I will not make the same mistakes that you did

I will not let myself Cause my heart so much misery

I will not break the way you did

You fell so hard

Ive learned the hard way to never let it get that far

Because of you ive never strayed too far from the side walk

Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt

Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me

Because of you I am afraid

I loose my way

And its not too long before you point it out

I cannot cry because I know that’s weakness in your eyes

Im forced to fake a smile a laugh everyday of my life

My heart cant possibly break

When it wasn’t even whole to start with

Because of you ive never strayed too far from the side walk

Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt

Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me

Because of you I am afraid

I watched you die I heard you cry every night in your sleep

I was so young you should have know better than to lean on me

You never thought of anyone else you just saw you pain

And now I cry in the middle of the night for the same damn thing

Because of you ive never strayed too far from the side walk

Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt

Because of you I try my hardest just to forget everything

Because of you I don’t know how to let anyone else in

Because of you im ashamed my life because its empty

Because of you I am afraid

Because of you

Because of you

Classic song.  [for a] Classic mood. 

I find meaning behind every word, every line, every verse, that ties directly to my own life.  It pulls constantly at my heart strings.  It re-opens old wounds, creates new wounds, and heals broken wounds all at once.  It does everything it was meant to do and more.  It moves me in ways I didn’t know I was  able to move in. 

What a great and climactic opening right?  It makes you think i actually have some huge story to tell, some place that I’m heading to.  As if I were going to take you on a journey.  Oh, if I could I would.  I would take you there so easily.  Holding your hand, we would race through the clouds until it felt like time was passing us by.  Mostly because it actually was.  We travel back to a time where each one of these lines rang true and I show you how they are.  I take you back to the time and place where it happened.  Suddenly and the ending you see so clearly everything.

Everything.  As if it were that easy for me to write everything.  I hope one day to be able to.  To be able to write wonderful works about my life and my work.  That what I experienced in my life would help someone else.  And that the things I will see in my work and the peoples lives I try to change will help others who I am unable to even know.  That of course is if I ever become open enough to share every detail of my past with anyone, let alone, everyone.

I never regretted the decisions I made in life but there are some I would have liked to change.  Or laid awake at night wishing they would have happened to someone else.  Heartbreak, beatings, rape, drunken nights, broken friendships, death and divorce are just a few of them.  I learned that if these things did not happen to me, I do not know the person I would be today.  Every bruise and every scar shaped me into the person sitting here writing this.  Even one less incident would have changed the person I am.

Part One: [constancy]

I am thankful for the two things that have stayed constant in my life since birth.  God and Family.  Even through my faith was never as constant as I would have liked it to be He was still there.  Every time something happened in my life and I turned to God.  And like the loving Father that He is, He never turned me away.  I was unfaithful for a long time, time that I cannot even remember and still when the worst things happened He still opened His loving arms to me.  When I bring anything I am going through to God I feel this overwhelming comfort consume every part of my body.  It is the most peaceful feeling I have ever felt.  Now my relationship with God is much more constant and so is the peace I missed most of my early life.

My relationship with God is very similar to my relationship with my family also.  My family was constant, but the people in my family were not.  I always had my mother, father and sister.  But I never knew where I was going to see them next.  My father moved out when I was young and I don’t actually remember much of a time before the separation.  I think this is for the best.  My father moved a few times before settling down with my stepmother and stepbrothers in a house not far from my mothers.  As I became more involved in high school events, I stopped spending as much time with my father as I used to.  My mother and I never moved but we did have a guest move in with us.  I don’t know when it was, sometime in junior high, my stepfather moved in.  They married when I was in high school.  It was a very different environment for me.  I don’t think the treats my mother like she should be treated.  I feel like my mother falls into more debt now that he lives her than before.  No matter what changed as I grew up my mother and father were always around.

My older sister was always there to help me through life.  When I was younger she took care of me and as we both grew up and she moved away to college she was there to be my shoulder to lean on.  She would move home for a time and move away again.  My sister was always moving.  No matter how many miles, hours, or states separated us she was still there for me.  She was my escape.  Through my parents remarriages I received five stepbrothers.  I’m closer to some than I am to others, more or less due to the age differences we all have.  They all still mean the world to me and I would give anything for their happiness.