|
rebelprincess
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Elyssa
Country: United States
Birthday: 12/24/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: IB; swim; run; GW; photography; MUSIC; life. Support.
Expertise: wishes; cookies; support; friends.
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
AIM:  rbellepryncess
Member Since:
6/6/2003
|
|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| "What do you know, Elyssa?"6/24/07
My friend Brian asked me tonight what I know. It was in
reference to another question, something about complicated boy things,
but it still made me pause and think harder about it than anything else
has in a while. I told him I would go get cleaned up and think about
it, and respond, as well. The more I thought about it the more I knew
it would take more than just an AIM box to answer.
I know this
will come out sounding so much more melodramatic than it probably needs
to be. I know that because I know I sub/consciously try to make my life
like a movie.
I know my birthday, I know my name. I know who I
can call when I feel stressed, I know what I do when I’m stressed. I
know what I’m trying not to do when I’m stressed. I know a lot of
random facts, I know how to drive. I know things about biology,
theater, English, books, authors, movies. I know how to make people
feel better. I know that I get over involved in people’s lives and that
subconsciously I want to be involved in their lives and a part of
whatever makes them “better”.
I know that I’m a sensual
person. I know I like to feel good. I know I am trying to change my
body in a way that is healthy so that I feel better about myself. I
know that I have history with a lot of people and I know I should be
happy my list of ex-friends isn’t longer. I know that I get quiet when
I get really nervous. I know that I like to drive fast but will
constantly think about my gas mileage. I know that my favorite color
wasn’t really determined until I painted my room.
I know
things about people. I know lots of secrets. I know I talk too easily
and often tell way too much about myself within the first few times of
meeting someone. I know I love too many people too easily. I know I get
attached quite easily and I know its probably not a good thing. I know
I have separation issues, and I know they don’t stem from some deep
dark past, just from a want to not separate or change.
I know
that I’m not as confident as I first appear. I know I don’t know what I
believe in yet. I know I like to say I believe in love and goodness and
faeries and the power of people to help others but I do not know what I
really believe in. I don’t know the things that will get me through
things so much harder than adolescence.
I know that I love too
easily. I know that I don’t like when things end. I know that I hate
feeling jealous and I know that I hate feeling insecure. I know lots of
things about other people and know that I’m still discovering things
about myself.
I know that I need motivation. I know that I
need motivational quotes. I know that I need to believe in myself. I
know that I need people who care about me around me and I know that I
like attention. I know that whenever its brought up, I’ll deny it, but
I know that I do like feeling girly even though I act like I could care
less.
I know that I don’t know a lot. I know that I’m only 18
and I know that I still have a lot of growing up to do. I know that I
hate feeling like a kid stuck under the rules of my parents and I know
that I can’t escape them yet. I know that I like being single but I
also know that I like having someone there who cares about me as more
than a friend. I know that I trust too easily and can be taken
advantage of.
I know that when it comes to fixing things I try
until I can’t do anymore. I know that I like to be the one who gets
some credit, or whose work is admired but not blatantly complimented.
I
know that I get pleasure from teasing people and I know that its not
the best thing to do. I know I’m a sucker for bad romantic movies, and
I know that those things weaken whatever I think I stand for. I know
that I’m not ready for sex. I know I’m not ready for marriage. I know
that I’m unsure as to what I want to do when the guy I’m currently with
leaves for school. I know I want to stay friends.
I know that
a lot of this nervousness stems from that. I know that I will stay in
school and I will get a job and I will not live with my parents after
college. I know that I have the power and will to be independent. I
know my sister feels she has to live up to me and the standards I set.
I know that I set high ones, but I know that she will forge her own
path.
I know that I love too easily. I know that I still love
people after things have ended. I know that I miss people. I know that
I miss my grandmother and that while she was alive I didn’t feel what I
should have towards her. Instead of love I felt resentment for having
to deal with her. I know that love and music are big parts of my life
because of what they bring me. I know that love brings me my friends
and that music brings me things I cannot say. I know that guys aren’t
the princes they are in movies. I know that that doesn’t stop me from
thinking they could be. I know that whenever I start liking someone I
envision too many cheesy movie scenarios in my head.
I know
that I think about love a lot. I know that I lie to my parents too
often, and I know that I’m conscious of lying to them. I know that I
think it’s the one badass thing I regularly do. I know that I don’t
smoke because my grandmother died from it and I know I don’t drink
because I don’t want to and I’d lose a friend.
I know that I
shouldn’t be a creepy Facebook stalker but I look through people’s wall
posts anyways. I know that I get jealous when I look at
boyfriends/ex-boyfriends wall posts and see other girls posting. I know
its stupid. I know, but I still do it. I know that my best friend has
left me and that I felt extremely offended when she told me. I know
that I was ashamed of how selfish I was being. I know that I will never
have certain people again. I know that I can’t watch ex’s kiss others.
I
know that I’m big on touching and being close and I’m sorry if you’re
not. I know that while I hope I will be friends with people for life I
probably won’t be. I know that if I had to list people I love – truly
love – the list would not be too long. I know that if I had to list
people I’m in love with the list would be pretty short.
I know
that this was long and I know that I probably rambled. I know that I
want to edit it and make it more streamlined but that I probably won’t.
I know that today is my 1 month day with my current boyfriend.
I also know that he probably won’t call. I know that I will have to
deal with it because I’m not in high school anymore and I am big enough
to get over stupid little things.
I know that if you read all
the way down to here you’re dedicated. I also know that if you read
down to here you probably have nothing else to do. I know that I’m
falling asleep and that if I sit in the dark for much longer I will
doze off. I know that this has cleared my mind and I also know that
deep down I wish for lots of people to comment on it.
I know that I love too easily.
I
know that I love to read and get swept away by things that never, or
could never, happen. I know that I know how to think, and how to work
through things, and that I love feeling like I’ve accomplished
something.
I know that I hate feeling alone. I know that I’ll
always come through for my friends, and only sometimes come through for
myself. I know that I’ve written over two pages of things I know, and I
know that I still feel like I don’t know so many things. | | |
| no more xanga.
new xanga page.
for now:
www.myspace.com/clearmascara.
| | |
| Fuck it ALL.
I'm so screwed.
And I've been cursing more.
Happy Vday.
p.s. Johari, anyone? [click] | | |
| Arg. I so wish I were different. | | |
| Sick. Like, ew, sick.
I THINK I GOT PINKEYE FROM KITTY.
=[
___edit
Nevermind. Just a really bad allergy attack.
And Ben, you're disgusting. Seriously. | | |
|