regret. it's a shitty thing to live with. people regret things as little as not buying the top they wanted that day to something as big as marrying someone. i have regrets about things.... words i've said to people in a fight, choices i've made in the past. i don't know anyone who hasn't had a regret about something. if you say you don't, you just be lieing. cause everyone used the phrase.... "damn, i should've....". some things you screw up is so major that you could never fix it again. there isn't a glue strong enough to put the peices back together. but you wish so hard to find such a glue, that when you can't find it, all you've got is hope. but even hope at times isn't strong enough that you just break down and cry. you break down in a state that nothing else matters but dreaming, wishing, hoping and wondering if you'll ever find that glue. regret is the worst feeling in the world. thinking "what if...." is the worst thought that could cross your mind. but we constantly do it and we constantly feel it. nothing can stop it and no one can say they haven't.
i regret.... many things. i regret eating mcdonalds this morning and not waking up early enough to make something to eat. then i would have more money to spend on necessary things. the bigger things i refuse to mention. way too personal and too long to explain. but i wish and dream all the time. hope is fading, but it's still there. time will tell, but how much time needs to go by?
cara elise ragragola
=050505=
happy boys day to all the boys out there! especially my prince romeo. i got him a huge baby blue ball for him to play with along with maracas that light up when you shake it and a xylohphone/piano thing that he can hit with a stick and play to make music. i hope all you boys out there had a great day and something special to remember it by. girls can never live without boys! the world just wouldn't be the same.
happy cinquo de mayo!did i spell that correctly? anywho.... independence is a wonderful thing. good for you to all those people who celebrate it. it's a proud day for your culture. party on!
i'm just bored and don't have anything to do. i can't fall asleep so i'm finding things to write about other than my true feelings. i need to keep myself occupied with things that make me smile. so on i go. today was a nice a sunny day. it was fricken hot. i had fun at work, especially the people that i worked with today. chase, kui, soretta and ipo.... you rocked and made work so fun today. though i usually have fun at work no matter who i work with.... today just seemed a lot happier. thanks tim for the awesome review i got today. i got all A's (above average) on all the things that us jamba employees get graded on. therefore, i got a raise!!! yay! more money. chee hee. more things i can get for my son. he's growing so fast and amazes me everyday. today he threw his first tantrum. i need to set up his pool again so that when he starts crying, i just stick him in the pool and he'll instantly stop and start having fun. or i could just go over to kamilah's house and swim in her new pool and jacuzi.... girl, i be over your house every hot day of the summer and every cold day of the winter. thanks for today. it was hella fun! today me, prince, kamilah, lika, and devaughn went to genki sushi.... some good shit. prince ate a lot of sushi and he liked it too. you should have seen his hair.... he kept putting all the rice in his hair. hahaha. the floor was super messy too. rice all over. then we had ice cream after.... mmmm.... chocolate chip cookie dough. i was craving that for a while. prince liked it too. but i actually only gave him the vanilla ice cream part of it.... he didn't get to eat the chocolate chips or the chunks of dough. later on though. oh, and the OC.... two new episodes in one night. 2 good hours of awesome tv. can't beat that. some juicy shit them producers be whipping up. they got me hooked. i be waiting till next thursday to see the next episode. kinda like how i was with friends. damn i miss that show. i can watch the reruns every day. i wish i had the extra money to get all ten seasons. damn, i want it so bad. but it's like fricken 40 bucks for one season or something. anywho.... my hands are getting tired and i have to go to sleep.i have a long day tomorrow. and i know it's going to tire me the fuck out! so i will be back when i can. until then, take care be safe and always smile. thanks for reading this until the end. shows how much you care. i won't forget it. but don't forget to leave a comment! aight then. peace!
