puppychow's Xanga

What I want

Tue, 03 Jul 2007 13:07:46 GMT

"The strongest man in the world is he who stands alone." -Henrik Ibsen. I'm hoping that there's truth to the quote on Bloomberg today. I know it's a childish ambition, but I'm still looking for the chance to do something meaningful in life. At first, I thought it would be through some sort of academic endeavour because God knows with my family there was no other example to follow. But then, of course, I had to be a little too materialistic for my own good, and take an investment banking job in Hong Kong so I could kill myself day after day of long work hours. And for what? To earn that extra buck so I can spend it on that day or two that I'm not working, that diminished Saturday and Sunday. I wonder if I could still go back, and think about doing great things. Or do I have to wait til the end of my career, when either I quit and work for Unicef or contribute something meaningful to a charity of my choice? I remember thinking once that I was following in Sun Yatsen's footsteps. Born in Taiwan, raised locally and overseas, then incidentally attending the same high school in Hawaii, and coming back home with something of an advantage. Now that I'm in Hong Kong it must be my chance. After all, Sun did stage a revolution in China and started it from hiding in this city. Sun had always been an exceptional individual, but it was in this enigmatic city, Hong Kong, that he began to change. I can almost feel the duality of this place, it's extraordinary sense of financial freedom and undemocracy at the same time. Perhaps it being only two days after the 10th anniversary of Handover has something to do with it, and I can feel a palpable presence of the Chinese Communist party in each bang of the fireworks display. Hong Kong really is an amazing city. Yet, I find myself yearning for Hawaii a lot in my spare time. I think the reason for the two being so far apart, so unattainably separated, is because God has said that I can choose only one or the other. And it's clear to me that despite what I may want in Hawaii, it will have to wait until after I make something of my time in Hong Kong.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Sun, 18 Mar 2007 18:49:25 GMT

Wow. That's all I have to say about this soundtrack and the suspect dvd I bought in Wanchai, which is amazing. These hip-hop fusion dance movies are really getting to me.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 12:32:16 GMT

What struck me about his reflections on this past year was not so much the
depth and complexity but his clarity of mind and sense of composure in
spelling it all out.  It sounds like he's been through hell, but you don't
see any scars from the way he's writing about it.  Also, although he says
that he has come of it with a heightened sense of self awareness and inner
strength, I suspect that his re-assimilation will be shakier than he might
expect.  His sense of detachment is ironically kind of spooky.  In any
case, he deserves all our support.  As far as I'm concerned, he's welcome.

A page from Curtis's journal

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 12:13:01 GMT

I year at war is almost finished. It has been a year full of experiences and revelations. In this type of environment you learn allot. You learn things about yourself, and the people around you. I have learned that I am capable of things that I never imagined. I learned that I'm much more resilient than I ever knew. I have also learned what it takes to break me. I know that when all of this is over I will never forget the things I've experienced. I have seen things that I can't un-see. I know that there are sounds that will echo in my ears forever; explosions, gunshots, screams. There is blood on my hands that I will never be able to wash off. I have learned that complete strangers can be willing to sacrifice everything for your well being; and that that those closest to you can be willing to cause you great pain for the sake of their own comfort. I've seen people at their best and their worst.

I have changed. I am no longer the person I thought I was when I first arrived here. I view myself differently. I look at everyone in my life through a different set of eyes now. I know that I will not be returning to the same life I left. People have grown in my absence. They have graduated, married, fallen in love, and had children. Life goes on without me. That revelation is both painful and liberating. Painful in that its made me realize that the self-importance I once felt was all an illusion. Liberating in that I know that I can go off to pursue goals I've pushed aside to be there for those I felt needed me.

