metallica reigned through the underground, drowned out by the media's blanket of Poison, Motlely Crue, Stryper, Dokken, Winger, White Snake, and Cinderella. But as the media soon began to realize, this blacket was slowly burning to ash upon the growing sound of new-wave metal in which Metallica had introduced to America.

Instead of the usual prancing messages of love and sex, Metallica directed their attention on more important matters such as the hypocracy of religion, the abuse of drugs, and corruption of the government. Thier voice quickly grew powerful, intimidating, and defiant toward the society that so many people felt screwed over by.

Along with their lyrical messages was a revolution in the musical sound of metal. With each coming installment came a mutation and balance in melodic intricacy and bone crushing overdrive without pushing it over the top. The tunes were catchy, dynamic, and very responsive.

The historical legend that was Metallica is one known by the world over. Yet sadly history is all this band will ever know after the death of their bassist and mentor, Cliff Burton in 1986, and the exploitation and watering down of their talents through their later hired producer, Bob Rock through and after the 1991 "black" album.

It's hard to say if Metallica may be technically considered the "best" band of all time, after rehab showing their obvious dependancy for which their sound was so heavily based on. Yet even today, the experience Metallica gave the world throughout this era will remain timeless.

I just answered this Featured Question, you can answer it too!

The Amazingly Funny Essay

Sat, 05 Apr 2008 07:39:38 GMT

The following is an actual essay written by a college applicant. The author, Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU.

Essay: In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question: Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer, I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

A Slight Chance of Pain

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 06:53:30 GMT

Hey there Mr. Businessman, you look like me most days

Stitched in your suit; stitched in your customized concerns

Your rattled vocabulary of flash strengthens your battle against insecurity

I hear you planning your future keep with a banker…trader…traitor

He promises you a million pieces of silver to one return

Hang yourself on the plans for your wealth; did you understand the devil’s advice?

Good God man, loosen your noose and breathe; you have not yet sold your sacred to their fate

"Take this risk", "Invest", "Divest", SELL YOUR FUCKING SOUL

Fuck that Mr. Businessman; invest some of that money in the bank of your mental tranquility

In the trust fund known as your child’s neglected smile

In that overdrawn savings known as your personal enlightenment

But I am sure you are better off in the service of your money

That one will require much less change today

Hey pretty young girl, why do you seem so scared of the world around you?

Is it that shell you are in that's hard to crack?

Does the death black lines you draw around your eyes keep us all from seeing the child you once were?

You know it is never clear who was to blame in this matter?

Don’t let the pain make you paint such indifference

Drink it down, the darkness of that black cup of morning voodoo

It’s just the human condition; don’t let it believe your so special my love

Stop finding the cool breeze of your shadow

Ear mark your Bronte, she would rather see you strong

Ear mark your pain, save it for another day when the power of its creativity serves you better

Don’t let me seem too confident, trust I will walk your same path another day

Hey Mr. Shop keeper,

Why do you look at me with such contempt?

My jeans are worn and my body unclean, but today is not my day

Don’t pass me off as dead yet, I am just the poet scratching sins on paper in your corner…

Drinking your genuine Asian green tea made in some factory in India for some company in Indiana to be sipped from your recycled cup poured by the ridiculously hip girl with lime green streaks in her silk black hair with the great lips and cat eyes from some small town where I might have once lived

She doesn’t want to be beautiful like you anymore Mr. Shopkeeper

She wants you to keep your eyes to yourself

She just wants to live without your burdens

She is the center of your SoHo coffee shop, she validates your "hipness"…you miss her point

Smell that Mr. Shop keeper that is enlightenment!

She is full of it

She is all the things you forgot and still have to relearn

Do you deprive yourself the history of your trade?

That greater poets than this mental vagabond will ever be stood on your unbalanced tables and spoke out against what you have become?

Do you hear the roar of their ghost in these rooms?

The spiritual resonance of their passion and strength

No way man, you have been deaf for too long

Do you realize that you have built your ’earth friendly" business on the rotting corpse of our mother?

You have found the last insult in the rape of her sweet gift to the human

Humane

Primitive fucking animal

You bigot with your "think green" mentality that has nothing to do with our mother earth; not the child; not the art; not the mind

Not the delicate fucking life of the Serengeti - chai tea flavor of a bean to a place it has never been

If you had half a soul you would rip down the big façade of your good intention and use your profit to buy some of your pride back from your debtors

Your master is never going to hear your cries

Your king is never going to judge your life

Stand in your own moral court

Open the doors against the evil that stole all of our lives

Burn your book of ignorance; deleted your bank statement and stop serving that church of fascism

There is a breathing world, an unfound planet; a gift from the universe that you have missed out

And if you can’t do that don’t glare down on me for my one cup of tea in three hours

Don’t pass your hate on my good mood

Never disregard the dirty writers or the enlightened youth

Never laugh at their folly or lack of concern

They’ll be the one’s clearing your path to that heaven you seek

They’ll be the one’s wondering just what the hell you are doing here

Don't Be Ignorant...