~~~10 REALLY random things about me:~~~~ 1) i love someone that changed into someone i don't know 2) it's weird, but i hope to win his heart everyday 3) i love unicorns 4) i have a short temper 5) i want to remember what perfection feels like 6) i'm skinny, but i love to eat. 7) i sometimes feel like i'm crying but there is no tears 8) i'm lonely 9) i just got a new phone, so i'm into "souping" it up 10) i'm a hopeless romantic
~~~9 ways to win my heart:~~~ 1) respect and care about me 2) smile and laugh 3) miss me 4) amaze me 5) tell me jokes 6) kiss me passionately 7) hug me like there's no tomorrow 8) take a risk 9) know how to work it
~~~8 things keeping me alive~~~ 1) Prince Romeo Ka'ua'ali'imoe'uhane Sarcedo 2) the moon and stars 3) family and friends 4) random people i see who are happy 5) phone calls i recieve 6) the rain 7) myspace messages 8) hope
~~~7 things that annoy me:~~~ 1) when people assume 2) being alone, when i have no one to turn to 3) people who's scared to take risks 4) when i can't finish what i want to say 5) when i get hung up on 6) stupid drivers 7) really bad body odor
~~~6 things i want to do before i die:~~~ 1) meet my soulmate and have a perfect family 2) own a house w/ more rooms than we actually need with a special garage for the boat. 3) go to africa 4) own a husky and a pit bull 5) visit every theme park with awesome roller coasters and ride every ride possible 6) be famous
~~~4 confessions:~~~ 1) i have no pubes.... and it's not because i haven't developed. 2) from k-2nd grade, i was sent to the principal's office practically every day. 3) i wish i was beautiful inside and out, had decent sized boobs, and a perky ass 4) everything about my king i had on my page before was a lie. just the thought of loving someone and having someone is enough to get me by.
~~~3 things i do everyday:~~~ 1) play with prince 2) groom myself 3) hope to amaze someone
~~~2 things I'm afraid of:~~~ 1) losing the ones i love 2) not having anyone to grow old with
~~~~1 last thing...~~~ 1. if you're here, you've made it to the end. thank you, very much appreciated. i hope to bring a smile upon your face as you've done for me.
if i knew tomorrow would be the last time i'd see you, i honestly don't
know what i would do. one part of me wouldn't even be enjoying the day
because it's hard to enjoy something when you know that in the end will
just come pain. it's hard to enjoy sleeping when you know the alarm
will go off in five minutes. i wouldn't want to have fun and let loose
because saying goodbye to someone you've just had a perfect day with
isn't the easiest thing to do. now if you had a kind of shitty, not to
important time with someon, it'd be easier to say goodbye to them. but
then again, the other part of me won't take any second for granted and
will remember every move, gesture, pitch of voice, joke, story, and
smile you've shown the whole time we'd spend together. i'd want to hold
you close and never let you go to remember how the warmth of your body
makes everything dissapear, stare into your eyes so i can remember what
it feels like to tingle in the inside from just the beauty of your
eyes, i would want you to tell me as much jokes as you can come up with
and know to remember how much you can make me laugh, i'd want to hear
every story you've told me and the ones you haven't come across yet to
remember how we could talk about anything at anytime, i would want to
sit in silence and stare at the stars to remember how silence always
did make me feel closer to you and to remember how jealous the stars
would be from the presence of your beauty, i would want to explore you
to remember how amazing you are and how much you amaze me, i would want
to take many pictures to remember how happy we used to be and how we'd
love the picture no matter how we looked because it was a picture of
you and me, i would want to watch the sunset and sunrise to remember
how perfect our little world is, and finally i would kiss you as many
times i could to remember how just the touch of your lucious lips could
make me weak at the knees. if i knew tomorrow would be the last time,
ever, i'd show you in every way possible how much i loved you and how
much i still do.
it seems that no matter how bad things may be, january 14th, i still stop and think, daydream and riminisce. think about how things were and how this very day changed my life forever. today marks another year. it used to be another year of endless love, romance and perfection. now it's basically just a memory and another year of the past. i do remember all the great things that today has brought into my life, but the feeling of pain, regret and failure is much too strong to ignore.
