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| so much for thatremember all that happiness yesterday?
i love how sometimes in life cool shit like that is fleeting. and i know that only a couple of people will read this,
and you are probably one of them
if you find time to get on a computer.
so i'll use this to tell you some stuff
and at the same time to inform the others who
care enough to read this about whats going on in my life. i know i promised you that i'd be ok.
but im not sure that's a promise i can keep.
and i'm trying to trust you.
i want to believe it'll all be ok in the end.
but it's so hard to believe.
you said i did everything right
and that's part of why you want time off.
i don't understand that.
you say you want to spend the rest of your life with me.
but you need time to yourself right now.
i don't understand that. there's not a lot that i DO understand right now.
except that the best part of me just walked away.
and i no longer know what i'm doing. for those of you reading this... i'm sorry
but apparently you get to deal with emo Andy again for a while.
well... not really.
you probably won't have to deal with me.
cuz you probably won't see me a lot.
i just don't think i could handle it at this point.
i want you all to know that i love you.
each and every one of you.
and i always will. [edit] i'm sorry. for everything. | | |
| so... nothing.there's nothing real cool to post here.
im just bored. sorry... no new poetry or anything.
i'm not emo anymore.
so i'd rather sit around doing nothing than write.
but the good news is:
i love emerson blaine graves.
she makes me incredibly happy.
i can only hope that she won't realize how much better than me she is.
and how much better than me she could do.
because i can only hope this one will last forever.
[forever, and ever
let's make this last forever] and in other news...
i'm incredibly thankful for my friends.
i have some of the best friends
a guy could ask for.
Rachelface [the bestest best friend EVER!]
Kyle Wentz [bros before ho's]
Scotty Lotterman
Lucas Griswold [combined, Scott Luke and I make the
sweetest snowboarders and La Dispute groupies in Grand Rapids] and, of course, Emerson [my baby] the list could go on, but these are the most important. if you made it this far through this post, thanks.
you, too, probably should be on that list. peace, love, and power to the people. | | |
| through the window[so i was sitting in the euclid and i was incredibly bored so i asked kristen to give me an idea of something to write about. she told me to write about AIDS in africa... this is what i came up with. its less about AIDS and more an introspection on myself... but its here. let me know what you think... or not. whatever.]
I'm sitting here in this coffee shop
smoking a cigarette
drinking a Mexican blend
and it occurs to me:
I'm just wasting time.
yours, mine... everyone's.
There are things in this world that actually matter
Things I should care about.
Things I claim to care about.
But talk is cheap.
The 5 bucks i spent on this pack of Camels,
The buck twenty five on the coffee,
and every quarter I throw down for a refill...
It could all be used for something.
There are people in this world who are STARVING
I know because I can see them through the window.
There are people in this world with AIDS
I know because I see it on the news.
These are just two of the issues in the world
Two things I could do something about.
My money, my time... it could make a difference.
Instead I use it to get a short buzz.
I claim to want change
to want to make the world a better place
but all I give these people is my pity.
And I wonder:
What would they think?
If they could look through the window
and see me. See my laziness.
If they could truly comprehend my wealth
and the manner in which I squander it.
The thing of it is
these thoughts are not original.
Many before me have pondered these notions.
Hell, Ive been here before myself.
But does that change anything?
Do I take action to right my sloth?
No. Rather I choose to perpetuate
the indifference in my every day life.
And it begs the question:
Would it really make a difference?
Could I really change the world?
probably not...
but shouldn't I at least try?
[i contemplated leaving off the last three stanzas. ending it with "the manner in which i squander it. what do you think? do the last three really add anything to the overall effect? or would it be better off without them? i don't know... as kristen said, these thoughts came to my head for a reason. but should those thoughts stay in my head?
what do you think??]
| | |
| new writing...i'm just so confused...
what did i do to deserve this?
as far as i'm concerned it's bull shit.
i could understand if we were in Junior High
but we're not. we're 19.
WERE FUCKING ADULTS!!
you walked in here today and waved at me.
that's more acknowledgement than i've gotten from you
IN A FUCKING WEEK!
did i do something?
or say something?
do i really deserve to be treated this way?
i wouldn't care if you gave me a reason.
even a shitty reason.
at least i'd know.
i don't even know why i'm stressed about it.
you obviously don't care... why should i?
you should know that this just couldn't have come
at a worse time for me.
all i was looking for was a friend.
someone who loved and cared about me.
i just want to be able to trust people again.
but you go and pull this shit!
what am I supposed to think?
I just wish i wasn't so insecure sometimes.
I know this is all about you.
But somehow I still make it about me.
I JUST WANT TO BE OK!!
some of you probably already know what this was written about. i feel a lot better now that i wrote it. i dont think its really even going to bother me anymore. and that makes me happy.
| | |
|  | Currently Watching
Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind (Widescreen Edition)
By Jim Carrey, Kate Winslet, Gerry Robert Byrne, Elijah Wood, Thomas Jay Ryan, Mark Ruffalo, Jane Adams (II), David Cross (II), Kirsten Dunst, Tom Wilkinson, Ryan Whitney, Debbon Ayer, Amir Ali Said, Brian Price (IV), Paul Litowsky, Josh Flitter, Lola Daehler, Deirdre O'Connell, Lauren Adler
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SuRRouNDeD all around me, bodies lay scattered
the faces of the fallen twisted
unrecognizable in their pain
this is the battleground
of the ages
many have come to fight
everyone tries at one point or another
many have come; most have failed
those who survive lead twisted, empty lives
those who don't lie here a few succeed
and it's their stories that keep us coming back
but at what cost? is the cause really worth the casualties?
or have we again been lead blindly into an unwinnable war?
would i be better off at home?
sitting in front of the television
oblivious of the pain, suffering, and loss.
there i would be safe.
but what kind of life would that be?
safe at home i could never get a taste of heaven*
so here i am. Surrounded
by my fallen bretheren
who chose the same as i did
who chose to stay and fight
for You
for Love
and i mean to go out with both my guns blazin'.
*here i use the Spill Canvas' definition of heaven from their song "The Tide" off their album Sunsets & Car Crashes: "Heaven's not a place that you go when you die; it's that moment in life when you actually feel alive." | | |
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