pinksoftsoap's Xanga

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 16:31:57 GMT

pikaboy: so you're going to Panama?
pikaboy: how long will you be there?
pikaboy: will you be online?
pikaboy: who will I talk to?
pikaboy: will you be blogging?
pikaboy: WILL THE WORLD END?!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 12:21:11 GMT

Tiffany is going to Panama tomorrow. for missions. MISSIONS. Lord help the Panamanians see Christ through this battered, messy soul.

God has been very, very good. I just wanted to note that for the few loyal readers I have here. Patience and faithfulness is what I have been trying to practice, one day at a time. My inhibitions have been lowered and I have been braver as of late. I am open to much more than I was before and I am, as Peter Kwan so wisely told me I would, beginning to see who it is that I am again.

I am thankful for the friends that I have. All of my friendships are one-to-one and most span many years. I used to hope and expect that I will have the same conversations and relationships with certain people when we're 80 years old, reflecting back upon our lives lived as opposed to dabbling in ideas, dreams and the future. I have not been able to keep everyone I loved in my life.. some, I still hope will come back. I suppose this is life though. Time keeps moving and one has to keep up.

Praise God.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 01:06:03 GMT

Pastor Aaron taught me from scripture that it is Jesus who was sent to proclaim freedom, to release the oppressed. It is God who calls upon Himself to bind up the brokenhearted. I am supposed to let Him do that. I always trust scripture.

Ok Lord, here it is. Here is my heart; it is bleeding still. Please fix it. I will wait.

Israel also affirmed that God will carry me through this. I don't know how he knew about what I am going through but his words were comforting. I believe God can do amazing things. I have seen Him do amazing things- and all I had to do was ask. Sometimes I didn't even ask. Please God, heal me. I trust You.

I feel like He must be doing something because I imagine I would be in in a much worse state if He wasn't. I am a supremely blessed child and I am thankful everyday. I dislike being sad. Everyone has been so kind. I am actually starting to see NYCAC as my family and learning to trust them.

One day at a time.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 13:46:11 GMT

the past is being rewritten in my head. everything i thought i once knew is being doubted and reanalyzed. i did not go into work again today. my boss wants me to see a therapist so i am looking for a Christian one. she thinks i need medication. i think that's just how white people handle their emotions these days.

i have been having so many conversations with so many people. many existential philosophical musings on life, relationships. for some reason, God does not seem practical here. God never seems to be the solution when we're dealing with emotions. God is the solution if you have a physical ailment or a career hurdle or if spiritual change in others is needed. can He understand my pain? i wrote on chris wu's facebook note that He must be able to; He has to be able to. but it's hard to tell what that matters if things remain the same in the earthly realm.

thank you to all those who have been praying for me. i have been hit back a lot more but as long as i am still updating here, i suppose i am not dead yet. i also have stopped talking to ray for awhile. i suppose i only write that here so that i remember.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 01:05:20 GMT

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 10:46:34 GMT

There must be more than this
O breath of God, come breathe within
There must be more than this
Spirit of God, we wait for You
Fill us anew we pray
Fill us anew we pray

Consuming fire
Fan into flame
A passion for Your name
Spirit of God
Fall in this place
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way
With us

Come like a rushing wind
Clothe us with power from on high
Now set the captives free
Leave us abandoned to Your praise
Lord let Your glory fall
Lord let Your glory fall

Consuming fire
Fan into flame
A passion for Your name
Spirit of God
Fall in this place
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way
With us

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 11:16:19 GMT

i have lost 10 lbs.

10 lbs!

not having a scale, i had to make use of my nysc membership just to weigh myself. it was the first time i had visited the gym in months and i didn't even work out. i'm now the same weight i was at when i started attending nycac. per christy luo two years ago, if i lose 10 more, i can model for Qi Cashmere! ............eh. i don't know how models do it. i feel incredibly fragile from not eating and my sudden thinness kind of concerns me. clothes that i used to consider abandoning hope in fitting are now loose on me. i worry i may collapse on the street one day. people are impressed when i tell them of this recent slimming - "i wish i could lose 10 lbs!" okay, begin a relationship, continue it for over three years and have the other party clearly end it. it is not fun. :(

i think i know great people. really great people.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 13:46:48 GMT

Jacqueline: KNOW THAT YOU ARE LOVED BY MOM/DAD, ME AND GOD

have i told you that life is bizarre? oh right, it's written up in my header.

