Update

In a relationship with a controlling freak. I want to dump him. I like 4 other guys, but they all have problems and don't know my biggest secret.

My mom is even tougher to deal with. My uncle has gotten less tough, and so has my dad. My grandma may or may not have Alzheimer's but she's depressed. My sister is better. My mom is engaged to a great guy with a great kid and a terrible kid.

Only biting hangnails and nails now. No heavy duty self-mut.

I'm about to drive to Griffin if I get the job. I hope I do.

I have had 1 bf before this one and since Edward. Fell in love. Still in love.

I've lost touch with Jeremy.

Got rid of Phil.

Let's see. Voice is improving. No gutiar playing yet.

Got a new camera! Saved money and bought a D80. I love it!

I've gotten more acquaintances (sp?) and 1 true friend but she's long-distance. It's the crazy girl, but she's doing well.

I sort of graduated although I'm afraid I got a D in Leela's. Final was killer. 1 more class.

I'm going to miss Anthony and Jonell. They're moving to Tulsa.

No grad school for me. My uncle said he'd help me out with money if I need it. No extravagant spending though.

Might get new health insurance in August but might have to pay for it. It is slightly more expensive than what I pay for pills and copays.

Panic attackss are slightly less frequent. I still take generic Klonopin as needed.

Don't know if I'll be able to stay in C. L. next year. Need a roommie. Michelle was awesome, but she's in China.

Alex is mean. He takes me places though. I mean locations.

Update

Last night was fun. I went over to Triangle's house to see Lawrence. I got bored and decided to call my 2nd favorite crazy person, Deborah, the one who thinks Hillary Clinton is the Antichrist. She's doing well. We had about an hour long conversation. She told me Jeremy was a Buddhist which doesn't bother me a bit. She said she did get high with the boys but that it was her choice and there was no pressure. Then Lawrence picked a DVD to watch. It was Penn & Teller's Bullsh*t, Season 1. It was sooooo funny. Too funny if you know what I mean. Watch the one abou alternative medicine and environmental hysteria, and you'll know what I'm talking about. They had someone get Greenpeace members to sign a petition banning "dihydrogen monoxide." They got hundreds of signatures. Then a lady was cooing to and petting a plant. She lived in a tree for a year and saw the trees sap and felt it was crying. This guy Montana and I immediately linked those feelings to starvation. Then on the alternative medicine one this chiropractor was treating people for excema. He said his youngest client was either a day or a week old! You don't go popping babies bones that aren't fully developed, idiot! Anthony, you should seriously watch it with me. Even my roommates would get a kick out of dihydrogen monoxide. So I bought it on amazon.com.

Lawrence and I are both confused on how we feel about each other. He's still clinging to the thought of this girl who's ignoring him who has a bf being with him. I gave him some advice about that, tried to be unbiased and supportive of what he wants as I could. My crush on Jeremy is slowly fading. I can replace people. Lawrence thinks it's hard to do that. They are both totally different people, but Lawrence doesn't have any character flaws that I'm aware of. Jeremy does. Lawrence just has some little things that get to me like his smell, his clothes, his dorkiness, computer geekiness, mumbling, being vague when he communicates. I think that's about it. Everything else I really like about him. He's a very considerate, affectionate person--almost to a fault. He said my mania bothers him. That was something new, but I didn't have my meds with me last night. My oily/dry skin and nails and stuff like that bother him. I don't think he could handle my secret either.

