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| desperateThere's no point in justifying it, talking around it, or hiding it. My life is a mess.
Last semester, by God's grace, I passed all my classes. This semester, I'm on course to fail at least half my classes. I haven't done homework for either of my physics classes since the first week of class; homework is worth 20% in both of them. I literally failed my quantum midterm. On a good week, I go to more than two lectures out of the ten I have. This has come about by an incredible lack of motivation, for school and for knowing and following God. Even as I see myself getting farther and farther behind in classes, more distant from God, and my life becoming meaningless, I don't care enough to do anything about it.
Last week, I was remotivated by my parents' response to the summer missions trip I want to go on (and wanted to go on last year but didn't): Pass your classes, and you can go on VSET. But that motivation only lasted for a day before I lapsed into utter apathy again.
These paragraphs, I hope, aren't meant for me to just complain or make you feel sorry for me.
I desperately need your prayer.
Please pray for me:
- that I would say "yes" to God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit; and "no" to my flesh, the world, and the devil
- that I would not just be humbled, but be humble, and come to Jesus' feet even after intentionally disobeying
- that I would have the discipline to spend devotional time with God even when I don't feel like it; and to study even when I don't feel like it
- for brothers and sisters to keep me accountable by studying with me, and not letting me be distracted
- and especially, that I would continually realize the love of God and be motivated by it to live for Him. "For God was pleased to . . . reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth
or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the
cross." Colossians 1:19-20
Thanks, you guys.
For those of you I haven't talked to in a long time . . . well, I guess I've been keeping to myself and to the Navigators, avoiding other social contact so you wouldn't see how low I've sunk. Lame, yes, I know. Maybe I'll sign onto AIM one of these days.
Until next time,
me
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| | You scored as Disease. Your death will be by disease. Maybe a foreign bug or you don't brush your teeth. Ew. BRUSH!
Disease | | 60% | Posion | | 53% | Accident | | 53% | Suicide | | 53% | Bomb | | 47% | Gunshot | | 47% | Natural Causes | | 47% | Disappear | | 47% | Cut Throat | | 40% | Drowning | | 33% | Eaten | | 33% | Stabbed | | 33% | Suffocated | | 13% |
How Will You Die??
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| Hey folks. Long time no update, I know, and the last one wasn't much. Well, if I started where I left off, I would first of all be up all night and second of all be tired of writing by the time I got to recent news, so let's cut to the chase . .
Last night was my Eagle Court of Honor, the ceremony honoring my achievement of the rank of Eagle Scout two and a half years ago . . hah, procrastination. It's a lot of work to put on the ceremony (which my parents and I get to do) hence the procrastination . . and hence me not doing much else since I started break . .
Pictures are here. It was a joint ceremony with my friend Welton, so he's in a lot of pictures too. I'm too lazy to tell you what was going on in all of that, but if you ask me about stuff I can explain it to you . . it's a lot of talking . . so pictures don't necessarily make much sense . . but yeah. I got some nice gifts from my parents and from the troop - a nifty pocketwatch, a new wallet (but can't handle the thickness of the junk I usually carry around . . some reorganization is in order), and a Thermarest self-inflating sleeping pad (suh-weet, been camping for a long time without one). And part of the process was writing to important people to request letters of congratulations (kinda lame, "hey can you congratulate me?" - but) resulting in lotsa nifty certificates, personalized letters, and even a plaque from people like senators, president, mayor, govern(at)or, ex-presidents . . the list goes on . . but yeah, it's pretty nifty.
I could/should write some things about Christmas I suppose . . the usual family stuff . . that makes it sound lame, it wasn't that lame, just not that exciting . . all my family (cept for a few that I didn't get to see anyway) are around the Bay Area so I see them often enough . . guess I should be grateful for that. Family (extended I mean) are cool, but I see them often enough that it's not special, but not often enough that I really know them and can talk about anything with them . . ehhh I dunno . . the fake (ish) smile, the small talk, the sitting around enduring conversations I have no interest in . . again, it's not that bad, but all those elements are there, and we never do anything, really. Just eat the meal (yes, good food), open some presents which don't mean that much to me . . all the things I actually want are things that they (extend family, esp. grandma and uncle) can't give me, or it just doesn't make sense to ask them for . . ehh . . kind of lost the momentum of my rant. What it comes down to is, they don't really know me . . they know a part of me, and it's not that it's not me, but it's just that there's a large part of me that they know about without really knowing . . . okay . . enough italics . . and yeah, it's not really that bad.
k, posting . . more update later . . like on the semester and all . .
