psytoad's Xanga

Monday, December 11, 2006

Mon, 11 Dec 2006 19:15:01 GMT

It's been a while since I wrote anything. Not that nothing has happened, I just haven't felt like taking the time. But a friend challenged me to respond to a couple of questions: How do you know when you love someone? What is love to me? Just as Jesus said, the first shall be last -

What is love to me? If I had to come up with only one answer, I'd say that love is committment. When you love someone, you are committed to that person. The dictionary defines commit as "to bind". That's what I mean. If you truly love someone, you are bound to that person all your life. You care about that person, you want what is best for that person above all else, you are willing to work with and for that person to build something that is more than the two of you. If you love someone, you still love them even when you don't like them. You know that feelings are great but they come and go.

Loving someone also means that you recognize who and what that person is. You accept who someone is when you truly love them with out trying to change the inner person. That doesn't mean you don't help someone you love to grow, it means that you don't try to CHANGE them. You help them become the best possible person they can be. It's like growing flowers - you can't turn a marigold into a rose and you shouldn't try.

I think that I can say these things because I have lived them. Most who read this know that I am divorced. I don't want to remarry my ex-husband but in many ways I still love him. I am still bound to him by ties we created throughout our years together. I still pray for the best for him. I still want him to grow into the best person he can be. I'll say it again lest some of you misunderstand: there is no way that I want to remarry my ex-husband yet I can still have love for him. That's because the love I had for him throughout our marriage was true love, not what the world calls love.

My definition of love also includes choice. You can choose to love or not to love. Most marriages break up because choosing to love becomes too much work. Choosing committment rather than excitement is very hard sometimes.

The first question (how do you know when you love someone) is much harder because if you follow my definition, you really don't know that you love someone when you first start dating. You know that you like that person and that your emotions are all riled up and your hormones are raring to go. Research shows that the first three years of any relationship are built on emotions/hormones. To know if you love someone, you have to get to get past all that. You have to know the person, to find out how compatible you are, to see if you like who that person is right now and where that person is headed. All of the typical things that go on in a dating relationship. If all of those things are good, then you might decide that you love that person or that you want to try to love that person. I think that might be a better way to put it. You see if you both want to try to love each other. But the kind of love that most people mean when they ask that question - it's just emotions. That's why you need to surround yourself with the right kind of people so that when you "fall in love" your likely to be falling with someone who has the same goals and beliefs that you do. Otherwise, you let yourself in for a lot of heartbreak - sometimes sooner, sometimes later.

Enough heavy stuff. God bless you all.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Thu, 19 Oct 2006 20:23:25 GMT

Ok. Edgar (our music pastor) went on and on after our recording session about God giving many of us songs to praise him. It spurred me on because about 18 months ago, He gave me the beginning of a song. I've finally finished it and am putting it out for comments. Now, the only problem with doing this is that you can't hear the tune - think minor key. For that, you'll just have to wait to see me. Then I'll sing it to you! I'm not real sure about the last verse; to be more specific about the first two stanzas of the last verse. And I'm not really sure if it's totally finished. But here it is.

Jill is a dancer and Ian is gay.

They live in a city not to far away

From a church where the chosen sing and pray

They're looking for heaven, where God's love is real

Hungry for Jesus, the search through the streets

In the arms of a lover or a stranger they meet

But the sweel love of Jesus is the touch that they need

They're looking for heaven, where God's love is real

Why are they searching still

Where can they turn

Why don't we share the love

That our Savior has shown?

We'll open all the doors, we'll tear down the bars.

W'll take Christ into the world, we'll go where they are.

No more a citadel where the chosen ones stay

They'll find here a heaven where God's love is real.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Mon, 09 Oct 2006 20:47:42 GMT

There are days when I just don't know. That's literally, I just don't know. This weekend was full of them. I keep praying to God because He is the only one who does know.

On a less serious note, it has been raining like heck here so I just funneled the downspouts through the garage. Lo and behold, Butt Dog was wiggling his tiny (but extremely brown) butt and VERY glad to see me!

Tuesday, October 3, 2006

Tue, 03 Oct 2006 21:27:28 GMT

Well, I hate to say this, but I must. Butt Dog has gotten lost in his own excrement. Yes, it is true. The papers that Nick and Meghan tried to fax to me haven't yet arrived and I have forgotten everything I ever knew about potty training. I tried the doll thing (Meghan, Dan, and Colin you remember, don't you?) but somehow Butt Dog just couldn't identify with a blonde-haired female doll who did her thing sitting on a funky blue potty. I tried sitting him on the toilet but no luck. He just fell in (Colin, you remember how THAT goes!). So I stuck him out in the garage thinking I might have time over the weekend to go to the library and look up something on doggy poo. Unfortunately, nature took its course (as Nick said). Now this weekend, I'll have to clean out the garage and see if I can find him. I just keep throwing food and water into the garage and hoping he finds it. The smell isn't really too bad. After all, I'm not home much anyway.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Sun, 04 Dec 2005 13:20:30 GMT

Everybody keeps bugging me to update. Don't you all know what toads to to things that bug them? They EAT them!!