New roommate

So I got a ring at my doorbell at 4:00 pm. It was a girl and her friend. She's like, "Hi, I'm your new roommate, Michelle, and this is my friend, Temple." I didn't know they were assigning them this soon. She came as a total shock. Someone from TCC wanted to room with me, but she hadn't decided for sure. Michelle seems pretty cool though. She's the semi-quiet but nice, smart, preppy type. I can tell she likes shopping more than Ashley and Krystal do which is a plus is she ever wants to hang out. She's pretty cute too which might be bad for me because if I invite a guy over and they see her, they'll probably be more interested in her. She more outgoing than the rest of us which is cool. The bad thing is she seems to like Ashley slightly more. They are both going to California at the same time they found out, and they made plans to hang out there together.  That gives Ashley and Krystal an advantage. I need a girl on my side. If she can bridge the gap, cool, but if I'm 4th wheel, it will be even more difficult than 3rd wheel. She seems to have a lot more money to spend than the rest of us do which could be good if we want to spend money to hang out or do whatever. It could be bad though because if we go dutch, then I won't be able to afford myself. Another bad thing is she's doing study abroad in the spring. I think she said to China. So we will only get to spend 4 months with her. Then we will be down to 3 unless someone else wants to take over the lease mid-year. I guess I could post an ad.

I got a book in the mail today. I hope it's a good read. It's from this lady I am on the poetry boards with. She's one of the moderators.

I got a bank statement, and I spent a whopping $1800 or so last month. That's insane!!! A lot of it has been on meds, then I wen ton some spending sprees I think for clothes and decorating stuff. I will have to look at the statements. Then I've been eating out a lot with Patrick and Lawrence--2 guys who almost never pay for me for some reason.

My Intro World Music class is a little harder than I expected. I made 2 stupid mistakes on the last test which cost me 3 or 4 points which would make me a lot more confident that I'd get an A. Now it's a 91.3%. The reason I didn't get them right was because I rushed through because I was nervous. I called my psychiatrist I'm working with now, Gil (the scary one). I don't know if he got the message though. I will call back tomorrow. I might have to start on a high dosage of Effexor. I also did a bad thing and took 80 instead of 40mg of Geodon last night. That seemed to help with the anxiety in class today, but I was sooo groggy this morning (might be because I didn't get much sleep at Patrick's house).

Yeah, there are 2 main guys I'm casually dating--Lawrence and Patrick. Lawrence is really sweet and affectionate. We have really good chemistry. He likes to mumble a lot though and is a huge dork. I don't like the way he dresses or smells (like stinky armpits even after a shower). Patrick is the opposite. He smells good, he dresses acceptably, but there is no chemistry. He is not that affectionate. We have a lot in common though. Looks wise they're both a little better than average--well like 7s I'd say, and I usually only like 8.5s-10s. Neither has swept me off my feet yet. Lawrence and I had a talk about that too. He said it's the same with me. He also wants me to wear no make up and glasses, and he wants me to put my career before love. It doesn't make sense for me to do that right now. When I can drive, maybe I could do that. I would feel icky wearing less make-up. I get more of a friend vibe from Patrick. I don't know why. I think Lawrence and I have a deeper connection even though we don't generally talk about academic or deep subjects. I think Lawrence is generally a more compassionate person. And Lawrence has seen me cry, and that kind of brought us closer. He was really good to me then. Neither one of them will pay for my dinner though. I don't know what Lawrence's deal is. Once he paid for me at Chili's (surprisingly). I think Patrick would if he had an income, but he's borrowing his brother's money and paid for our chips and queso but not my meal. So I think it's just that he doesn't want to. I like spending time with both of these guys though although I don't know if either of them could develop into something. Still the real problem though is getting Jeremy out of my head. I texted him about 3 weeks ago and called telling him something bad happened to me or about the assualt. I got no response. I will call him on the week of his birthday. It's either Oct. 17th or 19th and wish him a happy 21st and invite myself to the party. Then I'll have to give up or find some way to keep tabs on where he is and try to meet up. He'll see it as fate or a coincidence. He believes in fate. I'm not sure.

Another thing I've noticed is my spelling is getting worse. It used to be really good. Now I can't spell words I used to know. I don't know why. It bothers me.

Way to score on okcupid, Mom! She wrote a message to a guy I thought would like her, "HI! I think you are very good looking. I would like your number if you are interested."

Lol...smooth one. Yeah right.