Keeping a relationship ALIVE10 Surprising Ways to Increase Romance
Sabrina Beasley
Believe it or not, these small changes can amplify your feelings of love without mood lighting or lingerie. Romance is an interesting word. It conjures up all kinds of thoughts for both men and women: candlelight, soft music, longing looks. Some might even think of a walk in the park or a bike ride together. But no matter how you see it, romance is really the act of wooing one another; it's a longing to be with someone and acting in such a way that makes that person desire to be with you. For many couples, romance is easy before marriage—there were no kids to distract, no pressures of finances to fight over, no annoying habits to live with. After marriage, these things start to eat away at your longing to be with your spouse. Desire is a key part of romance, so the act of wooing doesn't work very well if there is none. Perhaps you've grown distant in your relationship and you spend more time with friends and the children than you do with each other. These 10 ideas will help bring back the desire you enjoyed as a couple early on in your relationship. But they have nothing to do with mood lighting or lingerie. These suggestions will give you back the romance you've lost by making your character more attracted (and attractive) to your spouse. 1. Communicate. As simple as it seems, you need to talk to each other. You may be thinking, "But I talk to my spouse all the time." I'm not talking about discussing family business. When I say "talk" I mean dream together, share your thoughts, expose your feelings instead of keeping them to yourself. It's important to turn off the television or put down that magazine and look into each other's eyes while you converse. Really listen and understand. If your spouse is distracted, then ask him or her for 10-15 minutes when possible just to catch up. If you do this regularly, you will start to see your spouse with depth and color. You'll begin to appreciate his or her ambitions and desires. You may think you couldn't possibly learn anything new about your spouse, but husbands and wives are humans who change and grow. What are the ways your spouse has grown lately? What new things has he or she learned? Why not find out? It will be the best 10-15 minutes of your day. 2. Keep short accounts and extend forgiveness regularly. Nothing will ruin a desire to be with your spouse faster than resentment and bitterness. In return, it also ruins your spouse's desire to be with you. Fights are going to happen in marriage; there's no way around it. But you can choose to handle these conflicts in the right way and build up your marriage instead of tear it down. In Ephesians 4:31-32, the apostle Paul exhorts, "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." We have the power to forgive because Christ forgave us, and He gives us strength through the Holy Spirit. As you let go of harbored hurts, you will be free to love your spouse, no matter how many mistakes he or she has made. And as a result your mate will love you even more. 3. Live selflessly. As followers of Christ, we are called to be servants (Galatians 5:13). This not only applies to the church body and our neighbors, but it also applies in marriage. Since we live so closely to our husbands and wives, it's easy to forget that we are called to serve them as much as anyone else. As a matter of fact, your spouse may be the most important person in your life (other than Christ) to serve. As you put your husband's or wife's needs above your own, you will find that you argue less, feel sorry for yourself less; your children will be more secure and happy; and you will find greater fulfillment as you watch your spouse enjoy the fruits of your kindness. Jesus said if you want to be great, you must be the servant of all (Mark 10:43). 4. Use words of affirmation regularly. The tongue is a powerful tool. James 3:6 tells us that the tongue has the ability to defile the whole body and set on fire the course of a man's life. In the same way, a critical attitude can make or break a marriage. Instead of pointing out all of the ways your spouse regularly disappoints you, start to look for the positive attributes. Take the opportunity to express your heartfelt appreciation. By giving a little praise, more of your mate's good qualities will stand out, and in addition, you will find your spouse's heart growing larger toward you as he or she feels more appreciated and adored. 5. Never stop saying, "I love you." A woman at one of FamilyLife's Weekend to Remember® marriage conferences was ecstatic because her husband told her, "I love you." This couple had been married more than 25 years, and the last time that phrase left his lips was on their wedding day. "I told her once," her husband said. "I figured that was enough." The words "I love you" never grow old—your wife or husband needs to hear them regularly, especially when you've had a fight or he or she has disappointed you in some way. 6. Laugh together. Marriage isn't just a business deal. You have the opportunity to be best friends if you're willing to invest in the relationship. Do you remember all the fun things you did together when you were dating? Stop reminiscing about those memories from the past and create some new ones. Proverbs 17:22 says, "A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones." Play games with other couples and be on the same team. Watch a comedy together, and then go have ice cream after the show. Turn off the TV and tell your favorite jokes. If you're ready for a change in your marriage, make room for a little laughter in your schedule. 