I was once a little girl who does not know anything at all..  I faced the world without knowing who my real father is..  that was my real problem.. it really hurts to know that the father you’ve been close to is not your real father.. this is not by date.. I just wanted to share everything..

I was a rebel.. at the age of 12 or 13.. at that young age I learned how to smoke cigarettes to drink liquor.. to have a boyfriend..to play with guys without getting caught or if ever I get caught I don’t care.. to forget my studies and just have fun.. even left the house cause my mom wont allow me to meet up with my guy because I was too young.. I knew how to steal ..so I got some cash left the house w/o them knowing at all.. that was just the first..

As months past.. my life full of problems.. I did not know what to do..

I was too young to handle these kinds of problems.. really heavy problems..

I just don’t know why I don’t feel like studying.. honestly I have the brain I just don’t use it..

But I have to face the real world not hide from it..

Because I know that someday somehow.. I will be happy too..

Grade 5 ,ive been dropped by my first school which was <ecole de mont michel>

Then at first year I had to leave my 2^nd school <st marys college>

Honestly I was a non admi and a repeater..

One time I cut class with my friends.. then we got caught..

We really made up a story.. that we got kidnapped something like that ..we even punched ourselves..

Made ourselves dirty.. funny but true.. we made the school ,our friends & family worry so much..

They believed in us.. because they loved us.. but all of a sudden one of my friends have to spill it all out already.. she had to tell the truth ..because they, mrs. Ignacio <dean at smc ..my time> has to report it at camp crame which would be really hard for us.. because all of it are just fuckin lies!!

Well honestly we got mad at her..but she was right if we did not tell the whole truth nothing..

The problem wouldve gotten bigger and bigger..

So the two of my friends parents decided to drop them off already.. oh how I wish I didn’t do it all..

How I wish I went inside the campus when the service brought me to school.. but I cannot do anything..  <nasa huli ang pagsisisi> ..

But I still did not learn.. new school.. angelicum college..

Here I go again.. cut class.. smoke.. party.. drink.. cat fights.. boys..

Requested if we could make our own pepsquad who will compete from different kinds of school..

Dancing is my passion.. like in mary’s I gave more time in dancing than my studies..

Ptc my mom usually cries to me and ask me..

When will I learn??.. I cry with her and always tell her I will study hard..i promised!! But promises are made to be broken..i broke all the promises I made and still continued to have fun..

But what kept lingering over me is that why cant you tell me who my real father is..you don’t have to lie ..just tell me the truth ..why he left me..why you’ve been separated?? why?why?why?

Then ill go on with life already w/o me holding back the memories.. cuz im hurting..

It maybe a small thing for you guys.. but to me an incomplete/broken family is not as hard as you think it is .. its really really hard.. i guess I really wont know who he is.. what it feels to hug him.. and tell him papa I love you!! Or a dad I could run to if I have problems.. so just like a snap..

I gave up..and became worst!!

I joined a gang and a fraternity!! I played with boys!! SUICIDE!!I was infact a bitch for what I was doing..

But that time I don’t care at all.. I leave the house at night.. or from school and never come back for weeks.. I was deflowered already at the age of 14.. with this guy I never knew at all..but helped become mature.. taught me how to live life alone.. my life was a mess.. it really was.. at that young age.. I did all those because I did not know what to do.. I tried mariwana.. I never asked helped from god.. I hated god for what he has done to me.. I usually cry everynight and blame him.. which was not right..

Everytime I leave the house ..and not come back I feel sad too.. you will always miss home..

My mom waiting for days and weeks for me to come back.. without eating..getting enough sleep..she was even brought to the hospital because of me!! The blames all on me!!

I cared but why do I still continue doing all this.. I don’t know.. I really do not know why..??

At a young age I was independent.. I stood up for my own because my mom does not care for me at all anymore!! I was too much!!  Again and again.. smoked, played with boys, getting myself drunk everynight, getting myself high with drugs.. doing it with guys.. my life was turning hell!!

There was even a time.. at tiaong quezon.. where in I was so drunk & really droggy.. that I was almost raped!! Almost raped!! Because of the things I was doing to myself..

From that day on.. everything flashes back.. all the bad things ive don’t to myself and to people..

I NEEDED A BREAK!!

Went to the province <Mindanao>

To think and to renew myself..

I came back realizing that there is still a long time..

To change to show people they are wrong..

I left my guy.. where in he has told me.. that

<makakahanap ako ng katapat ko>

I told myself this time ..

I will study hard!! Do good.. love someone truly & faithfully..

2 guys came in my life after jovit.. it was fun texting with them talking over the phone..

but all of a sudden <cousins> oh my god!!  I actually fell for the other one.. but then I knew that he has a gf..someone I know.. so all of a sudden.. where it all started..

I answered mancy!!

MANCY has changed my life ,has changed me ..made me realize that I am a better person..

That I can do good too.. ever since he came.. my life was again full of colors.. full of joy..

Honestly I knew that there was something going on <something fishy>.. I love him

But I shouldn’t because what if hes just playing just tripping..he had girls!! He had girls!!

I broke down.. im the type of person..who does not  want to lose..not at all.. not ever..

So I played it hurts but I played.. realizing here I go again.. I should stop.. be mature enough to handle things out not act like a kid!

Ive been honest and told him the truth ..the whole truth..

Weve been through a lot..tears ,pains..

We even lost our baby!! Hurts really hurts..

Well I hope this lasts long..

I told myself just to hold on..lots of times I wanted to give up.. lots of times I was really breaking down.. but I have to hold on.. because I love him..

Mancy made yuka a better person.. mancy taught yuka how to love

How to get hurt how to be happy how to be strong..

But he never taught me how to let go..

FINALLY

october 2 ..my mom suddenly asked me.. if I wanted to meet my father??

But ofcourse.. my gawd!! My wish was granted.. after 14 ½  years..

OCTOBER  5 2004

10:07 p.m

location <papa’s restaurant> ennya

my hearts beating furiously..

god thank you!! I saw him..i met him..

so happy..guess it was a jackpot..to have mancy

and meet my papa!!  Well it was hard for us to talk because he does not know how to speak tagalog or English fluently.. I don’t know how to speak in Japanese..

after days.. I met my siblings.. kassie &  lucky.. they were easy to get along with..even my step mom..

gawd I was effing thankful .. but still haven’t met 3 more siblings hahahahaü 

I have my mom,step mom,step step mom..my father,my papa,my dannah,my kassie,my lucky,my friends,sisters,brothers at scul,my cousins,my everything, my mancy and most especially GOD!!

Thank you for making me realize I can still go on with life!!

For now im complete .. im happy..

I hope that the next steps will not be that hard at all..

Well if it is.. I can do it!!

This is a story of a child.. who has to face the real world.. where in there would be lots of tests in life..

Welcome to my journey.. my life……