Interests:Power Rangers, Star Wars, all things Sabanese, 90s nostalgia, action figures, DC Comics, Marvel Comics, pro wrestling, robots, and most of all, my wonderful and extraordinarily sexy Jani. Favorite food is Mexican and Japanese, favorite color is blue, favorite Cobra troop is Crimson Guard. Expertise:Knowledge of useless pop culture trivia and toy history; also a decent writer Occupation:Sales Industry:Retail
CYBER SUNDAY RESULTS (Italicized words represent the aspect of the match voted on by fans at WWE.com)
-Ridiculously Overbooked Tag Team Match:
Cryme Tyme (JTG and Shad) def. the Highlanders (Rory and Robbie), Lance
Cade and Trevor Murdoch, and Viscera and Charlie Haas in a Texas Tornado match. As if you couldn't see that one coming.
-Umaga def. Kane. Again,
no surprises. If given the opportunity to push a fat Samoan guy
with practically no ability to the exclusion of everyone else, even
people who have been loyal employees for over a decade, you must push!
-Intercontinental Title Match: Jeff Hardy (C) def. Carlito. What happened to Carlito's middle and last names? That's not cool.
-Edge and Randy Orton def. DX (Shawn Michaels and Triple H) (Eric Bischoff was the guest referee). If Randy Orton is in the nWo, I fucking quit.
-Women's Championship Tournament Final: Lita def. Mickie James to claim the championship in a Diva Lumberjacks match
(ooh, scary, I better not go outside the ring or that 98-pound Maria
will beat me up). Maybe by the time Mickie wins it back, TNA will
have a Monday night show, and she can appear on it to throw the Women's
belt in the trash.
-World Tag Team Title Match: Ric Flair and Rowdy Roddy Piper def. The Spirit Squad (Boring Green White Kid and Boring Green White Kid) (C)
to become the new champions. Oh well, maybe the American Dream
will be at WrestleMania. Unfortunately, the Spirit Squad and
their frustratingly-generic antics will continue to stink up RAW 'til then.
-Champion of Champions Match for the WCW--dah, World Heavyweight Championship: King Booker (C) def.
WWE Champion John Cena and ECW Champion Big Show to retain the
title. 67 percent of fans voted for the WHC? Really?
I didn't think 67 percent of fans could name the current WHC.
Maybe more people watch SmackDown! than I thought; good for them.
Good for Booker, too, in getting the win over Vince's new favorite Cena
and the always-menacing (in even-numbered years) Show.
Unfortunately, the King of SmackDown!'s achievement was soiled with yet
another appearance by Kevin "What the fuck is he famous for? Oh
right, he impregnated a washed-up teen idol" Federline and an FU on
Queen Sharmell. I just don't get Kevin Federline. Surely
there are people who have had sex with Christina Aguilera or Mandy
Moore, but they don't get
record deals and appear on wrestling shows to bitch-slap the world
champion. But then there's Nick Lachey to blow my theory into a
million smoldering pieces. Well, he's never appeared on a
wrestling show to my knowledge. And don't say he was already
famous for being in 98 Degrees--that's like saying someone's famous for
being in 5ive.
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A brief aside: an Iraqi court convicted Saddam Hussein of crimes against humanity and sentenced him to death...by hanging.
So to recap, we tore Iraq apart and "liberated" its people so that they
could mete out barbaric Old West-style justice. PLEASE VOTE
TOMORROW!!!
Here's an RNC ad against Representative Harold Ford (D-TN), who is running against a Bob Corker. It's probably the most comical and least-effective political ad ever. Even if you push aside the fact that the GOP apparently auditioned for all of twelve seconds to find the actors (they make you long for the gripping performances in a Rob Schneider movie), you can't avoid that the commercial itself just stinks. Who exactly is it targeting? Anyone with sense will immediately realize that 99% of the ad's claims are untrue simply by virtue of common sense (example: even if he did feel that "Canada can take care of North Korea," Ford would have to be out of his mind to say it). Liberals (and a lot of conservatives too) immediately dismissed it as a shoddy, thrown-together last-ditch effort of an attack ad. Even Corker is embarrassed! Sprinkle a little race-baiting on top (some analysts have pegged the...well...I guess you'd call her a "whore"...the whore's giddy recollection of her meeting Ford, where she met him, and the lame "call me" as an accusation that Ford, gasp, dates white women, which I guess can get you voted out of office in Tennessee), and you've got yourself an internet legend.