I have no romantic notions of what my return will be like. I expect no parades or parties; no tearful greetings at the airport. I expect nothing more than relief from those who worried for my safety. I know that whatever the future holds for me will be a result of what I do and the decisions that I make for myself. My life is my own, and the responsibility for success or failure rests solely on my shoulders. This past year has prepared me for that responsibility. Curtis

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Sat, 03 Mar 2007 13:00:51 GMT

Valentines Day

Wed, 14 Feb 2007 11:09:49 GMT

So I was supposed to meet with my Valentines date for drinks, but for some client meeting involving the presence of lawyers - I'm bitterly assuming old and nasty ones. Her Valentines day has been completely ruined, and here I'm receiving a consternated text message saying, "I'm sorry for ruining your Valentines day..." The poor girl. She has a quality of unabashed decency, the kind of good nature in person that you see once every couple of years, and they make an impression upon you if you get to know them. The problem is most people miss this about her, for like most gems, precious things require effort to unearth, and such is her soul and uncommon benevolence.

Four Hundred Dollar Wine

Mon, 12 Feb 2007 10:14:22 GMT

I suffered another normal Monday. Next week will be Chinese New Years, and most local shops will be closed for two weeks. This includes my tailoring shop, so my schedule's set for tomorrow to pick up three freshly stitched shirts each spun of Italian fabric - a white shirt weaved with blue and pink pinstripe, a wide-collared soft-blue pinstripe shirt with french cuffs, and a third shirt for after work (yes, it could be pinstripe). Life in this industry can be vain... Like the dinner I had last night. I don't remember the name of the place, and the entrance was just a slit in the wall I happened to notice; had I not I may have saved four hundred dollars on just the bottle of wine. For some reason I didn't want the Australian substitute for the Chilean I picked. Honestly, I don't even care about wine that much. I took a cab home. It was a decadent meal. Tomorrow, I have to get up for work again at six and I need the sleep.

A New Year's Resolution

Sat, 20 Jan 2007 11:15:31 GMT

I'm trying to start anew and keep the slate of my conscience clean, so reviving the weblog seemed like a good idea to enforce my "new year's" resolution. We'll see how it goes, it's strange just to be writing on this ghost-like forum, but even stranger is that "saving changes" never struck me as oxymoronic before...

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Sat, 20 Jan 2007 09:52:25 GMT

A Page From Curtis's Journal

"All I have gained from a year in Iraq is a sense of hopelessness. Everyday the cycle of violence continues; fueled by a perpetual air of hatred. The Shia hate the Sunni, so they kidnap torture and kill them. The Sunni hate the Shia, so they attack the Shia with bombs and rockets. Both Shia and Sunni hate the Americans, so they attack us by any available means. Its not a war of logic. Bombs are placed in crowded market places and schools; and the victims more often than not are innocent women and children who wanted nothing more then to buy food and clothing. American troops go into dangerous areas to provide food, water, and other essential services to the Iraqi people and are rewarded for their efforts with sniper fire and mortars. It all leaves me with a sense of worthlessness. I've worked around the clock to try and make a difference. I've talked to Iraqi people from powerful sheiks to uneducated militiamen; trying to convince them that the cycle of violence is only serving to tear their country apart. All of this has had no noticeable effect. Everyday I still see bombs exploding. Everyday I hear the cries of children and the wailing of women who have been wounded both physically and emotionally. I've talked to children of various ages who cant read or write because its not safe for them to go to school; or because the local teachers have all been kidnapped or killed. There is no rational explanation for the violence or the hatred; its simply there. People here have to live in fear of the fact that at anytime the can be stopped at a checkpoint, removed from their cars and executed simply for being who they are; or for worshiping God in the way they were raised to. What is the solution to all of this? How can you convince someone not to hate? I don't know. I only know that I've tried everything I could possibly think of; all with no effect. My time here has been full of disappointment, disillusionment, and personal setbacks. I'll be leaving here with less than I came with. The things that brought me joy and happiness in the past are all somewhat diminished now. Things don't shine as rightly as they did before. I'm not sure how to fix that either. There is a saying; war changes a man. I now understand what that means. "