I love movies. I do, I love film. I think if I boiled it all down it would just come from a love of stories. I love plots, characters, scene changes, symbolism. I love a good story. I love a bad story. As long as it's a story, I'll be happy.

Life doesn't happen like stories though. I've caught some glimpses of stories, but nothing has ever worked out. I've seen too many stories with characters like myself to feel excited about the rest of my life. I look at me and all that I've done and don't see it going anywhere happily. I see myself alone, absorbed in my own life, my own problems so much that I care nothing about what any person who would dare get close to me thinks. I'm the character in every movie that gets forgotten. I'm that first boyfriend to every teen girl in every movie who falls in love with the perfect guy and forgets about the first boyfriend. Of course, what can I do? Her life will most certainly be better off with him. And why wouldn't it? I mean, he is perfect after all isn't he? He's tall, athletic, smart, funny, charming, rich, successful, and madly in love with the girl who is madly in love with him.

No one remembers that first boyfriend though. He finishes his role in the movie within the first thirty minutes, leaving a whole hour and a half devoted to the perfect guy. Five girls I've pursued-FIVE. and three of those within the span of like 8 months. The first two were in high school...whatever. But the last three? I mean, come on Andrew. None of those girls had ever dated before they met me. Ok, so I'm getting pretty good at attracting the inexperienced ones, but what really gets me is that all of them, save the most recent girl, Rachel, and even that I'm not sure about having seen some interesting pictures of her with another guy on facebook, all of the girls I've pursued have since been sought after by another guy. I know that this is life. This is how we find our soulmate or whatever the hell that means. We move on after we realize that he or she is not "the one" or whatever the hell that means either.

But, I mean, Andrew, what is your problem? You can't keep a girl interested in you. These girls though, they told you they liked you, told you that you were an amazing guy, told you that you were a Godly guy. Some of them still tell you that, so it must be true right? "How dare they," I say to them. How dare they tell me that I'm an amazing guy, that I'm a Godly guy, that they like me, that they can't believe that I would be interested in them. How dare they say those things, hold my hand, hug me, go out with me and then ignore me. How dare they do that. How dare they say those things then decide not to talk to me for whatever reason. With Olivia, I messed up, I don't want to get that story lost in the muck here. I know I did, I truly know I did. I pay for it every day. I can't walk down the halls of mercer without getting an interesting look from some girl who I don't even know by name but I know lived on the same floor as Olivia. I've been campaigned against in my elections for SGA. I watched from the sidelines of SGA this year, not angry for not being elected, supportive of those in office, and hoped that I would be elected next year. I, again, was defeated, amidst sounds of "Vote for Philip" (who truly is one of the most qualified individuals to do the job and for whom I have the utmost respect for, this isn't about him but I just heard his name called) from those very girls on Olivia's hall.

Hannah ignored me for two weeks before I forced the issue as to why this was going on. Rachel, for three weeks did the same thing. And deep down I may have known that it was never supposed to work out with Hannah, but should that be reason enough to ignore me? To treat me that way? And Rachel...where do I begin. For the first time with any girl, with any other person I knew that a relationship of some kind was God's plan. I prayed for her, for us ceaselessly. When I was with her she only helped me to grow closer to God. She is beautiful, she's smart, she's funny, she's fun to be with. We were good together, but then she told me she didn't want--not that she didn't want to talk to me, but that she couldn't keep talking to me, like I was some kind of a burden to her. Then she makes a commitment not to date for five years? Was I that horrible of a person that she needed to get away from me?

My spiritual life suffers now because of all that. I'm not blaming them. I am trying to blame them for my failed relationship with God, but I've been taught too well by people that love God more than I ever will that my relationship with God is about me and about God and not about other people. Other people shouldn't negatively affect God and me. I'm trying to blame these girls (truly, I've never felt closer to Adam) but at the end of the day, lying in bed, sleepless and ever alone, I know that it is all my fault. I know that everything is all my fault. "But Andrew, how can you say that?" I can say that because that's all I know. Somehow, despite what has been done to me, I wasn't good enough. I wasn't manly enough. I wasn't Godly enough. I wasn't attractive enough. I wasn't cool enough. I wasn't mature enough. I wasn't anything good enough for any of those girls.

And now I feel like nothing to God. I am nothing to God. He doesn't need me. As Josh Bales puts it so wisely, "It's a lopsided love affair." I need God, but he doesn't need me. That's what hurts. I just want to be needed and none of those girls, no God, not my parents, nor even my friends. I'm not needed for anything by anyone. I get lost in the memory of the first thirty minutes of the film. I'm that character that is needed only to show how great everyone else is. The only good I do is showing how great everyone else is. I have nothing to offer. I have no confidence left to try anything. I'm scared of becoming something. All the men I've ever seen up close I don't want to be anything like them. Both of my mom's brothers are divorcees and are miserable. My dad's brothers...that's a whole other story. I've only met one of them in my short twenty years. The other, well he owns his own business and is successful but he never finished college, but his children are both unmarried, over twenty five and the younger of the two just got out of prison two years ago.

My father whom I love very much is not happy. He realizes that he'll never be able to do what he wants to do. What kind of a life is that? Doing something you don't want to do until you retire on a pension that won't ever allow him to do anything he wants to is not the way I want to be. He's getting older and is now realizing that physically he can't do what he used to. He has virtually no confidence and no happiness.

How am I supposed to know what a good life looks like? I have this idea in my head, but I know I'll never get it. I'll never be happy. Life isn't happy. Why not? Why shouldn't life be happy? What I wouldn't give to go back and punch Adam for eating that apple. What I wouldn't give to go back and keep him from eating at all. Life would be happy then.

So I guess I'll ask any of you who happen upon this little introspection to remember the first boyfriend. Remember that character that taught you how life was supposed to be so that you can enjoy it better. Thank him. Pray for him. Stay with him.

So I'm getting my knee cut open in less than like three hours. Wow, that's a weird thought.