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| "Cats are filthy disgusting creatures straight from the den of Satan." - Troy Duffy
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| "Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence." -Einstein | | |
| Church HumorAttending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to
her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the
color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the
groom wearing black?"
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she
could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed,
"Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me
be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and
fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up,
brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once
again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But
please don't shove me either!"
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The
first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he
calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a
piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to
collect all the money!"
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested
no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I
don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you
had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus
with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a
baby sitter."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy
father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches
us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one
little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when
they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in
the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and
said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong
preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about
all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa
Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad
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| Some Jokes:
-What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses
- What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko..
- Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him
-Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog
-How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
-Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
-What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment
-What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
-Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good ride
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| Some Funny Bumper Stickers:
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
If you love something, set it free....if it doesn't come back, hunt it down and kill it!
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
If you can read this, you are in range.
An armed society is a polite society.
I just got a gun for my wife - good trade.
Keep Honking - I'm Reloading
God, Guts and Guns keep America free
Gun control means using both hands
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon
My Wife? Yes. My Dog? Maybe. My Gun? Never.
If guns cause crime, matches cause arson, and spoons make people fat.
Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
What we really need is a ten-day waiting period and background check before you can buy a Congressman
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