[EDIT] Oh yeah, I forgot to mention . . I have a new cell phone . . no more fat old phone that doubles as a bludgeoning weapon of defense . . new LG 5200 . . woot . . and I also have a ***NEW 510 CELL NUMBER*** . . so any of you Berkeley folks can call me from your landline or whatever . . (sorry 408 peepz . . no hard feelings now)
So I'm not going to post my number here for the world to see but IM me or email me or call my house or something and I'll hook you up, aite? Aite. Late d00d.
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| This afternoon I came to the profound realization that there's no fundamental difference between dumplings and ravioli.
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| Sleep can be such a waste of time.
This past week classes started, and along with them, daily morning
quiet times (QTs) on campus with Navs. Last year QTs started at 8 for
whoever could come out, but some have class at 8. This year, to solve
that problem, we're starting at 7. =]
Despite class not starting til 9:30 or 10 each day, I've resolved to
try to do QTs every morning. Last week I made four out of five.
Thursday I woke up but decided (with that tenuous 6:30 am logic) that
it would be better to sleep in a bit and QT later instead. That screwed
me up for the whole day; I slept in til 9:20 or so, not sleeping well
anyway despite being plenty tired, got up to rush to class, was sleepy
through classes anyway, never ended up QTing later; overall a very
"bleh" day. At that point I realized that it will always be beneficial
to go to morning QTs, even if I'm sleepy and don't get much out of it.
There's just nothing as good as getting up to spend time with God, in
his Word, focusing on him. Sleep is enjoyable, and indeed it is
necessary, but a night's sleep doesn't make the next day better or
worse, really. My most satisfying days last year were the ones for
which I was running on three or four hours of sleep, but managed to get
up early, spend time with the Lord, and be productive all day long.
Friday I learned from my mistake and got up to QT; Saturday I got up at
about 8:40 to go to Willard Park to reserve some space for our barbecue
(and QTed while I waited there). Saturday I was reading Mark 1:35-39 -
35Very early in the morning, while it was
still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary
place, where he prayed. 36Simon and his companions went to look for him, 37and when they found him, they exclaimed: "Everyone is looking for you!"
38Jesus replied, "Let us go somewhere else—to the nearby villages—so I can preach there also. That is why I have come." 39So he traveled throughout Galilee, preaching in their synagogues and driving out demons.
- and upon meditation realized that it is best to get up early on
weekends as well, to QT as Jesus did, regardless of being tired; and I
can always sleep more later, if there is time.
Easier said than done. Last night I was up til 1:30 or so; still
haven't really caught up on sleep from a week of (mostly) getting up
around 6 or 6:30. I set my alarm for 8:30 to follow through with
yesterday's conviction. I even woke up at that time. But my flesh overcame my spirit
and I did not get up. I slept in until 11, and upon finally getting up
I felt frustration at having completely wasted my morning.
Part of the problem is, once I decide to roll over and continue
sleeping after my alarm, I know I should have gotten up, and I know
I'll regret the time I spent sleeping in; thus I cringe away from
facing the reality of my mistake and try to keep on sleeping so I can
ignore this fact.
In conclusion, God has made it very clear that I should get up early
every morning (although yes, the definition of "early" can vary
somewhat), for a number of reasons. First, it's in the Bible; it's what
Jesus did. (In this case, he was up late the night before healing all
the people of the town, but he got up "while it was still dark" anyway.
It doesn't say that he got up this early every morning, but if he got
up early under those circumstances, I'm sure he did most or all of the
time besides.) Secondly, I know from personal experience on many
occasions that I feel better all day (better not equal to less sleepy)
if I get up despite being sleepy. And finally, on the flip side of
that, I know that if I oversleep then I feel lame and crappy for having
wasted a morning, and it gets me down for the whole day, screwing up my
preferred schedule and my spiritual life in general.
Praise be to God for that feeling of frustration when I oversleep, that
I might confront this issue and overcome it. In the past, oversleeping
was routine and I didn't think much of it; but it was just as wasteful
and adversely effective as it is now.
In other news, I should update this more often. Apartment is rather
lonely this weekend since Mike is gone for the weekend and James and
Nate are out most of the time. Smithfield is still awesome, Christ-centered rock music. Goblin
is cool too, on a rather different level, although I still don't
understand why I enjoy their music. And in some curious way, when
approached with the right heart, God's kingdom work is not tiring but instead only satisfying and energizing.
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