I did not know this until now but it seems as though my subscription ends in one month! Yay for Xanga!

Wish I would have known his for quite some time, sometimes I just needed to write.

Well, I hope you’re all doing well!

I’ve been around but every time I log on there aren’t many people posting here. It makes me sad. Well makes sense with still so much uncertain with which 2.0 entails but at least we finally received an update today. I’m still anxious to see what it’s going to look time. I’ve been here since 2004. I go time through out the years where I do take breaks but it’s not because I leave but because I take time out from the blogging scene. 

A single mom with a child in 2nd grade surely has busy times with homework, cooking and maintaining everything i must do. This year they’re trying to concentrate more on reading with the kids which is wonderful because my son needs that. I also enrolled him in an earlier class in his school. He usually starts school at 9 but since I put him in a tutoring class type at 7:30am… the transition was different and I little tougher for me it seems but it’s working out so far. 

My parents left town for a little bit. My dad is helping his bro fix up his house in Minnesota. And he wanted my mom to go so so far she’s been relaxing our there. Travels are tough when you’re going to try and work and there was no money from the beginning but I wish them the best until they come back. It was my dad’s birthday on the 27th (Tuesday) and I was okay, I spoke with him on the phone. It was nice, but I’m so use to buying a lil cake and celebrating that way. I was a bit emotional. 

Since my parents are out of town working the once a week is hard. I can’t go to work if there is no one to meet my son here and since we’ve lived here a few years and don’t know people around here. I know they’re friendly but you don’t typically see people out and much less just randomly trust people you don’t talk much to. And the neighbors you would trust are hardly here. Haha so it was a struggle. I was going to go ask a neighbor that lives a few blocks away but we don’t talk much and Danny would have to get off the bus and walk out there. I felt compelled not to go work. My love saved the day. I didn’t think that was an option but he truly shows his love to us. He’s taken vacation days on those few tuesdays to allow me to work. It’s not much work but the gesture and  favor is more than I can ever repay. I’m a lucky woman to have a man like this. 

We just found a school mate from my sister (A little girl that lived down the street from us when we were growing up, who my mom watched her for a little, her brother helped tutor me when I was 10 on the clarinet) ‘s body was down on a river. Well they barely Identified the body. She had disappear last january and the body was found as a Jane Doe in April and her body had already started decomposing so it wasn’t too recognizable. But, thank God they found out who it was. So sad that since her body was found in a bad shape the cause of death is undetermined and may never be found. Her name was Ana Karina. May her soul rest in peace and her family finally receive closure. No one deserves to go through that but we always never have a say in the way we’re all going to go out. 

I know many of you have been wondering where she @snoog420 went … well she’s been ….not here…. kind of, even though she’s come back recently as @NoiteOrquidea But, this isn’t really about her even though we want to show her love and support for what her family is going through.  I know many of us aren’t too much around but none the less we’re all a family and a community here and if it were a family member of ours or even our own kids we would be pulling together to help ease pain. 

Snoog’s (Ani)family is trying to raise funds for her cousin and husband to help with everything with their little daughter’s death. I know some of you can’t because times are hard but some of you may be able to and it would all be greatly appreciated. 

Follow this link … here oor copy and paste this  gofundme.com/3wzt9g … Any donation will help no matter how small. Please take a moment! 

Go say hi and to snoog and help her out. The loss of a child in any family is painful. 

All I thought was, what if it was my child? What would I do… May God grant this family the strength and love to over come such a hard time. 

Please go help them and donate what you can! 

From the bottom of my heart, I thank you all! May you all be blessed!

Nothing is scarier than waking up with two of your calves screaming in pain, wanting to escape your body… it’s bad enough when it’s one but when it’s two…AHHHHHHHHhhhhh!!!!!

You get the picture.

All that talk about pregnancy last night and your family wanting you to have kids and then you realizing that you didn’t take your pills right over the weekend creep up bad when you realize that you mainly haven’t had your calves hurt that bad since you were pregnant with you son, who is 7 1/2 years old. 

yea that’s when the thoughts of conversation creep up… 

And my mom’s story with the beans… (Mexican, tall tale) 

Apparently, when they’re cleaning the beans if one falls out or something it means 

“BABY”

(according to my dad)

So then my mom reminded my dad that story and then she said she dropped two. 

And my dad said, “TWINS”

And she tells me the story last night, and she laughs telling me that maybe I’ll be the lucky one to have twins. They’ve been on this one for a while. I think they want me to have kids or something… scary!!! 

And every time they bring it up I laugh nervously and want to 

My aunt yesterday, was telling me that Danny was older now and it was time for me to have kids. Haha funny people… always trying to give suggestions. 

