Currently Listening The Best of Bobby McFerrin By Bobby McFerrin don't worry be happy see related

one of them days

(I made this today. bored. kinda funny...)

LIFE LESSONS #1:

some days you can only hope some good samaritan will come by and save your a$$ from the mess you got it in

and sometimes you're havin' to bust out on your own.

either way, it helps to think outside the box

but don't freak out when life gets hairy

you can always blow off some steam with your friends

hey, we've all been there...

more than once...

ok, a lot...

so have a good laugh in moments like this

and remember to take a well-deserved break every now and then

maybe take a look at things in a new perspective

or you can meditate to find your answers from within

but no matter what happens, know that things usually work out the way they should, if not the way you wanted...

and remember that someone out there loves you, and that makes all the effort worth it.

If you like this blog, recommend it to others who you think need a lift!

Love!! ~j~  

Currently Listening Born to Fly By Sara Evans saints and angels see related

a (re)birth

just when i think that God's run out of ways to surprise me, He throws a spiritual curveball.

on monday, just after 5 pm, i watched a new life come into this world.

i was at the hospital on a clinical shift and managed to be placed into OB, where a woman was about to give birth to her son. we (my classmate, kasey, and i) got permission to be in the room. dr. hubbard was there and gave up a play by play on what to expect and how an average delivery goes. when the time finally came, we saw the whole thing, from crowning to crying. and while dr hubbard was great on getting me prepared for what was to happen outside, he had no way to prep me for what went on inside of me.

it was the most amazing, emotionally overwhelming, and disgusting thing i've ever seen. (sorry, but it is pretty gross.) when that child took his first breath and let out a wail of a cry, tears sprang to my eyes, and i cheered along with everyone else. i couldn't believe how i felt. i can't describe it. i still feel it, strong as ever. it was so powerful. so soul-stirring, so...miraculous...

 does this make me feel more guilty about my abortion? no. i'm forgiven. i'm working on forgiving myself. if anything, it made me feel like i've done something to right the wrong, though i know i never could. at least, in this profession, i can save people lives. and maybe one day it'll be my baby that's wailing out his/her first breath on this planet. and the circle will continue, until He takes us all Home.

Currently Listening This Is Your Time By Michael W. Smith This Is Your Time (and the Reprise) see related

first code

i had clinicals yesterday up at the hospital. i experienced my first code. a code is when someone has a cardiac arrest (or respiratory arrest, because it usually leads to cardiac arrest). they called the code blue and one of my fellow students and i went running downstairs to the ER (we were on the east wing at the time) to intercept the ambulance bringing the patient in. i did a couple rounds of compressions while watching the code staff work on reviving the patient. unfortunately, to no avail.

it was weird. not bad, really, because the victim was of advanced age and probably led a great life. i guess it's the visuals that are hung up in my head. looking at the face, with eyes slightly open, and wondering if those eyes can see me. if those eyes still see, can the person see me trying to bring life back into them? if they can, all i ask is that they know i'm only trying to help. i'm not trying to play God, i'm not looking for glory. i just want to be sure that if it's not someone's time to go yet, and i'm there, i'll do everything i can to keep them alive, here, on Earth. knowing the body is only a vessel for the soul makes it easier. i feel almost guilty because of how i've already managed to seperate myself from the victim. but i know there was nothing more we could have done. there were a lot of variables that no one could have changed. so i know it was time...

every EMS employee i've talked to says your first code stays with you for a while...that you may never forget it. i understand that now. this person, the first i couldn't help, will always be with me, silently reminding me that i can never do too much when it comes to saving another person's life. that's why i know i'm meant for this field. i need to know that i've made a difference in someone's life...even if it's only one person...even if only for a moment...

still walking, still trying

yes, i'm still alive. somehow, with a lot of help and grace from upstairs, i've survived "hell week" (which really was more like hell month) and am back in classes. i pulled a 4.0 GPA for the fall term. pretty proud of that.

i've done a few clinicals for paramedic in the last couple weeks. nothing too gross or exciting, but at least it's a start. gotta walk before you run...

meanwhile, God's been showing up in weird, unexpected places lately. it's like He's telling me that, even though i'm not as immersed in church and everything as i was before i got busy with class and life in general, He's still as immersed in me. sometimes it's when i'm singing along to a great song on my way down to work...i'll get that Spirit feedback that i love. all tingly and warm feeling. and through a couple rough spots during the winter break, i'd need a hug and say so, out loud...and get one. it's nice to know that He's always there for me.

been out snowboarding a few times this year. too cold to go lately, but this weekend looks a lot better, so i'm hoping to get out there both saturday and sunday, if i can. got a clinical shift on monday, so that rules that day out.

karma (the pup) is only eleven months old, but to see her would totally shock you. she's about 85 lbs, and almost 23" at the shoulder. healthy, smart, and getting used to her mom's crazy schedule. i think she's probably doing better with it than i am...and then there's dude (the cat), who seems to be reaching an agreement of some kind with her and with me. i can almost hear him, "so, she's here to stay, huh? well, i guess that's okay...as long as she doesn't try to lick MY face." (cats are very disgusted by slobber, you know, and to see the dog licking my face is appalling to him)

so as this world keeps turning, i find myself hitting a level part of my walk. it's about perservering, even in the times when the best i can do is read His word for a few minutes before bed. it's about keeping my head up, and looking around...not just to see where i'm going, but how far i've come. sometimes i feel like a totally different person than i was a year ago this time, when i started to come back Home. and while i am reborn, i still hold on to the memory of who i was. it makes me more determined to stay the course, cause i don't want to go back. it's just not worth it...but He is.

love to all

nevermind...

*sigh*

well, that lasted long, didn't it? brad and i are finito. officially. permanently. ouchies. unfortunately, i was the one who had to stand up and say it: "we're better off without each other." he wouldn't. he told me he wouldn't break up with me. ever. that if i wanted to break up with him, i'd have call it. talk about pressure. so i called it. fine. less stress for me anyway. yeah, i feel bad. real bad, actually. i feel like i just killed his puppy. interesting to note though, that in his last relationship, HE was the one who felt less than the girl, so HE had to be the one to break it up. wonder if there's some poetic justice in that, now that he's seen it from both sides.

in a way, this is the first time i've had to be the dumper in a long long time. without it being totally someone else's fault. like the ex-husband? he was abusive, so leaving him was easy. and the last one, in chicago, well, he was pretty much paranoid and controlling in psychotic ways, so that was easy, too. brad? he never really did anything wrong. he just wasn't the RIGHT one, either. i have no doubt he would've been good to me. but i just didn't love him. not the way i'm expecting to love THE ONE. hmm...now where to find him?

i know, i know...you find that special person when you're least looking for them. fat lotta help that is when everyone around you is cuddling with someone, and not only do you not have someone to cuddle with, but even if you did, you wouldn't want to! how much more isolated can you feel??? am i a total antisocial freak or what?? SHEESH!

any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated!

thanks.