| What a strange, emotional week. it may seem odd- to miss that tiny little life and to love him so much before even really getting to know him. Growing up, i never thought twice, never noticed just how close my family is. Not creepy close- but close in strength and love. It never even occured to me until the past few years that not every family is so lucky. And this past week, its really slapped me in the face. For some, a stillborn would really only affect the immediate family: the parents, the siblings, and maybe the grandparents. But losing Timmy rocked all our worlds. I mean, rocked. I personally have never cried more in my entire life and I know I'm not even done. And neither is the rest of my family. I know that for some families, it may seem a little much to have fourteen people present at the baptism of a stillborn, but for my family, it just didn't seem to be enough. There are so many more of us that wanted to be there, they just couldn't. But Timmy was so special. He was so much more than just a stillborn. He was a son. A brother. A grandson. He was a nephew, a godson, and a cousin. He was my cousin and already as much a part of the family as any one of us still here today. It doesn't seem fair now, him being taken away from us so soon, but if there was something wrong with him, I suppose it's better this way. I would much rather he go straight into the hands of God and the arms of my Papa than to know any kind of pain of discomfort. Honestly, and I don't know about the rest of the family, but I know that the cousins are just a bit jealous. I mean, the little guy got to start his eternity with Papa before the rest of us. Lucky lil' fella. I know i'm not the best catholic, or the most religious person out there, but I do believe in God, and I do believe that if you keep him in your heart and try to life your life right and be a good person, then someday you'll be rewarded. And I do believe that part of that reward is getting to see all your loved ones who have passed before you. I have to believe that. It's whats getting my family and I through this. Believing, knowing that one day, years from now, we will get to see Papa and little Timmy again. Now, I don't really know how the aging process works in Heaven, but it seems to be win-win either way: if Timmy doesn't age at all, we'll get to cuddle the most precious baby in the world for the rest of eternity. And if he does age, then we all get to know him the way we wish we could now. I don't know. There are so many things that I don't know right now. But there are a few things that I do know. I know that I love and miss that baby so much already. I know that things won't be the same for a while; it's hard to see pregnant girls (and god knows they're everywhere right now) and babies without thinking of Timmy and seeing his perfect little face. I know that I have the most amazing family that anyone could ever ask for. I also know, however, without a shadow of a doubt, that he is in a much better place now, and even though he isn't with us physically, he's still here in all of our hearts, and he can feel all our love all the way up in Heaven. We all just love you and miss you so much, Timmy. And we always will. R.I.P.~ Timothy Patrick James Hooley |
