Midterms were finally over as of this morning at 11 a.m.  FINALLY.  Ugh... Even though none of them were utimately as difficult as I expected, I'm still not satisfied with my performance on them.  Although I guess I shouldn't bitch too much about that until I get my grades back. At least they're over and I won't have to deal with more tests for several weeks now.

I have an oral presentation and a two page paper due tomorrow that I really haven't started on at all except for finding and reading the articles that I'm going to present/write about.  I've been a real slacker when it comes to being prepared for school this quarter.  All this business shit for museums has really been a bore though and I just don't feel the need to exert myself for it at all.  The biggest worry I have with this presentation is being able to project my voice enough for everyone to hear me.  I'm quiet naturally and to try and make myself heard in a large group of people I generally not a big  concern for me.  But since it has to be, I plan on practicing when I get home, which won't be for a while since I'm going to stay at school til I've written both the paper and the presentation. Harry only has Word Perfect on his computer and that program annoys me because I don't know where all of the commands are to make it do my bidding.  Plus, the last time I used it, it wouldn't let me save for some reason and it just turned into some big dilemma that I just don't want to deal with.

Not that there is much that I feel like dealing with.  I'm in a very grumpy mood night now, and my last class didn't help much, since I always fall asleep in it because it's a very boring lecture class.  Falling asleep there though makes me feel 1) like a poor student and 2) very grouchy because I hate waking up.  I'm not a morning person and even when I wake up and its not morning time, it has the same grouchy affect on me.  *grumble grumble grumble*

I wish I knew what I wanted to do in my life besides this sort of vague idea that I have.  I was feeling more put together when I had an idea for what I wanted to do for my thesis, but the more I thought about the idea I had, the more I realized that would bore the crap right out of me and that I really wanted to find something more creative to do.  The problem is, I can't think of a damn thing now, so I'm back to feeling all wishy-washy and uninformed.  (David Brent voice) Which I hate.

In addition to all of the above things bothering me, I'm also feeling  very homesick for all my friends that I'll probably never see again.  Seattle is awesome and all, but I miss having people that I could talk to about art and writing and being around literature people all the time.  That's something that I totally took for granted in my Creative Writing program and am so much missing right now.  Everytime I write something new, I feel uninterested by it very quickly, because I have no other writers to discuss it with and to plan possible changes in tone, plot, or whatever.  Not that I've been doing that much writing lately, but still.

It seems as though there's never been a point in my life where I haven't really felt that something was missing.  I want to know if this is just because I expect too much of life and/or myself or if there really is some bigger concept that I'm just not  grasping or maybe smaller things that I'm not appreciating or whatever.  Shouldn't it be enough that I'm working on my career right now and doing well in school?  How much more should I really need in my life right now?  It's not like I'm alone and totally without friends or love, because I'm not.  I'm not really doing what I love most, but I'm still working on things that should, ultimately, help me to have a successful and (hopefully) fulfilling career. So why the fuck do I feel so disillusioned and unsatisfied with all of this?  I really don't know, but I wish I could get the hell over it already. Why does my every spare moment that I have to think just make me think of things that make me unhappy?  I'm tired of trying to make myself happy already.  I just want to be fucking happy.  I can't believe that it should really be this hard.  Back in the day I was happy just if I had people to hang out with that didn't suck and who liked me.  I have that now, but I'm still all fucking blah about almost everything and I so wish that I wasn't.

I had a couple of weeks there where I was feeling all zen and content and good, but now I'm back to being my stupid fucking unhappy self, feeling like I have no purpose and no reason for being here.  How is it possible for me to always think myself into this places where I feel like there are no answers available for the questions that I'm asking of myself and the world?  Is there something inherently wrong with me?  Some fucking inherent vice, to use a museological term, that will just cause me to feel unsatisfied no matter what my circumstances?  Because if that's the case, it really fucking sucks.

p.s. I know this is one huge bitch fest, but you'll have to forgive me because I'm really unhappy right now.

Currently Listening Hot Fuss By The Killers see related

blubbering like an idiot
Current mood: drained

I walked in the door last night to find a Halloween card from my big sister, Elizabeth, who I haven't been cool with since two Christmases ago when she yelled at me for two hours, telling me how I was fucking up her life and that I'd fucked up hers. =/  Blah.  Since then I've pretty much avoiding all contact with her as far as possible.  Anyway, here's some of what she wrote:

"Thank God Halloween's over!" -a grumpy tired old person (not me)

Last night on Halloween proper, Geoff and I went to a party his friend Tanya had.  She was dressed as Homestarrunner and there was another guy there who was dressed as Coach Z.  I totally thought that I'd seen the coolest costumes of the year with those two, but later a guy dressed as Leon (you know, the Professional) came sauntering down the stairs.  So fucking cool. 

Yay internet and movie nerds!  They rock my face off.

Sunday night the Haroldenator, Geoff, and I went to see The Rocky Horror Picture Show at the Broadway Grill.  Harry's first time! Oh, how exciting!

I decided at the last minute to go as Magenta in her dinner outfit (see below).  But, since it was last minute and all and I have about 10 minutes to put it together from clothing I already had before I had to  catch the bus to Capitol Hill, it was a very rough approximation.  Basically, though, having an excuse to run around Seattle in little more than my skivvies and a kick-ass pair of boots was good enough for me!  Yay quasi-nudity!  There wasn't a whole lot of call-and-response, but I personally didn't remember much of it, plus people were eating, so I guess you can't expect much from ppl stuffing their faces full of fucking amazing food.  MmMm...  yummy.

There was a costume contest afterwards which was fucking lame.  The awarding of prizes was supposedly based on the amount of applause each costume received, but some of the bitches who won had only gotten a polite amount of clapping, and nothing more.  Not that it really mattered to me much on a personal level, seeing as I didn't enter, but still... it pisses me off when people suck.

This whole weekend though it's been fun and all, is really making me feel like a very old person.  I blew off a party Saturday night because I was tired and wanted to just sit around, and at the movie yesterday, halfway through I wanted to go home and sleep.  Oy... 24 and over the hill already.  X_x  Such a tragedy.