I'm sorry. I'm not sure I can do this anymore.

So goodbye for now.

I love you all dearly.

Thank you for journeying with me thus far.

"Moving on is simple; It's what you leave behind that's difficult."

 I leave you with this poem I wrote for someone:

FOR YOU

I know how much you're hurting
Even when you try to hide the pain
I've been there myself enough times to recognize the signs
The sound of your voice filled with traces of sorrow and anger
The conversation somewhat stilted and uncertain
You hide your tears with smiles and subject changes
Desperately wanting another life
Or at least a different circumstance

Please realize there is beauty beyond destruction
Reconciliation for the betrayal you feel
Forgiveness like an endless, cleansing sea
Unimaginable restoration

Embrace the future
Desire the unseen, the unknown
Live in the light of eternity
Temporary is the here and now

Now I need to heed my own words.

Currently Playing Christmas Portrait By The Carpenters see related

CURRENTLY FEELING: apathetic

Just got back from Starbucks where I was able to catch up on some stuff for work tomorrow. I was accompanied by my laptop, cell phone, and an iced-soy-Tazo chai. As I was sitting there all by my lonesome I thought to myself: Self, you don't have any friends around here. It was such an epiphany for me...and an unhappy one at that.  Seriously, there is no one I can go out with for coffee, or a movie much less shopping or just a person to chill with.
Well, there is this one girl but we're not really close so we don't hang out that often. Bleh. A sorry state of affairs indeed.

Although I have all of you terrific friends out here on xanga, I want to feel someone's presence-to be in the company of people in the same room as me.I really want friends though...tangible people I can talk to and laugh/cry with. That's not to say that I no friends at all! I do, but they are in different states and I only communicate with them over IM, email and phone calls...no face to face encounters. I miss them so much that it hurts my heart...and don't get me started on missing people!

::sniff sniff::

I just want friend over here to share stuff with...but it seems like too much to ask. I know that I haven't been going out of my way to be a friend to anyone-and I should. It's like that old adage says, "In order to have friends, you must be a friend." Or something to that extent. Anyway I'm lonely and I have so many things bottled up inside that I know I need to let out...to let go of. More importantly I need to give it up to God once and for all. Better yet I need to come back to Him because I've wandered off yet again. I've spent more time dwelling on things I shouldn't be dwelling on and doing what I know I shouldn't be doing...and yet I desire to do good (Hmmm, think there are any similarities to Paul's struggles here?)! But what I do is the exact opposite of what needs to be done...

*sighs* 

  Oh dear.

^ I guess that's why I'm listening to Christmas music when there are no Christamas trees or manger scenes around. I'm wishing for familiar times when life was uncomplicated and days went by at a less-hurried pace.

Dag yo. That's alot of what I call emotional bulimia: You keep a toxic amount of stuff to yourself so you feel this sudden urge to let it out...flush it out of your system...but you know it will be back. The seemingly endless cycle continues and you're back to where you thought you'd never be again. How does the urge go away completely?! Does it ever?

I used to think it would. I'm not so sure anymore.

CURRENTLY FEELING:  useless

I accomplished absolutely nothing today aside from the fact that I dragged myself out of bed and somehow made it to work on time. Other than that I ate too much junk food, didn't exercise, and took a long nap--all feeble attempts at escapism...

*shrugs*

Hauntingly vivid, realistic dreams have been disturbing me these past couple of nights. I wake up completely exhausted and confused...a surreal hangover, you might call it. I haven't had a drink in months so that rules out a drinking problem and I've been good about my pill-poppin'...as in I haven't been much. I'm too tired to do anything about my general malaise. Ugh, all I know is that I'm lethargic and dreary most of the time. This has got to go.

On a brighter note, my mom apologized to me for the roach incident and we're on good terms now. And speaking of good terms, my parents are talking like normal (well as "normal" as they've always been) people once more. So we're all back to our usual state of dysfunction--er...um...I mean normalcy.

G'nite to all. I'll get to reading everyone's posts tomorrow...right now I'm going to hit the hay and try not to think about (try being the operative word here) the problems plaguing me.

I HATE cockroaches.

Here's my roach-related trauma tonight: I'm in the garage with the car, getting ready to start the engine, when lo and behold this detestable creature (the big, flying kind) scurries out of the shadows...and darts into the car. So there he is, crawling around, dangerously close to my hands which are poised on the steering wheel. So I screamed like the girl that I am and bolted from the driver's seat faster than you could say, "Raid please." I then proceeded to jump around the garage while wildly flailing my arms and gasping for air. I'm terrified of roaches and this just added to my fear and loathing of those creepy abominations.

*shudders*

My dad heard the ruckus I was making outside and came out of the house to investigate. When I not-so-calmly told him of about my roach rendezvous, he sighed and quietly trotted back to the house...leaving me in a blubbering frenzy. My mom was in the car with me when this all happened, by the way, and she unflinchingly balled up a wad of papers from her purse and proceeded to pummel the dashboard with aplomb...very disturbing. I was still cowering and making incoherent babble, but my mom was pissed off. She was mad at me for yelling (apparently I scared her terribly and sent her already high blood pressure even higher) and for being ridiculously frightened of such a harmless insect.

Angry, fighting words were exchanged and hurtful comments ensued when she ordered me to get in the car (she doesn't drive at all...she's not allowed) so that she could pick up some stuff from her workplace. The drive is only about 5 minutes from our house, but it seemed like an eternity. The roach resurfaced somehow even though I was sure my mom had scared him off before I got back in the car. I almost hit everything in front of me because I was so startled to see him again...plus it was rainy so the roads were extra slippery. Thank God I didn't get into an accident! I was incredibly freaked out and was starting to whimper like a baby. Plus the fact that my mom was quoting verses on fear at me didn't help...I felt like saying, "Um, You know what? Context is key."

*sighs*

So finally we get back home in one piece and I just about lost it with her. But I didn't. I ended up crying to myself while researching on the web ways to kill roaches.

It was a sad, sad evening in more ways than one.

My mom and I aren't speaking (and my mom and dad haven't been communicating with each other much lately), I now think I will encounter roaches in my dreams, and my Saturday night was absolutely pathetic...with a capital ICK.

And I STILL hate cockroaches.

Falling                                                                            expectations
         down                                                                 the
                deeper                                              above
                         into                                    rise
                              myself                        to 
                                       while struggling

To whom it may concern:

I would like to apologize for not commenting on your site lately, but I've been thinking about you, and am grateful for your support and concern. I've taken some time off from xanga and will continue to do so for a few more days...nothing permanent though. I'll try to explain it more when I can get back to regular posting-mode (whenever that will be). Please take care of yourself and live life as fully as you possibly can.

"Surviving is easy...living is the hard part"