I'm mad at myself not you. I'm mad for always being nice, apologizing, for things I didn't do, I'm mad that i got attached. I'm mad I depended on you & you wasted my time. I'm mad for thinking about you & wishing for you & mostly for not hating you, i should, but i can't.
im a mess & my room usually is too.
i laugh at the stupidiest things, and say the
wrong thing at the wrong times. i cry for
no reason. sometimes i get mad easily.
but i'm just me & thats all i can be
i want someone who won't care that i never wear shoes. That I'm incapabale of staying still. That i can't grasp the concept of cleaning. & I refuse to be lady-like. Someone who realizes that half the decisions i make are usually decisions that I'll regret. && I have the right to over-react at any given moment. I want someone who knows I'm comepletely insane & they wouldn't want me any other way.
sometimes you look back at people
and can't believe you were friends with them.
&& finally when everything you
want is basically handed to you it `s
almost as if you were afraid to take it
i have a habit of falling too hard &&
falling too fast && getting my hopes
up for something i know won't last
I'm sick of being used & abused. I'm sick of trying to be everything, and still mean nothing to you. I'm sick of smiling when I feel like crying. Sick of acting happy, when everyone can tell I'm lying. And mostly, MOSTLY, I'm sick of knowing I'll never be strong enough to walk away from a feeling I feel almost every day. Because what doesn't kill me, numbs me to the bone. And what love should feel like, what love should be like, will be a feeling that I've flirted with, but never known. Because every meaningless touch, every single meaningless kiss, kills me a little more & pretty soon, I'm gonna misread real love as nothing but a little attention from a man-whore.
ever had one of those days, where nothing really goes wrong
good things actually happen to you, but you still feel like
you hate the world & everything that happens, even dropping
your pen in the hallway makes you want to break down and cry?
change is never easy. you fight to
hold on, & you fight to let go
by the world's standards we will
never be perfect. but for some reason,
with you -- i feel p e r f e c t e d.
i like the fact that somebody like
you sees something in me <3
-- ONE TREE HILL *
Anyhow, I'm fine. I mean not that i'm over it, but little by little its getting easier to pretend its easier, which means easier might be right around the corner <3
-- GILMORE GIRLS *
When a girl hates you
the way she hates you, it
really means that she likes
you. That's basic kindergarten
psychology. Dawson's Creek
and it won't matter if you we're the prom queen or the quarterback of the football team, or the biggest nerd in the school. What will matter is to just find out who you are and try not to be afraid of it." - Never Been Kissed. <3 *
.. My name is what hoes tend to mention
keep talking bitches, i love the attention
I'm afraid that I'll end up alone.
I'm scared that I'm always gonna be the
sister or the friend or the confidant,
never quite somebody's everything.
I'm scared that I'll never find a guy that
I'll love as much as I love you.
-- Dawson's Creek
even though i remind myself that we`ll never be
together, i won`t let myself fall for anyone else.
love is like dominoes..
one wrong move and
everything you've worked for..
falls apart
It's not up to me anymore
If you want me in your life
you'll find a way to
put me there.
You don't want me..you said it yourself.
You just don't want to lose me
* Dawson's Creek *
Life is about trusting your feelings &
taking chances. Losing & finding
happiness, appreciating the m e m o r i e s,
learning from the pain & realizing
that people a l w a y s c h a n g e.
Now here are some lines to remember from my all time favorite show Dawsons Creek
PACEY: Just one question, Potter. What did you think about the seventh time that you stalled?
JOEY: That I’m never driving stick again.
*****
PACEY: You're gonna throw it away?
JOEY: The wrapper, yes.
PACEY: If this is about --
JOEY: -- It's about you carrying my bag off the bus yesterday. It's about how at the movies, when you get the popcorn you bring me a napkin so I don't have to wipe the butter on my jeans. Or how last week, at miniature golf, you made sure you always shot first so I could see which path worked best.
PACEY: That was just --
JOEY: -- You taught me to drive. You knew the bracelet I wore to the prom last year was my mother's. You kissed me first and you counted to ten before you kissed me again in case I wanted to stop you. You...you bought a wall for me.
PACEY: I didn't so much buy it as --
JOEY: -- Three months alone on a boat and you understood without a word why I wasn't ready.
Do you really have to ask now why I am? So... in about ten seconds, I'm going to start kissing you. And if you don’t want me to... well, then I guess you’re just gonna have to stop me.
Ten.
*****
PACEY: You know, last year -- I could give you something no one else could. I could give you a wall to paint a mural on, I could sail you around on a boat for a whole summer, I could give you that night on the ski trip -- but I'm spent now, Jo. I've got nothing left to give. And it makes me angry that you'd stay with me even after I've become what I've become.
JOEY: What have you become? You're just you, you're a good person and I love you--
PACEY: -- Joey, I've become someone who hates himself so much he can't even look in a mirror. And I wish being with you didn't make it worse but it does. Because the more you love me in spite of all this, the angrier at you I get... and the more I stop loving you back.
JOEY: How long have you felt this way?
PACEY: I don't know. And I know it isn't right. I know my failures have nothing to do with you, but if we stay together, I'm just gonna keep taking it all out on you -- like I did in there tonight. That was horrible, Joey, and I know all this is totally my fault. I can't keep treating you like that - but I know I won't stop treating you like that.
JOEY: I've got news for you -- how you treat me, is actually totally in your power.
PACEY: Joey, look at me... Senior year is over. We're two different people, heading in two different directions. There's no boat in the sunset this time. There's Boston and there's Capeside.
********
DAWSON: You have this annoying habit of making me not want to get on planes.
JOEY: No. You're gonna get on that plane. And you're gonna go make movies.
Because that's your dream. And you're gonna be good to every person you meet along the way. Because that's who you are. And if you ever get lost, remember...
DAWSON: What?
JOEY: I love you, too.
*********
thats a long enough entry, love always me.... Jayna Dawn
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