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 17:28:08 GMT

What is with people not opening their eyes to where society is going today?

So many people choose to ignore politics out of the idea that it's boring, that it doesn't really matter if they vote, and that it doesn't matter who is in office because they are all "douche bags".

Now you know where ignorance in this country comes from.

So lets stop here for a minute and think about this.
Why exactly would you be interested in politics?

I'm going to lay this out basic and without complex ideals and lingo so you can move on with your day.

The thing is, you might not care about who's running for office, but don't you care about what kind of world your kids will be growing up in? Are you considering, at all, your future generations who will (most if not all) more than likely be living here after your gone?

Too much lately I have seen people just flick off their shoulders the idea of voting or really looking into what is going on out there in the press. And just as importantly, what kind of bills and laws that not only have passed but are being set up to be passed in the future.

People, politics is NOT a window into looking for a perfect president. America is just too damn tainted, and too versatile in preference to get your "perfect president". But what does count is out of who is running, who you think will actually be more apt to serve up to their word so that your kids can live securely without having to worry about the idea of war coming to their front yard.

This post is Not asking the question "Who do you think will be better to lead the country". No, this post is a statement that you probably need to start deciding to not only get involved in what's going on right now for the sake of your kids, but also think more rationally and critically about what the forecast looks like for each person running for office. Don't assume someone according to what they "plan" to accomplish for this future world your kids will live in, but consider how trustworthy they will be to actually stick to that said plan.

Another thing is that people never seem to take into account that the president is not the only person who runs this country. There is a whole cabinet of people who all deal in everything from your local town's laws and rights to whats going to come of the war in Iraq next month and next year. They all have responsibility within this country's demise in one way or another.

Blah blah blah, politics is boring. Okay, so don't worry about watching Meet the Press, fine! But assuming your reading this, there are lots of things on this fascinating plane some call the "interweb" like videos, articles, and other blogs. Take a look at them and get aware of what is going on out in the world people!

But some people just don't care. They don't take the time to learn the facts about how the government works - in what ways it is corrupt and in what ways it is justified. THESE THINGS ARE IMPORTANT if you want you and your little ones to be safe, people!

Don't be ignorant.

Intelligence saves,

knowledge is power,

Bush has neither...

But the Sex is Good!

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 02:23:34 GMT

But it can't be that good, can it? I don't know...

Time for a little 101 on elementary bonding.

Lets take three subjects: Friendships, Relationships, and Marriages, and maybe we can give some good insight into making them work honestly.

Here I will use these ideas (friendship, relationship, and marriage) as three different levels of bonding between two people and describe how each of these work and what my opinion on them is.

The Friendship: The friendship is the base level bond of two people; the foundation of everything dealing with them. Within the friendship, they learn about one another and create and build the bond between them through learning and understanding one another and afterwards relating to one another as well. In this stage it is typical and recommended to learn, understand, and choose to accept or not accept how one another functions mentally and emotionally in various circumstances. This understanding is usually reached through either conversation and/or through eventful experiences with the other person.

The Relationship: After both people begin to enjoy each other to a certain point, they will both be satisfied to agree that they want to experience one another on an even closer level, assuming they hold genuine confidence in each other concerning their feelings, who they know one another to be, and their decision to move to the next level. After this stage starts, physical intimacy begins and the two discover each other on a new emotional level. The two hold confident to the idea that their bond is strong enough that even environmental circumstances would be much less likely to break the bond. They have strong enough feelings about it that eventually, they have no reason to believe that they cannot be together for the rest of their lives and also feel that they have been altered by the relationship to the point where they believe they may not make it well enough in the world if they did not have each other involved in one another's lives, which eventually brings us to…

The Marriage: The marriage is known as the final binding of the two people together. It is the oath to honestly and sincerely combine the foundation (the friendship) and the genuine confidence in one another (the relationship) to create a whole out of the two and also to bring a new element into the picture: personal synergy, or teamwork to help each other's lives (the marriage most importantly) work right and smooth while living with one another to create a family. An official instinct to look out for one another in many aspects is also created so that no outside intruders (whether social or environmental) have power to alter, weaken, or disperse the bond between them. According to the oath, it is typically BOTH people's responsibility to do what it takes to keep the marriage healthy and without serious personal confusion / conflict as possible.