7. Tame your thoughts. I've heard it said that the most sexual organ in the body is the mind. If your mind isn't in the mood for love, then nothing will be. Women especially have a difficult time enjoying sexual intercourse if they are emotionally unprepared. Even men will find it hard to enjoy if they feel emotionally detached from their spouses. The cure is to control your thought processes. Women, while you are intimate with your husband, think of him, not your laundry or the things you have to do the next day. Men, don't think of sex as a purely physical event. Talk to your wife; think of her and not the models you saw in television commercials earlier. As a Christian, the Holy Spirit gives you the ability to control your thoughts, so choose to have thoughts that uplift and focus on your spouse. 8. Pray together. Spiritual intimacy is more important than physical intimacy. Many couples have regular sexual activity, but are not intimate—they miss out on the soul, the person your spouse is underneath the flesh. Christ is the bond that makes marriages strong and sturdy. By praying together, you begin to have a deeper respect and admiration for each other spiritually. When the spiritual part of a relationship is sturdy and strong, that lays the foundation for a healthy physical intimacy. For more information on this topic, order Two Hearts Praying as One by Dennis and Barbara Rainey. 9. Check your expectations. If you find that your spouse is continually disappointing you, it may not be his or her actions; it may be your expectations. Everyone comes into marriage with a set of unspoken rules about life. "Husbands should always …" and "Wives should always … ." These rules are based on conclusions we've made watching our own parents and other couples that we admire. There is nothing wrong with goals and objectives, but it isn't fair to create unspoken expectations for your spouse and then get annoyed when they aren't followed. If you will stop assuming and start communicating, you'll become less irritated and a lot more in love with your mate. 10. Never say the word "divorce." Marriage is a covenant that is made to last until death. That may be hard to believe in a culture where divorce is commonplace, but the Word of God is very serious about the promise of vows between man and wife (Matthew 19:3-9). The Five Romantic Needs of a Woman
Dennis Rainey
I’m sure it comes as no shock, but men and women think of romance differently. When asked to describe the purpose of romance, a woman will use words such as friendship, relationship, endearment, and tenderness. Given the same question, a man will answer with one of the shortest words in the English language—sex. For him, physical oneness and affirmation of his manhood equal romance. Can two people with such different perspectives have their expectations met? Absolutely! But creating adventurous romance requires planning and enthusiastic effort. The relationship has to be a top priority. One reason so many marriage beds are frozen over or boring is that couples just don’t have time for romance and sex. Too many husbands and wives try to work sex in between the evening news and the top ten list on the David Letterman Show. Let’s face it. Many of our activities and other important things get the best of our resources and energy. Jobs get our best. Children get our best. Church work gets our best. But are we saving any of our best for romance in marriage? When we had children at home, Barbara and I worked hard to save some of our best for each other. Our children learned over the years that Mom and Dad often like to have quiet evenings alone. When the children were younger, we occasionally turned the kitchen into a famous big-time restaurant called the Rainey Rainbow Room and let each child order a special meal from a special menu. Barbara and I served as chef and waiter, and the kids had a great time learning a little bit about how to eat out. Later in the evening, they knew they were to go to their rooms and stay there, not coming out for anything except bathroom runs. At 8 p.m., Barbara and I turned our bedroom into our own romantic cafe, complete with a small table, candles, and flowers (when I remembered to pick them up). There we would eat, talk, and relax. As we communicated, we were reminded of what attracted us to each other, and romance had an opportunity to ignite. We didn’t have to worry about a baby-sitter and didn’t have to leave the house to get away alone. To make anything like this work, you must schedule it and then take the time to follow through. If I have learned anything in marriage, it is that romance, our relationship, and sex take time. And they deserve our best. I have spent the better part of my marriage learning and adjusting this summary of a woman’s romantic needs. The list was developed through much observation and conversation with Barbara and other women. I also have learned a great amount from the best book ever written on romance, passion, and sex—the Song of Songs in the Old Testament. Obviously, a woman has more than five romantic needs, but I consider these to be the top five:
Romantic Need #1: To Be Spiritually Ministered to by Her Man
Are you surprised that something to do with candy and flowers isn’t number one? A woman wants a man eager to be her protector, someone who cares not just about her security and physical needs but also (and even more importantly) about her spirituality, the well-being of her very soul. A husband can be a spiritual protector and advocate for his wife by praying with and for her daily, putting his arms around her, and saying, “I want to ask God to bless you. I want to take any needs you have in your life right now to the Lord. And I’m going to pray for you throughout this day.” A wise husband takes the lead in sharing Scripture and eagerly initiating conversation on spiritual issues. A husband can contribute to his wife’s spiritual well-being by giving her some time to pursue her spiritual growth. For example, he might watch their child while she attends an evening Bible study. I suggest that every young husband who wants to better understand his wife and his job description should read my friend and colleague Bob Lepine’s book The Christian Husband.
Romantic Need #2: To Feel Safe and Secure with Her Husband
A woman needs to feel her husband’s covenantal commitment to stay married and to love her and accept her. Then she feels safe to give him the gift of who she is in the marriage relationship. The Shulammite woman, who was the object of Solomon’s passion, said, “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine” (Song 6:3). She obviously had a strong sense of contentment and security. A wife needs to know that romantic intimacy is just between her and her husband, that he will not share any personal details with his friends. She should not feel pressured or fearful, experiencing the love that casts out all fear (1 John 4:18).
Romantic Need #3: To Share Intimate Conversation
According to something I read recently, the typical couple spends only four minutes a day in meaningful conversation with each other. A lot of us husbands don’t realize that for our wives to consider us romantic, we first of all have to be a great friend and a conversationalist. Grunts and one-word answers to questions just don’t cut it! Too many women don’t feel that their husbands really need them, and bare-bones conversation confirms their sense of low personal value. Many men who were accomplished at romantic, deep conversation during courtship seem to lose this talent later. You can rediscover the groove! Make a commitment to learn to make intimate conversation a priority with your wife. You need to talk and fill her in on the details of your life—not just facts, but feelings. When a husband sincerely shows his desire for conversation and a deepening relationship—emotional intimacy—he will find that his wife is much more interested in sexual intimacy. Her dreams, hopes, desires, and disappointments then are not divorced from the marriage bed but are a part of it.
Romantic Need #4: To receive a Tender Touch and Hear Gentle Words Before marriage, two people in love can hardly keep their hands off each other because they find the touch of their beloved thrilling. What happens after the wedding? Some couples married for a while would find a firm handshake a wildly intimate encounter. This should not be the case in a marriage. There is great power in tender touch, even if it’s just a long, full-body hug or a lingering kiss. Or the touch may be a gentle caress of her face that has no motive to make sexual demands but communicates, “I love you, Sweetheart, and I care for you tenderly.” Gentle words have similar power. I have made a partial list of some things that I think any husband could use in complimenting and praising his wife: charm; femininity; faithfulness to God, you, your children; hard work; beauty; personality; her love, including her receptivity and responsiveness to you as a man; her advice and counsel; character; desirability; friendship and—that’s just a start. What wife won’t respond to a husband who praises her regularly with gentle words for all these qualities?
Romantic Need #5: To Be Pursued and Set Apart by Her Man
A wife wants a husband who will swoop her off her feet, carry her away to the castle, and say, “Let’s spend time together.” Focused attention is like precious gold in a relationship. One time Barbara and I had a little unresolved argument over a weekend. A couple of days later we went on our customary weekly date. We finally had the time and environment to fully discuss and resolve our differences. It was just several hours away from phones, papers and bills, and the needs of our children. Your wife craves this focused attention from you. | 