And I woke up to all those thoughts. And I thought, “Oh shit! I’m having twins”  

But, I’m not. haha You can point a finger and laugh if I do in the next 9-10 months others wise… I’m not! 

Hahahahahaha 

Scary thoughts… 

thanks for reading… 

#MadeYouLook 

I know there was a bit of drama with the whole changing of the dead line and what not but be that as a may…

to the undead 

I saw that xanga is a little over $10,000 short. It makes me sad that it might not make it. As much as I have been on and off since 2004, this place has been my home and the place where I have confined the best.

I’m sure going to miss having all of you in the same page to scan and read posts. Everybody is so scattered now. Mainly most of you are in wordpress. I know I’m not there and that makes it tough but a few of you are in blogger and through that I can follow you in wordpress. I know it’s not the same but I will do my best.

This was very fun while it lasted and I’m so glad I met so many of you. Well, I met a handful in person and what a privilege that was. And, instead of meeting some of you I spoke through messages we got to know each other more that way.

I mean I met my boyfriend here @cucumber_melonhead. I was actually looking forward to and when/if we took the leap of faith/life and ever made it official to post about it but none the less the memories here are endless. The memories that started on xanga and became real life are priceless. I can’t say how sad I am that this is happening, but I’m glad we talked and you’re all wonderful people. You all meant so much to me. *big bear hug*

Xanga has been the place where I was able to vent. The first place I was able to feel as myself and felt people accepted. Never in life had I felt this happy. It came such a part of me that Xanga broke a relationship I was starting, then I met another great person who helped me find myself and ultimately helped me find the love of my life. I’d say this is major for my simple little life.

Thanks to all of you wonderful xangans. Not, only because you’re wonderful people but because your posts  helped with issues in life, helped me understand that I wasn’t alone, gave me advice, helped me understand different positions and even understand different  religions. I learned I’m  passive when it come to arguments. I found myself here and I gain more confidence. This site what I needed to be me.

Thanks!

Farewell to some and to other’s ttyl, and to other’s I will see you in other places.

Miss you all…

Love with all my might, 

Rey Flores

I borrowed Johnson’s glasses, messy hair…

Then we all played water balloons and water fighting with my son. fun times this weekend.

A happy family, indeed! =D

Simply Us! <3

Thank you for reading. Hope you are having a wonderful summer! Peace!!

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or find me on Facebook just  tell me who you are. =D

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So for those of you you who have been around and gave me advice I want to say thank you and I appreciate. My son has been promoted to the 2nd grade and I couldn’t be happier. I still have work to do but I’m happy he is given the chance. He was working harder and he’s reading better. Now that must continue for more success. 

I’m happy I got the news yesterday with his report card. 

I’m still saddened about the situation of Xanga but what can we do? I will surely miss this place. But, I can say it has brought me a lot of peace when I was able to express myself and more importantly it brought me the love of my life to me. Too bad we wont be able to post about it in the future but this place brought many gifts to us and I will always appreciate this place for that. 

Nothing’s wrong mind you…

 But something I get these thoughts and I know they’re not nice or good… I try fighting them making and them go away. I’ve been hiding them them forever. It’s like they just don’t want to leave me. Lately they’ve been worse and I feel so guilty. It burns my inside. I’m trying harder.

All I see is myself at the end of the edge just waiting to leap. It feels like everything will be all better that way. But, then I wonder for who. you know? I just feel like lately I do is put people down, like my mood is disappointing and I’m hating myself for it. I feel needy but who likes that so I repress. I feel a bit anxious too. I’m overwhelmed with myself. It sometimes feel like if I go, everybody would be relieved. it’s not like anybody really remembers. But, let’s be honest I’m not those kinds of people. I just need a release, and nothing gives it to me. I use to cut to make me feel better from this place but I can’t even do that. There isn’t a place I can hide. I don’t need time off, I don’t need to go away but useless sometimes.

You gotta love these hormones lately. I pity when I feel this way. It’s like being on the outside looking in with disgust. All I really want is a drink. I just want to see why other’s drink to feel better. I don’t want to get drunk though. I wont buy alcohol though. I don’t like buying stuff really.

My mind is tired of talking to itself. It’s going around in circles it doesn’t have clarity at the moment.

I’m a grownup everything is suppose to make sense. Everything is suppose to be together already. As I get older I feel I’m losing control and I feel more like a child. Like with age I’m losing wisdom.

I wake up so many times at night. During the day, time flies… my life is running away… Am I really alive at the moment?

I should really be grateful for life. I have a beautiful son, a loving and caring boyfriend… I have 2 arms and legs … I get to teach my passion a couple times a month. I don’t know what’s wrong with me? Why do I feel this way…

Why do the tears not stop at times. Maybe, it’s because it’s night time?

Other times I really really want a baby… I actually find myself wanting a child for the first time in my life.