Now bear in mind how I chose to define the Marriage: As a combination of the friendship and the relationship – usually meaning that those who are married still have that friendship created at the beginning as well as the relationship created from the friendship. Neither of these elements are neglected but rather are put into regular use from day to day, week to week, and so on. However, in some people's eyes, for some reason, there seems to be no combination to create the marriage. Instead, once they are handed the relationship, the friendship seems to be discarded; and furthermore, after they are handed the marriage, the relationship seems to be discarded. Afterwards all they are left with is the one thing set apart from the rest: the attempt of synergy (working together to live with one another with little conflict). Unfortunately, this life together could not be properly achieved after the friendship and/or the relationship is discarded. With no foundation, there is no basis. Without confidence, there is no reason, therefore, you have neither basis nor reason for the marriage to exist without the two first elements in the marriage and the "house" collapses on itself.

Sometimes one person in a marriage may not realize that they have discarded one or both elements of the whole bond, while the other person has not discarded either and is waiting for their mate to deliver theirs to no avail. Sometimes the person waiting may not even realize that their mate has discarded these two very important elements. Either way, the marriage becomes one sided.

So people, whenever you decide you want to get married, I recommend that you try to keep this information in mind. From all I have observed, the friendship and the relationship are vitally essential for the marriage to work right, or else, your chances of being very miserable throughout the marriage can grow on you. But when it really comes down to it, this outlook may simply depend on who you are and how you work. What I've written here is based on typical circumstances that I have seen – a pattern that developed before my eyes without fail.

Feel free to post your views and opinions, especially since I wish to have as much understanding from different points of views as I can; I welcome them.

The Truth Behind Imperfection

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 01:20:07 GMT

From all I have seen and experienced, some very set in stone lessons have been taught to me. They are in a form of a perception that I've held through my life, which has helped me to grow and adapt to this cruel world. Within this perception are included these things:

To think that someone will never make mistakes makes the future inevitable to fail on you.
To think that if a person makes a mistake, that it should mean the downfall to all other things, puts one's self up for inevitably seeing failure in all they look at.
To use a separate frame of mind as a crutch to seemingly protect one's self from the truth of reality inevitably makes the reality they're trying to live in significantly harder than it originally would be.

These are ways of thinking that some people choose to use to shape the world around them. These ways of thinking become the building blocks to constant despair and disappointment. The person becomes bitter, closed off, and without care. They set the bar for betrayal to the ground where it takes close to nothing to cross it. How much easier life would be if they chose to make efforts break free of the source that initiates these issues...

To be alone, without hope, without love, and without trust, is what I've seen in every person's eyes I've ever known who wallows in these things. Yes, I've known many. They look and look and look for this perfect person, without flaws, without any chance of making a mistake, and they never find them. As far as I've seen in all my life, the way it all adds up, they never will. I've never found that perfection in one human being on the face of the earth, and I never will.

But just to reassure anyone who takes offense here, I myself have had these kinds of issues throughout my life as well and in one way or another, I still do. But after my time through most of that, things have changed with me with realizing how the world is and how its always going to be. Now, I expect the unexpected, I anticipate it, and when it happens, I take measures to address it, set it where it should be, deal with it and do what I can to patch the wound. Afterwards, life moves on. Things can be forgiven, never fogotten, but yes, forgiven, and life moves on. It's how I've survived within. Never have I pushed those away because of their mistakes. But I am guilty of pushing them away because of their choices.

Somebody I know had come to a crossroads. It was their decision to choose what direction to go down. One path leads to endless despair, the inevitability of seeing failure in all things imperfect, a continuation to the pattern that drenches their life. The other is realizing reality, and adapting to it. It's the path that takes time and willful effort to achieve. It takes sweat, tears, fears, hopes, dreams, reason, joy, pain, and pleasure, but most importantly: sacrifice. At the end of that path stands everything they've ever needed. I know this because I've stood at the end of it, waiting. Such few have had the strength and will to walk down it to me after I held the strength to walk down it myself.

Another reminder: Just so that it is known, don't mistake my words as if I have no faults. If I had no faults then I would've never had the knowledge to write these things. I'll always have faults and that's what backs up my point.

Who knows if I'll stand at the end of my path alone for the rest of my life... all I know is that since I got here, all the hell of my past has lost its power to take control of who I am, and what I want to do, and where I want to go like it once did. And I wouldn't have it any other way.