Seriously, I have just been so busy with quizzing, parents, two jobs, kids, that I hardly have time to sleep let alone update. Thanksgiving was fun at my brother's and I agree with Colin that the Jones Soda Holiday Collection is truly an experience! Kelly cooked the best turkey I have EVER had and I need to get her recipe. It was wonderful fun to be with Josh and Em and to watch all the cousins learning more about each other. I was a bit jealous that I didn't get to ride in the Party Car on the way home but I understand that some things are really not fit for a mother's ears and kids deserve their own space.

Christmas will be tough because it will be the first time in 52 years that I have not had Christmas Eve at my parents' house. Since Meghan and Nick can't come down from Alaska and my parents are having health problems, we decided to move the celebration to my sister's house. We will continue the traditions (roast beast, picture, etc.); just move them elsewhere. We always knew that this day would come.

Still, I am looking forward to celebrating Jesus's birth with all my family - church and biological.

So, now that I've updated you can all feel safe that you will not be eaten!

Friday, October 07, 2005

Fri, 07 Oct 2005 21:53:05 GMT

Ok, for the first time in my life I have gotten stiches. I have watched Colin get MILLIONS of stiches but never cut myself badly enough to need them. Tonight, I was getting ready for the quiz team to come over and thought I would decorate with some pumpkins. Not having an adult to provide me with supervision, I cut my left hand badly enough to need stiches. Fortunately, I can still type 'cause the cut is on my thumb.

This has been another stress-filled week. My mother has had real problems requiring my attention. I keep wondering, what does God want me to learn from all these experiences? I don't always think He plans them or has a particular lesson for me to learn but I know that I am expected to learn something. I just want to be open to whatever that is. I am convinced that God wants us to grow, not to stay puny and weak. So let's get exercising!

Friday, September 30, 2005

Fri, 30 Sep 2005 11:25:33 GMT

For those of you who have been wondering; no, I have not fallen off the face of the earth. I have, however, been floating in outer space! To all of my friends, I will try to do better. Let me share with you one quick item. It has been a stressful month for Colin, my youngest, and when one of my kids is stressed, I am stressed. Sometimes it seems like the devil is picking on you and it has been that way for Colin. I have prayed so much for him this last month that I think God is getting tired of hearing from me! Well, not really, but I have prayed a lot. This last week was the worst. I kept asking God to send Colin some sort of sign that God was in control; it could be something as simple as a sunrise or a good night's sleep but I did mention two specific things that I thought would be really helpful to Colin. I got an e-mail from containing the neatest pictures (the eye of God) and I thought that was it. I thanked God for answering my prayer. That night, when I talked to Colin, he told me that God had given him BOTH the things I asked for! I was in tears (still am) to think how much God loves us. He knew that Colin needed to hear from Him and He did so in just the same way we are to give - ABUNDANTLY!!!!

Monday, November 15, 2004

Mon, 15 Nov 2004 21:21:26 GMT

I have decided that I will try to write at least once a week, more when possible. I will try to be honest and use this as a personal journal; kind of silly when you think about the information being available to anyone on the web, but better than not writing at all. Maybe I will be able to transition into something more permanent. Maybe not. I have discovered that I hate writing by hand any more. It used to be a joy to write in my school journal (a requirement of my Junior English teacher) even though I didn't get as much credit because my writing was so small. I loved to write poetry, musings, short stories and all. I think that I still love to write these things, I just LOVE to do it on the computer where my spelling is checked, I can write almost as fast as I think, and I can edit without all those stupid little arrows and letters.

It is a blue night, mostly because I went unnoticed in a meeting tonight where I was hoping to be noticed. Not really bad because I am fairly sure that this person is not right for me in the long run but still, it would be nice to be noticed. All is in God's hands as it has been for the last twelve years. I promised that I would wait for Him and not for him (if you get my meaning) and I will continue to live up to my promise.

Nothing much else to say right now. I really need to find a new devotional. I loved the one I had (Disciplines of the Inner Heart by the Bensons) and don't look forward to my devotions as much as I used to now that I am through with it. I will pray for guidance in finding the right one again. Considering that I have had the above mentioned book for almost four years before starting it, I guess I shouldn't be impatient but I am. Just one more thing to work on.

Saturday, November 13, 2004

Sat, 13 Nov 2004 21:10:57 GMT

Xanga

Here it is! My first blog entry. Now I, too, can bore thousands at once instead of limiting myself to my family! The world has Colin to thank for this.

Seriously, tonight has been an interesting night. I completed a profile online that really had me thinking about my spiritual life, what matters to me, and why. I was in tears as I thought about what God means to me and how much I owe to Him.

Enough serious stuff - on to the nonsense! Ok, so I have no nonsense to share right now but I guarantee that I will soon so check back!