moving on

Ok, needless to say, I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting lately - in fact, that’s all I did all day yesterday and all night till 4 am - I’ve looked at the little bit he’s given me, as well looked inside myself for understanding - I’ve come to the “understanding” that it’ll never be fully understood - when I look at what he’s told me, I can actually understand some of it once I just sat down and thought about it from the perspective of our relationship - some of it still makes no sense at all - but the biggest thing to understand was just that his feelings were no longer there - that was just something that just had to be accepted - I wanted to know why; I wanted to understand - but I’ve had a revelation (though he really did try to tell me this from the beginning) - feelings really are beyond our control - his feelings changed - he may have not wanted them to change, he may have not understood why they changed, but the fact remained that they did - I now realize that’s something he had to resolve as well - he said he had thought about this over a few weeks - it took him time to deal with his feelings - just as it’s taken me time to deal with mine -

This revelation also goes into the way he handled the breakup - I didn’t understand why he couldn’t give me a reason other than his feelings changed - I wanted him to explain to me what happened - I wanted him to give me answers and understanding - I now realize that he couldn’t give what he didn’t have - he tried to tell me that he didn’t know what changed - he tried to tell me that he really didn’t have any answers - however, my emotions got in my way and kept me from understanding what he was saying - I’ve always been a science major - I have an analytical brain - and in science, when things happen, there’s a reason behind it - there’s always an answer if you just take the time to seek it out - what I failed to realize is that feelings and emotions are different - they are not so cut and dry -

I had told him at one point that I regretted being in love with him - I now realize that’s not true - how can I regret something so pure and real, something that brought me such joy, something that has honestly made me a better person? I’ve always tried to be a caring person, but lots of things went back to what I would get out of things - with him, I realized that I wasn’t the most important thing in my life - I’ve come to realize that it’s not always about what I can get out of things, but rather what I can give - realizing this will really help me to move on and have faith in love again - so actually, I need to thank him for that -

If there’s anything to regret in all of this, it’s the needless loss of a friendship - he was someone very important in my life, and it saddens me that he’s no longer there - I really would have preferred to have him in my life in some capacity, even if it were just an occasional “hey, how ya doin?” followed by one of his random humorous stories - it’s simple things like that which will be missed - when I told him goodbye for the last time, I expressed my openness for a friendship - I told him I would leave that decision to him - I certainly don’t want to push him for anything he doesn’t want - so who knows, maybe someday he’ll send me a random message - but then again maybe not - so I can’t sit around and wait for something that may never come - but it would be nice if we could get past this to be friends -

I realize that some things were said that may have been taken the wrong way - I see nothing horrible that was said, but can easily see how things may have come across as more negative than intended - writing my feelings out in a blog is one way that I vent - in doing so, I write my feelings as I see them at the time - they’re not edited or toned down or necessarily worded in the most productive way - they’re just my feelings just as I see them - they’re usually also emotionally charged, which can definitely come off the wrong way - that’s not to say that I made things up or didn’t have reasons for everything I wrote that made perfect sense at the time - everything I wrote did make sense if taken from a single perspective - but if I look at the big picture and view it from a different perspective I can interpret it more clearly - while there was a correlation between when certain things happened, I now realize that it was only a TIME correlation - looking at it from the outside, I realize that it was likely just coincidence - just bad timing that made things seem worst from my perspective - place yourself into my shoes at the time, and maybe you could see it how I saw it - I now realize that things aren’t always how they seem - there are many different perspectives and many different factors that are not always taken into account when you look at something only from your own single perspective -

I don’t take fault for everything that went wrong as a result of this breakup; it’s a two way street - but I do take responsibility for my own actions and my own misunderstandings - I hold no hard feelings to anyone involved - I was going through one of the most emotionally challenging things I’ve ever faced, and it took some time and reflection to deal with my emotions - I have now put all of that behind me so that I can move on - I’ve picked up all of the pieces to my heart, I’m putting them back together, and then my heart is going into hiding for awhile to gain a full recovery - recovery takes time - but finally, I am at peace with what’s happened - I’m not saying that moving on will be easy - but I do feel good about the revelations that I’ve discovered through my reflection - I also feel good about moving on with this new found understanding and peace - I can only hope that in time all involved will understand -