Yesterday I went to my parents' to have dinner. I hadn't seen them in awhile. My dad had his shirt off and I saw that he had gotten much, much thinner. I arrived late in the evening so they had eaten but saved food for me. My dad quickly brought out a plate of chicken he made just for me (because i am a meat-eater), scooped me a bowl of his homemade soup (with shrimp and mushrooms and other sorts of goodness), and got me a fork. For the first time in a long while, I felt strange having him serve me. I ate and chatted with my mom, who was watching her tv dramas in the living room. She looked the same, always vibrant, confident, like me sometimes. My mom is pretty fearless. Except for masks and museum dioramas of scary things. Like me. Before I had finished, my parents asked me if I wanted mango or a sweet dessert. I wasn't hungry but I couldn't give up mango. I watched as my dad peeled them in the kitchen. I was even more surprised when he finally brought it out and it was all sliced neatly with toothpicks in them. By the time I left for the two-block walk back to my apartment, I felt a very odd sensation of empathy and care for those two people I used to hold accountable for so much of my past hurt. They have become people to me now, as opposed to just incorrect authoritative figures. All of their flaws became understandable to me. I imagine parenting must have been quite a strange experience for them. I am sure they had to play everything by ear, just as I often do. I also became very aware that they are now pushing 60 years of age.

My sister was somewhat rejoicing today as I told her my recent thoughts on our parents. She said that she's so happy because I finally GET that they love me so much, even though I don't care for them. I guess for a long time I really did not care for them too much. I never even thought about them. I find that they're quite interesting people and they form an interesting couple. I'm sad that I did not realize how valuable their care for me was before.

I suppose I have been reflecting a lot lately, over everything since the break up. I have been considering more the whole of life and I hope God is maturing me through this. When I am not emotional, I know that there is nothing to fear. When I am patient, then my thoughts are clear and acceptance of things come.

Peter Kwan used to post this poem (with God omitted of course as Peter is an agnostic):

God grant me the serenity; To accept the things I cannot change;; Courage to change the things I can;; And wisdom to know the difference.

I never cared for the serenity prayer, just as I never care for anything everyone posts everywhere, but now I see how applicable it is. Especially for those friends of mine who don't have those things. I am glad I have my family and I am glad I have my God. If there is anything stable enough to keep one grounded, it would be Him.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 18:56:45 GMT

it seems horrible now
it will be better
it gets better with each passing moment
day
month
trust me
people told me the same thing, like the void of lonelyness
and now here i am
attachment free
a little too much so, but nonetheless

you're still lonely

well lonely in general yes
lonely for ---, no
big difference
trust me
one feels like you can't breathe or function
the other one, just makes you think briefly..then you carry on

your gonna feel like sh*t for a little bit
like now, the past week
there are little glimpses of relief...where you actually forget what your going through and can somehow live vicariously through a temporal phase or emotion

mm

liek when u are with friends, watching something funny, etc.
then you sling shot back into the reality of things
in time, the two will juxtapose
where your solitude will feel like glimpses
and you sort of feel like yourself again
then you wonder 'hmm....so this is how i used to be'
and it sorta feels good

mm
that sounds like something to look forward to

yah it really is
but its a steady process
i have become one of the most patient people i know
yah so time roll.....go eat a small portion of chocolate.....proportional to a proper daily dose....don't develop new attachments....do things in moderation!
there IS light at the end of this tunnel

yeah, this feeling.....is one of the most universal feelings there ever were
and its quite interesting actually
but for now, best not focus of the grandeur of it all

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 11:43:52 GMT