Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Tue, 04 Jan 2005 19:23:26 GMT

OK.... i just need to let this out real quick.... today.... i woke up... and felt nothing... so i thought everything was going to be OK... then Jornell called me again during 4th period... and i cried like a fukin baby... at least it was 4th period... Adam didn't say anything... i was so thankful... and he was actually being NICE to me for a change.... lol.... Sammy was freestyle rapping my name and some rhyme... lol my desk was so freaking wet from my tears... and i got so embarassed... NEVER again will i cry at school.... never again. So i just forced myself not to think about it... and smiled for the rest of the day.... I think Apollo's still mad at me i really didn't mean to freak out like that.... anywayz... Sometimes i really love school... it's like a place to get away... so many people to distract you from everything... and now... here i am again... alone... at home... I CAN'T stand it... i called Kent up... he said he can be here at 5:30... so i have to wait... that's all...

P.S. it tears me up into pieces... i can feel the egde of pain cutting at me over and over again... but never let them see you cry..... right......? it's ok..... i feel so fucking miserable i just wanna laugh till i drown out the sounds of me screaming inside.... good bye.

\\\\\\\\\\edit: umm... it's 9 pm... it's kind of sad how people stick to you like glue when your happy yet shy away from you when your down....... I need REAL friends.... I don't know where to find any... i just lost the one and only person i never doubted.... and right now i feel so fucking lonely.... and it kills me because it seems like no one cares.... it's been months since the last time i've seen him... but i knew he was still there... coping... holding on... telling me about how in the future we would move in next to each other... and how he would visit me always.... but now.... never again.... daymn.... You were more than a friend to me... we were like family... I miss you sooooooooo much Mike... words cannot describe how much it hurts.... how much i feel this loss bearing down me.... I pour my heart out on this stupid site because no one is willing to listen... no one wants to look at me as the tears roll down my face while i tell them i'm hurting.... why? I did the same for all of you.... why when it's my turn you leave me here to cry alone.... by myslef.... in this empty room... in this empty house... sometimes i feel so alone in this world... i miss my damn teddy bear... shit.... i don't even know who the hell out there is reading this... or if you even give a shit... I don't know... it's just that... you get comfort from all the people you don't want it from.... no.... no... from you people you don't need it from... and the ones you do... just leave you there hanging... I know this isn't about me... This is about Mike... we should all be happy for him because he is now in a better place... no more worries, no more trouble, no more pain. I just wish i could have the same thing.... I wish i could go with him and not get left behind... it's just that...... they always seem to leave... one way or another...

Monday, January 03, 2005

Mon, 03 Jan 2005 19:26:05 GMT

Mike died this morning..... so much pain... so much tears... can't cope... cant breath... i want to fall asleep and never wake up... don't want to think... don't want to dream... i miss you... i love you... i need you... i will never be able to hold you again... i need to get away....

Monday, January 03, 2005

Mon, 03 Jan 2005 01:16:44 GMT

screw this shit....Mike got into an accident... he's in the hospital right now... Jornell called me around 8 something and told me he's not doing well... FUCK it hurts like hell.... out of all the people in my entire life, i didn't think i'd have to worry about loosing Mike oh GOD please...... oh please...... not this time... not him... not now... not MY Mike.... I dont want to think about it... i've been trying to block it out of my head... that didn't help much.... because the other thing that popped into my head.... was him and it freaked the hell out of me.... I must have sounded like i was going crazy.... and it sorta feels like i am........ fuck it... I need to lay down... please pray for Mike... PLEASE... I'll do anything... just do me this one favor... i'll never ask for anything again.

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Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Monday, January 03, 2005

Monday, January 03, 2005