new revelations abt my heartbreak

ok - so some things have become a little more clear in the last few days - i've come to realize that the person i fell in love with no longer exists - he's become a different person, and not in a good way - he's actually taken a step backwards - recently, he's had a friend come back into his life - their past has been one with many ups and many horrible downs - i realize now that he started acting strangely when this person came back into his life -  he says there's nothing between them and i believe him - i do trust him completely - apparently, from the best i can tell, this person brings out the worst in him - i don't even know him anymore -

 
the really sad thing is that he regressed - he became less of the "real" brad - he would likely disagree with this, but it's really undeniable - he went from being open and expressing himself and his emotions to hiding his emotions inside - hiding his emotions keeps part of him from being expressed - this keeps him from being completely open and being completely himself - he can't really be true to himself when he hides any part of who he is - it saddens me to realize this - i actually feel sorry for him - while i'm still in love with him, i now realize that the person he's become is not someone i could fall in love with -

 
the biggest issue to me is his lack of emotion - that's what really hurts the most - how he has no concern for my feelings at all - i know he doesn't love me anymore, so i don't blame him for ending it - i wouldn't want to be in a relationship with anyone who doesn't love me 100 i deserve nothing less - no one deserves anything less - i don't really like the way that he handled the breakup, but as he pointed out, it already happened that way - nothing you can do abt it now -

 
what really hurt was that he didn't care that i was hurting - i just wanted to try to understand to help me move on - he told me that he felt it was a waste of his time to try to help me understand - apparently my inability to just switch my feelings off is annoying - he said that i just need to stop analyzing everything and just accept the fact that it happened - he has accepted the fact that he made mistakes and is moving on without regrets, and i should do the same - well, i have accepted it - accepting it is unfortunately not the same as understanding it or moving on - he had time to face his feelings, sort them out, and deal with them - i had no time - he hit me unexpectedly - but he thinks i should just shut my feelings off and be ok with it after only 1 day - i can't do that - i wish i could - it would definitely be easier on me than feeling all of this pain -

 
i've also come to realize that i'm not the first person to be hurt like this - life does go on - it's hard to feel it right now, but i know it's true - i will survive - i will be stronger because of this - and someday i will find the man that i deserve, the man that deserves me - i just hope that brad can someday soon shed his immaturity, come into himself, and figure out what he really wants - everyone deserves that -

Disillusionment

LOVE: ok, so WOW!!! - it's been nearly a month since i've posted a real blog - and what a month it's been - about a month ago i wrote of the night brad and i officially started dating...of the night we both first said "i love you" - it's hard to believe that's been a month already - this month has flown by so quickly, yet i can honestly say it's been the happiest month of my life - it's time to get a lil sappy, but it's my 1 month anniversary damnit - i can get sappy if i want to - brad has truly made my life complete - he has filled a void i never even knew was there - i feel things for him i never thought possible - we give each other strength we never knew we had - together we are one - i can feel him inside of me - with each beat of my heart, with each breath i take, he is there with me - the way he makes me feel is indescribable - it's so much more than anyone before him could have even dreamed of making me feel - i have fallen hard, and he has caught me - together we are flying high -  I LOVE YOU, BRAD, TODAY AND ALWAYS  - and i will gladly scream it out for the entire world to hear - thank you for making me the luckiest guy alive -

SCHOOL: this is finals week - i have been awful when it comes to studying - i guess i've just had other things on my mind - lol - tomorrow shall be an awful horrid test - should be the worst of our finals - glad to get it over with early - now if only i'd have already started studying - well, i suppose i really should get started on that rather than blogging more - but this is finals week, which means just 1 more week till i get to go home and see my baby again - as quickly as this month has gone by, even the last week since i've seen him feels too long - he is my world and my everything - this shall indeed be the greatest Christmas and new years ever -

PICS: click here for some pics of me and brad if you happen to be interested - aren't we cute together?!?!?!

Twins - Brad, me, Lij - lol

just wanted to try to post a pic...thanks to ANNA for teaching me how to do this!!!

also thanks to anna for the following:

"GHETTO SPELLIN' BEE"

Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader. This is Leroy's homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.
 
1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.
2. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good.
3. Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.
4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.
5. Rectum - I had two Cadillac's, but my b*** rectum both.
6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.
7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he hand me a cup and said penis.
8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look
fake." He say, "Bullsh*t, that watch israel".
9.Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.
10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic took me to the poolhall.
11. Iraq - When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle iraq, break.
12. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped ny and I axed her, " Do you plan on stain for dinner?"
13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" She say "fortify."
14. Income - I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.