Ah, old man...

People aren't always what you thought.
When you think you've got them all figured out, you peel away thier mask and stand in awe... 
The hands that raised, covered in filthy porn.
The sweet first, condemned with obsession.
The sadly shallow heart, suddenly deeper than oceans.

I'm turning over a new leaf. Surprises aren't always good.
                            Truth:

Your no super hero-I found it at the end.
So lie to me once again and tell me everything will be okay.
-12 stones-

The air is very thick with water, I'm crossing my fingers for rain.
Hmmm...I have way to much faith.
                                              
                                                                 LET
                       ME
                    DOWN

Did I tell you?
I've learned apathy here.

To late, so long...

Man, this is a whole new world to me.

Its like a slap in the face.
Its like ice cold water being poured on a unexpecting victom.
Its like a bump that wakes you in the night.
Its like that sharp pain that so suddenly appeared in your chest.
Its like hell.

And I swear that you don't have to go...I thought we could wait for the fire works, and I thought we could wait for the snow to wash over Georgia and kill the hurt.
I thought I could live in your arms.
I'd spend every moment I had with you.
Stay up all night with the stars
Confess all the faith that I had in you.

Just another night,
Just another dream wasted on you.

I praise God for Nathan Burnham,
What would life be like without faithful friends?
After everything- after romance, after romances with friends, after distance, and all these years
That boy will still stay with me untill two am, when I decide to stop crying, close my eyes and sleep.
When I decide that there is no answer except for time.

Love is a beautiful thing, my friend.
Never take it for granted.  For, just like life, it can flee from you in a heart beat.
I've made it a habit to accept what I can no longer have...but to never forget it.
These memories that lost love has given me are still with me to this day.
No matter it be a love, a friend or anything else. I wont ever forget what I've had.


Good night, all

Home: in the sun. Love: the smell of your shirt

This morning, on the dock:

...REMEMBERENCE...

It has been so long since I've sat here. But I am still overcome with the same emotions this old dock has always presented me with. It is as if this place knows me. Because every time I'm here it reminds me of the world just out of reach.

Its so calm and naked. So rich and saturated with warmth. With love. With all its answers that I don't possess.

Could I have this? Could I be this? Could I wake up, every morning, for the rest of my life to natures sweet song flooding my ears and senses? I want to say that it will be. "Gone this time, I'm really leaving." I want those to be my words.

Home is not home. Here is where love reaches out and wraps her arms around me.
So what is keeping me?! What prevents me frp, a new life I want to try?!
I am a stupid child. But I know when something has stolen my heart. And I know I have to get out. Away from the norm. I refuse to be like the rest that want what they'll never get to even taste. I want a taste of everything-A taste of this.
This would be a chance to see the other side. Teach me where I want to be. Look at local colleges. I refuse to live in that cold, poor town forever. I want to be the first to have the most. My goals are above those of past.

This will not become me.
This will not become me.
This will not become me.
This will not become me.
This will not become me.
This will not become me.

I lost a piece of myself yesterday.
I stood in the ocean, with dolphins ten feet away, with my first kiss tucked in my fist. And I talked of a lost cause.
I spoke with the boy who has the world at his feet, like me-but closer.
"I don't know how long its going to last." My words burnt my tongue like the hottest fire.
We jogged along the beach, found sand dollars together, spoke of the love we have found since each other and watched those dolphins play just in front of us while the sun set.
So cold...Our skin was numb. So alive...My soul was crying. So full of sorrow...Our faces reflected.

And the sun set on a piece of me. Like a gun shot in slow motion. Like a person who knows death is coming.
Like a girl who hurts herself when she knows she shouldn't.

I have never experienced beauty like yesterday. Only when that lovely girl sets her gray eyes apon me. I have never experienced such beauty...And I knew, I knew that my home wasn't my home. I knew that my future, no matter what was keeping me in the cold, was not where my mommy would want me.
And I see green when I look at him. I see green.
He must see gray when he looks at me- He must see gray.
Like a song. There are so many that speak this same story.

There is something big happening. I can feel it unfolding.
No matter the reason, any one that knows me knows how strong my emotions are. How strong my senses are.
And I can tell its coming. Maybe just my own making, maybe. But none the less- Something will happen on this trip. Or after this trip.
Change.
Oooooh! How it is standing on the tip of my tongue.
Dancing, awaiting its chance to pounce.
And my love, I am giving it a push.

Damn,
Don't you doubt me.

Hate Me

Current mood: disappointed

Hate me today,
Hate me tomorow,
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you.
Hate me in ways,
Always hard to swollow.
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you.

I'm tired of everything.
Ever feel that way? You've had plently sleep but you can't keep your heavy eye lids open. Your eyes burn and your body aches. But, oh no, not from physical stress. But from emotional stess.
"But now he lives inside some one he does not recognize. When he catches his reflection on accident."
So yeah...I'm a little hard around the edges. Forgive me?
A lot of pain and dissipointment has worn me into this.
I'm sorry to let you down...sorry I'm not who you want me to be. But after all of everything this year-I can't be the sorry, shy, sweet kid you met in the fall. I'm hurt. I'm broken. I'm scared.

Ok-all honesty. No more talking in code. Here goes...

I'm sick, as is fully completly done, with people walking all over me.
By you, I'm labled the jurk. "Rude". So why do I let everyone get away with the crap they do to me?! All the money that was never returned, all the crap I take from the people* at work, all the neglect I get from the people I care about most. Being stood up and pushed off a million times and still, STILL, after everything, running right back for me. I don't understand! I've been left alone by everyone this year. All the friends I had-gone. GONE. And I'm a bad guy-I'm rude.
* = bitch

Because I have to come begging you for a hug and a kiss and am dissapointed when I get pushed away. How does this work? Let me know.
Because I'm at my breaking point.

How much longer do I have to pretend? I know I deserve better than what I'm getting. And I'm not snobby for thinking that. I deserve more than what I'm not getting. All this that I want and I'll never see...


Fall is making me think of bundles of flowers on black leather in October snow. Making me think of a piano bench with two people on it. Making me think of sneaking my hand into anothers when we know its wrong. Making me think of the pouring rain I drenched myslef in. Making me think that I'm lonely...
I am lonely.
I am lonely.
I am lonely.

WHEN WILL YOU SEE IT?

You might feel in control of things..

But your not holding all the strings.

"I can't keep this all inside."

I think Staind said it best, when they wrote the following...

Can't you see that I'm sick of this?
Chances are you're oblivious
To how I feel
Sitting on your throne, and I'm sure that I'm not alone...

Tell me please.
Who the fuck did you want me to be?
Was it something that I couldn't see?
Never knew this would be so political
And please, I'm still wearing this miserable skin
And it's starting to tear from within
But it's obvious that doesn't bother you
So please

I didn't think that you'd sell me out
Now I know what you're all about
You might feel in control of things
But you're not holding all the strings

Tell me please.
Who the fuck did you want me to be?
Was it something that I couldn't see?
Never knew this would be so political
And please, I'm still wearing this miserable skin
And it's starting to tear from within
But it's obvious that doesn't matter to you

I've swallowed all you answers
I've swallowed all my pride
You've used up all your chances
Can't keep this all inside

Tell me please.
Who the fuck did you want me to be?
Was it something that I couldn't see?
Never knew this would be so political
And please, I'm still wearing this miserable skin
And it's starting to tear from within
But it's obvious that doesn't bother you
So please don't keep telling me that it's ok
I don't buy all the shit that you say
And quite honestly I'm fucking sick of it.
So please if I cut off this nose from my face
The I wouldn't feel so out of place
But it still wouldn't be quite enough for you
So please.