i remember when we first met. it was at zippy's. i remember how i couldn't shut up about how handsome i thought you were when i seen you pass by. i couldn't stop wishing for the courage to go over to where you were and spark a conversation. i was hoping that you'd think i was cute enough to aproach as well. of course, i was too shy, so my friend started the conversation for me. when we finally met, i was so nervous and felt to honored to get a chance to talk to someone so beautiful, it was hard to look you straight in the eye. the next day as i talked to you on the phone, we just talked about anything and everything. i felt like we talked about our whole lives just in those few hours.... it was a forever conversation. we clicked so well that we couldn't bare to wait any longer to see each other again, so we made our first date later that night to go see a movie at the mililani theatres. we were almost late for our movie because the conversation was too strong to end. we spent a beautiful night under the stars with a touch of the misty rain, holding, kissing and just being close to one another. from that day on everything seemed perfect. there were so many pictures you took of us, so many places you brought me to, and so many beautiful memories and moments i'd give anything to experience again. you were my everything and i was your princess.... your queen. you wrote poems for me, sang to me, thought of any reason to give me a kiss, a hug, a present and a phone call. if your car broke down, you would catch the bus to come and see me. money was never an issue. i was your sun and you were my moon. everything in my world changed. i began to see things in different ways, see the big picture, you've managed to find my seventh scent and put it to work.
but of course things took a turn for the worst. obviously not completely all at once. we still felt a spark here and there, wanted to celebrate days of memory and didn't completely forget the sweetness. nothing really changed, just the fact that we weren't officially together. this went on for a while until questions of the future spoke aloud. then possession, jealousy, lies and anger came into the picture, pulling us more and more apart. but we still managed to feel those beautiful moments and experience those spontaneous getaways. i was your best friend at one point. you told me everything. it then felt so right again. you said you couldn't ever marry someone unless she was your best friend, and i really thought that that was gonna be me. we cheated with eachother. i wanted more from this relationship and you couldn't give me more. for some reason, i didn't deserve it. this was the turning point. since then we've been drifting. yes, we did share some beautiful moments and memories until now, one of which leading to our prince. and now we are continuously battling. having nothing in common anymore, different morals and different paths in life. i did stop and wonder why i even think twice about today and remember the tears that were shed. i sometimes feel that i can't remember anyone who makes me feel the way you do, and that's not a good thing. i sometimes get so angry that i blurt things out, like.... "Thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love." and even the more harsher ones.... "i fucken hate you!" but i don't forget the great words that were spoken or the beautiful memories that were shared. i wish i could so i could get over you much quicker, but like they say, great memories stick with you. it sucks that those great memories need to be lost to learn, but then again it's those memories that teach you to "take a risk, take a chance, make a change...."
i wish i could make you vanish, disappear. i wish i could erase you from my life the moment i cried a sad tear. i hate the way i feel about you. i hate that my heart is the same color from the first night i met you. i hate that my feelings are wrong. i hate that my heart has a mind of it's own. i hate that no matter what i do, it always seems to remind me of you. i hate that i'm forced to try and feel something new. i hate that i'm told what i should feel. i hate that i'm supposed to take a different road without questioning if i'm going the wrong way. i hate that i'm supposed to make a sharp left turn without crashing. i hate the arrangement and rules that was set for me. i hate that no one cares enough to listen. i hate that no one will lift a finger to deflate my balloon. i hate that i'm overlooked. i hate the way you look at me. i hate that a growth of a relationship/friendship will never exist. i hate that a straight line ahead is all i see. i hate the situation i'm in. i hate that i'm not strong enough to get myself out. i hate that my heart isn't strong enough to change colors. i hate that my feelings still whisper with the same wind path. i hate that i still look at the same stars. i hate that i still wish upon the same rainbow. i hate that i still look for the same signs. i hate that i cry the same tears. i mostly hate that i still love you.
why can't my heart do what my mind tells it?
-cara elise ragragola
Christmas 2004
Prince with Santa Clause. Taken in Kaua'i.
Prince and Me.
I know they look the same, but they're not.
That's all the holiday pics we took. Hope you like them. Hope you all had a very merry christmas. Please have a safe new year. Drink responsibly, arrive alive. -Cara and Prince
