|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| John Mayer - Say
Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put ‘em in quotations
Say what you need to say [x8]
Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead,
If you only could . . .
Say what you need to say [x8]
Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You’d better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open
Say what you need to say [x24]
| | |
| I feel so much right now
I feel myself getting cynical and shutting down
my chest and my breath feel heavy
I want to scream and punch, but I've chosen not to let it out
I feel frozen by memories of my past,
and a trust in you that's withering.. withered.. gone.
I think back to the safest safe haven I ever knew..
I miss having a home for my body and for my heart
I ache to wander back to my old home,
to see if it can still feel like home for me,
like when I was a child climbing trees,
looking down at the menaces screaming up at me.
nobody could pull me away from that safe haven, except myself.
nobody, and nothing could overpower me there.
and now I ache for the look in your eyes I don't see
now I ache for the tenderness from you I don't feel
I feel broken for the dreams I had that are not coming true.
and for the hope that I had that's been stomped out by you
I long to feel loved, and to feel joy again
instead I feel lost in your endless maze of cynicism
I really believed I would find my soul mate here,
but I feel like I've lost you, that I never had you, or even really knew you
I wonder if I will ever feel known by you
even with everything that's decayed inside,
inside I'm growing a new life,
one that's part me and part you,
someone old, yet completely new
and I just want to sort through this rubble
to find something that's still beautiful
something that hasn't been touched, tainted, or defiled
something that's lovely and worthwhile.
I choose to see myself flying freely,
and I don't know yet if that means I'll be with you or without you
but I've still got some struggling to do,
some speaking up to do, and searching to do.
I've got some opening up to do, listening to do,
and loving to do...
and forgiving too..
| | |
| An update.. since I haven't actually written in ages.
I'm four months pregnant, having a baby the first week of June. My, how fast life takes a turn from traveling free in Europe, to coming home and meeting a new kind of person, and looking into the prospects of marriage, to being pregnant and not even sure if we'll be together longterm. Suddenly I'm planning my life around a child. It's the greatest gift, but I believe, also the greatest challenge. I'll be shaping the brain of an old soul with a new brain in a new body, before my own brain is even fully developed
She/he is already kicking a lot... it's an active one based on the sonogram I had. She/he loves to bounce around in my uterus like one would on a trampoline, and also loves to reach down to its toes. I especially feel the baby move when my heart rate goes up.
Who's the daddy? Someone I'm with, but not marrying. These last few months have been a time of deep humbling and soul-searching for me. I've been learning that sometimes it's best to leave things unsaid. I'm learning what it means for me to be true to myself, to start caring more for others, when to compromise, and when not to. I've also found myself more honest than ever, and in that honesty finding that I have become almost entirely resigned to life, and have been blaming the decayed parts within that I am just beginning to see, on everyone else around me who isn't who I want them to be. And the soul within me has been inviting me to sort through those decayed parts and seek out newness. The stereotype for pregnant women is that they are completely irrational bitches who cry at the drop of a dime, but I am discovering that the intensified hormones, and consequentially the intensified emotions were designed to soften hearts that have become stoney, and have them process some of the old baggage before embarking on a journey of absolute newness that begs for tender, open hearts.
I am apprehensive - sometimes terrified - of how all this is going to work out, I'm also hormonal (but thank God, done with the hellish "morning" sickness), and facing taking on the responsibilities of raising a child almost single-handedly.
That's only part of why I'm writing right now. My friend, and I dare say, one of the greatest inspirations for my life, Isaac Lehr died today from cancer, and I need to process it a bit. He died at thirty-something ridiculous, leaving a wife and four kids between 6 and 13. He only matches one other person I've ever met in forthright (often brutal) honesty, loving-kindness, compassion, earnest desire to live wholeheartedly, to pour into others, and to drink in the hearts of others, and know them intimately. He is my icon of joy and trust, in the midst of crippling pain and approaching death. I knew him for four days, and he changed my life. And then I was blessed to know him even more deeply for a month and a half, and he threw the doors of my heart wide open. Then I witnessed a small piece of his heart through the process of cancer attacking his body, and I am left wishing I had told him again how much WHO HE WAS fed my soul and inspired me. I am left desperately hoping to marry an Isaac Lehr one day. How one man, one large, mean-looking man with a shaved head, a piercing in his lip with a stud in the shape of a horn coming out of his chin above his reddish goatee, along with a tattoo covered bodied that told the story of his marriage, and his faith, and the clothes and music taste of an absolute punk... how this one man rocked my world and opened my eyes to reality, will be a story to tell my children. Definitely a story of how the greatest gifts come in the more eccentric packages (and how often the gifts in more impressive wrapping are ultimately disappointing).
For the greatest hug I've had, for the most comforting chest I've ever leaned my head up against, for the strongest arms that ever held me up, for the man who first made my heart believe that the depths of devoted love for his wife could be endless and boundless and with wreckless abandon - when my heart believed love like that was impossible to come by, and for the first whiff of full-on, loving honesty I ever encountered, THANK YOU.
Now like the dance I shared with my unborn child last night, the dance flows by taking one step at a time, and experiencing each step fully. It flows by surrending to the resistance you begin to feel when going where you have not yet ventured, rather than fighting where you are right now.
Words from the dance at Body Choir that inspired me last night: When babies are born, their brains are not fully developed. Each new experience creates connections in their brains, and ultimately creates that person, who is changing physically and imperceivably with each new experience. Onward through life, our brains become new brains with each experience. So then, what kind of brain do you want to have? And what will it take to get that new brain you desire?
Farewell my friends.. Happy New Year
| | |
| "Unwritten"
I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
Oh, oh, oh
I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten | | |
| The supreme good is like water, which nourishes all things without trying to. It is content with the low places that people disdain. This it is like the Tao. In dwelling, live close to the ground. In thinking, keep to the simple. In conflict, be fair and generous. In governing, don't try to control. In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present. When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everybody will respect you. | | |
|
