Jews, Niggers, Compassion, Arguments

So I ended up fighting with Sarah over Ethan calling some black kid a nigger, which really pissed me off.  It sparked an argument between Ms. Parker and I, where I questioned her authenticity as a liberal, and she questioned my authenticity as a friend.  It made me want a cigarette.  But then again, existence tends to have that effect on me. 

Our argument over the PC-ness of Ethan's use of the word "nigger" ended up being an argument about whether or not rich Jews can be compassionate towards less fortunate goyem; whether or not rich people in general can be more compassionate than poor people; whether or not Sarah and I can continue to be friends.  So yeah.  I don't know.  I am so prone to snapping on that girl and attacking her character and telling her why she's so terrible, when in all reality, she's just doing the best she can in any given situation, like anybody else.  And she's doing a damn good job of doing the best she can.  I mean...3.7 GPA, decent boyfriend, decent relationship with mother, hair auditions, great psat scores, healthy(ier than mine) sleeping schedule, etc etc etc...and then she's got some fucked up friends.  Like me, always attacking her for doing her best, and for trying to do her part.  I don't know.  She pisses me off sometimes, but it's not like I never piss her off.  The only diff is, she never attacks the essence of my character.  I dunno.  It's not because she's better than more and not because she's more mature than me, but because we approach things differently.  Me, aggresively, her, passively.  So yeah.  Hmm.

And I've been fighting with my mother lately like it's no one's fucking business.  I want an iPod.  She thinks they're impractical.  She wants me to go to school.  I want to sleep.  She wants me to get out of the bathroom and stop applying make up.  I want her to lose weight. It all works.  So we fight about all those, then the basics, like "Do your chores!" and "Stop calling your brother a dirty Mexican!" and "You're such an ungreatful little bitch, get out of my house! Don't you have somewhere you can go?" ME: "FUCK YOU, I LIVE HERE TOO!"

And it's the same thing with my mum as with Sarah: she's doing the best she can in the given situation.  Nothing more, nothing less.  I ought to cut her some slack.  Maybe I'll do the dishes and wake up for school on time.  (doubtful...it's 1:36 a.m and i am farrrr from tired.)

Aaaand that's it.  Friday is my 30 days clean & sober.  OMG!  *dies of excitement*  But NONE of my friends are goign to be in town!  By which I mean...Melissa and Kayla are going to be out of town!  :(  But I have other friends, obviously.  They're just ... idk. They came to mind right away.  Also, I bet others of my friends are leaving.  Which is depressing.  NOBODY LOVES ME! :(  Haha jk.

And uhh....that's it!  Off to try and make sense of thoughts/make them into poetry!  G'bai!

Basically, there's this:

I'M SICK OF PEOPLE BEING BETTER AT EVERYTHING THAN I AM!  Ariel got Winston to canter around the arena.  Which, okay, so I saw him trotting and I was like, "Cool, I can get him to trot around the arena too."   But then...he like...broke into a canter and I just pursed my lips and tried not to cry...I ended up throwing down her bit and storming out of the arena, tears pouring out of my eyes like a fucking leaking faucet. I was so pissed.

This morning, I stormed out of Sarah's house after yelling at her about how selfish she was.

Then Carolyn called me and told me to get over it and go riding with them.  So I did.

Then Ariel was more competent than I was...fancy that...and we ate a bunch of Chipotle....and I...yep.  Ate it.  It was tasty.

So...people are better at everythign than I am.  Can I have a talent that no one else is better at, please?  Thank you.

Love,
Ani

PEASE ACADEMY!

First hour: Check-in with the entire school.  Name, sobriety date, high of the weekend and low of the weekend.  Apparently, that's only on Mondays though and the rest of the week we have PST (peer support team) for first hour.  What we do there, I have nooo idea.

Second Hour: World history.  They're on Rome right now...snorreee.  I've done Rome how many times?  So yea.  Idk.  My teacher,  Mike, has "Life" in Hebrew tattooed on his arm, and other tattooes as well.  He gave me and Paulie, another new girl, some assigned readings and homework.  Fun.  (Actually, it is.  I haven't had homework in so fucking long!!)

Third Hour: Algebra.  For the fucking 1,000000th time.  I GET the concepts just fine, it's just that I never pass the stupid fuckign class because I don't do homework.  Anyway.  I start crying and leave to go talk to the CD councelor because I'm like "I haven't done math sober since like....9th grade!!!" So we talked.

Fourth Hour: American history.  We start watching the Academy Award winning flick the Grapes of Wrath.  Personally, I'd rather read it, but given the nature of the school...

LUNCH!  Audrey, a girl from Alateen and way back when, and I go to Burrito Loco where I order vegan tacos and talk to a high employee about AA.

Fifth hour: English.  Fucking joke.

Sixth hour: Sobriety Support Group.  We talk about where we're at in the 12 Steps, etc., and what the community can do to further you along in your recovery.  It's nice.

But my sixth hour tomorrow is, I think, Current Events or something...idk...something like that.  So I'll have a new report tomorrow!

People I Already Know that Go There:

1. Audrey - Alateen. REPRESENT!
2. Beth - Treatment. REPRESENT!
3. Riley - Meetings. REPRESENT!

...and Lauren went there the last time I talked to her, but that was like a month and a half ago, and we haven't spoken since, and she wasn't there today.  So she probably doesn't go there anymore, or at least wasn't there today.

LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU GUYS!

Pease Academy?

I'm starting there on Monday!  I already know some kids that go there, just from going to meetings and stuff, so it should be fun.

Also, none of my friends and I are in a good place, apparently.  Where have I been?  I thought we were.

I should be riding today, but it's fuckin cold.  So fuck that.  Sorry Winnie baby, I love you, but I also love my health.

And I have a gigantic pimple on my nose.  Not that horses care, but I don't want to go in public with a gigantic pimple on my nose with no cover up.

Time for showering, etc.