Then, I wonder why would I want to … I feel selfish thinking about the future. Then I fight myself back and forth. The really wanting a child wins but I don’t know … I know I wont be alone. But, I’m afraid of being alone again.

This must all be normal. I don’t know… *sigh*

Why  does my brain do this… Sometimes it feels like it masks my weakness with strength… I’m not strong at the moment. If somebody were to ask me to explain further, I’d be stumped. I have no explanation for feeling worthless. I just do. i have no reason for wanting to end it, I just have a reasons not to. How can I feel so my discontent when life is beautiful and I see happiness in everyday… That’s what I dont get. Why?

And why do I sometimes still feel alone? Am I doing something wrong?

It seems like my heart is racing less so maybe i’m feeling better, for now.

I use to be so competitive when I was young. I was not skinny or too athletic but it would never have stopped me to try and have a lil one on one… I had friends who excelled in school so I naturally tried harder. I wanted to come close to their brain capacity. I was ok and kept at it to not stay behind. Competition with them and myself and strive.

I excelled in many ways. I was young so goals were small. I beat them all at the driving test and driving permit. How many did you miss? They were boys… of course they wanted to make sure they knew more than I did. But, when it came down to paper at that point it didn’t matter. I felt triumphant. In music many seeked my help and nothing like blowing up my shy, weird, always wearing black, being made fun of by others, self… I didn’t care then.Well, i did but then my innocent self who craved love and understanding felt she was forever alone and i understood that then. I wanted small things in life. Well I did want love and to be wanted. But who doesn’t.

There was certainly one thing I beat many of my friends. I certainly lost my virginity first and not only that. I was the first to have my very own child, the first to lose hope and get lost. The first to have to grow up, the first to learn the hard way and the first to find herself being dead weight among her friends. 

I was the first to lose hope, to be lost and the first again to feel forever alone. It was a funny joke life through at me but I wasn’t laughing. I silent most of my life crying in dismay. I learned many things in life , maybe not the hardest way but, in a not so easy manner. The lessons learned have taught me a lot And one thing for sure is for others to avoid this. 

Its avoidable pain. Well maybe it’s not. I don’t know. I’m glad I’ve learned a lot and I have more. 

I still feel lost in life. I met the small goals in life and they took me no where. Feel a victim of certain circumstances but not due to my son that no matter what, was a choice. I hope one day I find another passion that will actually lead me to success. My passion now is A money less investment but a love no less. With the love I have in my life I know everything will fall in place. I pray the economy gets even more so better. 

I enjoy going to mass every sunday morning. The three of us go … Johnson @cucumber_melonhead , my son and I …

Don’t get me wrong there are times where I’m still confused as the one God and there is Jesus (Son of God) and he is the savior and our God but he’s not because he’s sitting at the right hand of the father. I guess the trinity thing just makes my head hurt over and over. And I read and recite the Nicene Creed every sunday and I hope the it helps and it doesn’t when it comes to the trinity. Sure, I shouldn’t even think about it but I can’t help it.

What will happen when my son is of age and starts wondering, how shall I answer him? he’s only 7, but still.

When we go to mass johnson leaves halfway… well doesn’t just leave. He’s dismissed. He started going to RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults) courses at the church where I go to mass, of course in case you didn’t know, I’m Roman Catholic.

He’s going to go into his 2nd year. He found something within the church that has brought him closer to God and of course We feel that God brought us together. He helps me understand so many things and I know there will be challenges. But, they should make us stronger and united as long as we keep communication.

The end and starting plan of course is to be married. And if it were just up to the state, I think somehow we might be married or not I don’t know. But, he wants to get married under the church and have the ritual just like I use to want to as a little girl.

Could I have been blessed anymore? I probably doubt it.

A more special man, there is not. Don’t get me wrong he does make me mad at times (And I hope this isn’t the first he finds out, and I know I’m at fault too, since it’s hard for me to express myself at times. I rather cry it out to myself like it’s a tantrum than say something that probably means nothing) … You know I vowed myself to TRY not be a nagging person or say stupid things like things that I always use to see girls get mad with their guys. it looks so stupid. I have found myself being as stupid as they act and sometimes I find it unreasonable so why show it to someone so I keep it to myself… yup I do…

I found out that guys don’t pay attention to somethings anyways… so it’s not all their fault. It’s our fault for sometimes having false expectations. But, is it so wrong, at times… to want more? Maybe it is… because  I’m sure they want more at times but don’t say anything. And they’re not, and so we’re not mind readers either.

I hope I never make anyone feel trapped or burdened.

I always pray for patience and understanding. Goodness, do I need it at times!!!

More importantly I give thanks everyday because without life and the challenges I have, I would be nothing or no one.