Michael J. Fox did a few ads for candidates in favor of stem cell research in several states, one of them Missouri. And here's how some other "celebrities" (remember, if they have to put what you're known for underneath your name, and especially if what you're known for is a defunct sitcom whose success will never be equaled, you're really not much of a celebrity) respond. Jim Caviezal...Caveiziel...whatever starts us off by saying something in a language vaguely reminiscent of Arabic, which you'd think they'd want to avoid. Some other assclown lets us know that 15 years' worth of research into stem cells has produced nothing (which is a lie) and that for this reason we should abandon it. Yeah, how long have they been researching cures for cancer and AIDS? Probably longer than 15 years. If we don't have a panacea for any and all diseases within the next, say, three months, we should probably just say "fuck it" and abandon medicine all together. As if I needed more of a reason to hate that unfunny witch from "Everybody Loathes Raymond," a show whose success proves that a huge percentage of Americans are either in need of (or have already received) a frontal lobotomy. Meanwhile, Michael J. Fox will continue to fight for what's right as he slowly becomes immobile. So sad.
As you know if you ever stop by, I think Keith Olbermann has balls each roughly the size of Jupiter. Here's another one of his Special Comments pointing up Republicans' lies, denial, and unaccountability. Keith is my favorite person on TV, and he'll be yours too if you tune in to Countdown every weeknight on MSNBC (8 p.m. with a replay at midnight).
And last but not least, here's President Clinton demolishing failed journalist Chris Wallace's shit on Fox New Sunday. No matter how many times you watch it, it's still funny every time Wallace starts to tear up, suddenly realizing he's dropped a duke in his shorts.
JOHN SAYS NICE THINGS ABOUT CONSERVATIVES
-George Bush knows a thing or two about clearing brush. And also The Google.
-Condoleezza Rice is, at the very least, tolerant of gay rights (or she seemed to be at the swearing-in of Mark Dybul as US Global AIDS Coordinator). I'm beginning to think that maybe Rice has always been a little more open-minded than the majority of the administration and she's starting to leak out subtle clues.
-John Ashcroft has a really good singing voice. No, really.
-On a similar note, Tony Snow can play him a mean jazz flute. Can't say too much for his buddies in the band, though.
-Michael Medved's movie reviews are incredibly fair. He even rated the movie "Death of a President" at 1 1/2 stars for nice use of special effects (most conservatives would probably rank it in the negative-star range)! Of course, maybe he's a bit too fair, considering he gave a positive review to "Batman and Robin." I'd tell you more about "Death of a President," but as there aren't any theatres in the Louisville area screening it, I can't. I do know that, unfortunately, plans to turn "Death"'s US release into a WWE Films production starring Gene Snitsky as the guy who kills Bush only to claim "it wasn't my fault" for the duration of the two-hour movie were regrettably scrapped.
-Rush Limbaugh's little "EIB" logo is devilishly clever.
-According to this webpage, Bill O'Reilly apologized for his assumption that Iraq had WMDs. Assuming this anecdote is true, that was a decent thing to do.
-I could say lots of nice things about John McCain, but I'll pick just one and say he's a hero of admirable moral fiber.
-Karl Rove is like Tomax, Xamot, Grima Wormtongue, Dr. Klaw, and the Kingpin rolled into one. Um, that's a compliment. Sort of.
The Star Wars character was Bib Fortuna, Jabba the Hutt's majordomo
with the hideous growths on his head. Unfortunately, no one wins
the prize, which was a box of new and improved Chikin in a Biskit.
So Nickelodeon was always so worried about Ren and Stimpy. They
made Spumco re-cut episodes, re-record dialogue, and cut an entire
cartoon at least once. But only a couple years later, Rocko's
Modern Life premiered. I don't think anyone at the time realized
it, but Rocko may well have been even dirtier and more envelope-pushing
than R&S. Watch this video, and ask yourself--how in the HELL
did they get away with this stuff?
