I never like to whine, for compared to many other people I can't be luckier. Yet recently I've found that I'm living in limbo. I'm in a religious limbo, as I've never been baptized. I'm in a geographical limbo, as I'm now staying in LA, just like between the heaven (Taiwan) and hell (Philly). And I'm in a relationship limbo, going nowhere from the status quo. It's so easy to hate him who's gone out with her so many times after we're apart. Then I was not surprised when he finally said let's break up. But it's so hard to hate him who still always says he loves/misses me. I know staying in LA for such a long time is my passive way of escaping it all from Philly where I have a lot of memory, and I also know it's not a good way to do so. What else can I do?

I should just remember something delightful, like my days in LA. On Wed. auntie took me to the Getty Museum, and before that we stopped by her friend's place in Malibu. The view from the house's living room deck was awesome. The deep, vast, and blue sea reflecting the sun light. The Getty Museum was an interesting place. While I indulged myself in those ancient Roman collections, I suddenly realized that I've never been to any art/antique museum or exhibition with him during our days in Philadelphia. That's funny. That's not like me. I was the kind of person who would schedule an afternoon to visit a museum/exhibition at least once a moth during my high school and college years. Oh yeah but we finally went to two Smithsonian museums in DC, the Mütter museum, and the Body World exhibition in LA. Though we've been to many other interesting and amazing places, it's a pity that he was not interested in museum. Oops I should just track down happy things. Then after the Getty Museum, we visited auntie's 87 (or 90?)-year-old friend, Bernie. She's an amazing old lady who has a fabulous big garden with hundreds of flowers, plants, and orchards in it. She lives alone coz her husband died early, and she has a studio at home that has dozens kinds of materials for her artcraft works. Her house was small but full of artistic and interesting stuff. I really admire her attitude of facing life difficulties positively. Her independence and optimism inspired me that it's not that dreadful to live alone or not getting married.

Tonight's visit to the Getty Center was incredible, too. It's so touching to encounter with Cézanne, Monet, Renoir, Gauguin, Degas, and Van Gogh. I don't know why but whenever I look at the real and original paintings of impressionism, especially oil paintings, I always feel like crying when looking closely at the lively and strong strokes the painters left on the canvas. I can feel the painter's breath when they touched the canvas with the brush full of unbelievable colors. I can feel the tremor of the canvas delivered through the painter's wooden brush in their clutching fingers. Two hundred years has passed but how lucky I am I seem to be communicating with them through the touches of paints. That's why I also love antiques. I never ride a time machine, but the moment I look at a sculpture from, say, the Mesopotamian era, I've traveled back to the very second when it's made. My life is short, but the thinking and imagination in my head is limitless. Two hundred years ago Van Gogh never knew his painting would be gazed at by a girl from Taiwan. Two thousand years ago the goldsmith by the Nile River never knew the earings he made would be sent to Penn Museum and liked by a Taiwanese girl who had originally not planned to go to a reception held in that museum.

What a beautiful encounter, isn't it?

Recently I've bee n listening to an old song very often, Faye Wong's "Chess." The song is about being controlled by the other in a relationship, just like the chess who can't make the move by itself. Ha! It's totally my song. So if it's gonna be him, I need to put up with many things and terrible s*x for the rest of my life. But he cried like a baby when he had to leave me. And he begged me not to leave when I was deeply hurt by him. If I just follow my heart, I couldn't stay any longer. If I act out of my ration, I have to stay to make him happy. Yet I'm like a lifeless chess that's not able to move by itself. Now I suddenly understand why he's so good at Chinese chess. This explains all.

So how honest should one be in a relationship?

I'm glad he's very honest to me, and so am I. But is it really a good thing?

He's so honest that he tells me everything. He tells me things like what he's done to her, how he feels, and what he thinks. It's good, I know. But it really hurt when we had the following conversation yesterday:

Me: Ok. Promise me not to do it or talk to her anymore.
Him: Hm... i'm not sure...Let's not talk about this. I don't want you to mention it for the rest of our life.
Me: Then you shouldn't have done that!
Him: I shouldn't have told you.
Me: Excuse me? Did you say you shouldn't have told me, NOT you shouldn't have done that?
Him: Yes. I regret telling you the truth.
Me: Not regretting doing that?
Him: No I don't regretting doing it. I only regret telling you everything.

I felt I was slapped by his words, but I don't know how to show him my anger. It's a taboo, and he doesn't wanna hear anything about it. I hate getting stuck in this kind of relationship. I love him and he loves me, but in a kinda weird way, or in a terrible trio. It really hurts. Sometimes I hate myself so much, and I hate myself of not being able to hate him but myself. Such negative thought on myself sometimes really throws me into the darkest abyss. The only thing I can do is to pray, as I don't know how to trust men anymore.