My sweet readers, so many of you are STILL writing your own versions of Thankful Thursdays. That blesses me soooo much. I hope you have enjoyed it....If you can take a few minutes and message me with thoughts on what God has shown you through your weeks of thankfulness....I'd love to read about it!

Now, onto today's topic!

Look back & smile at perils past!
~ Sir Walter Scott ~

Today, I met up with a friend and we discussed the aging of ourselves and being 30, or close to thirty (for me) and all the things it brings with it. I spoke with another friend who just turned 31 this week, and we discussed her child starting kindergarten this fall. It's pretty amazing to see how quickly time flies. I find I get caught up in the rip-tide of time and forget to look back. Interstingly I dont think that's abnormal for humans. I mean, God reminded the Israelites constantly to put up altars and memorials to what occurred in their lives. So, today I am going to focus my time on thanking God for my past...but not just for that, but for HIS faithfulness in the things past. I am grateful for the past that HE created.

I am 28 years old. I could sum up the last several years of difficulty by describing it, but I'd rather not. I will say this - this week I was reminded of a week about four years ago that rocked my entire world. And how I learned how to sing through suffering literally and eventually learned how to soar on those eagles wings that God talks about in Isaiah 40:31.

Four years ago, I got fired from my job after a few months of a torturous and sincerely impossible Christian work environment. I was selected as the annual sacrifice of job for the purpose of intimidation due to my inexperience and very youg idealism. Two days later, my boyfriend wholly unexpectedly dumped me. Two days after that, the job I had arranged for the following fall unceremoniously dropped my contract. And that sunday, I had to go to church and sing "Blessed Be Your Name." in front of the congregation and look out on a crowd which included my ex, students from the job fired from and supporters of the newer job that fell through. The Lord gives and takes away, indeed. I was determined to do that day of singing without shedding a tear or emotionally falling apart. God sustained me, because there is no other real explanation.

In the ensuing months and year, God proved faithful beyond measure, and that song that I had sung with the choir became the theme song of my heart. Even when life was horrible, awful and difficult, God was GOOD and He was to be praised. God showed me how. He sustained me, He provided support, encouragement, and joys in the pain. Healing came eventually....in pieces. And I was able to continue to sing and praise Him.

This week, at my new church, and being welcomed onto the worship team as the newest member, our worship leader asked us to listen as one of the guys led us in "Blessed Be Your Name" and use it as a time to fully worship the Lord. He asked us to only sing the words of the song that we could really sing. And if it meant not singing at all,  then to just listen. He didn't want us to just sing it...but to fully take on the words and send them from our heart to God's. As I listened to Wade begin to sing that song, I just was completely taken back in time to four years previously when I had to stand by and sing that song, not really sure that I could sing it. Four years later, I sat in that practice room with a room full of near strangers and knew that God was saying to my heart, "You can sing this. Your life has been practice for four years." So, it was with a heart of joy and humbled by circumstances beyond control that I sat and sang that song. I meant every word.

The past is a strange thing. Some people wallow in it. Personally, I love to find those moments where God takes you back into the past to show you just a piece of what He's doing. I don't know where we'll go from here, but I do feel like God was giving me a bookend of sorts with that song. But I know that from here on out, that no matter the circumstance - be it wilderness, dessert, sunshine, abundance, sorrow or happiness - I will be able to choose to SING and tell Him "Blessed Be Your Name." -- I'll be able to praise Him, and for now, I'm just thankful for the past. I'm thankful for the past that He's given and the faithfulness that He provides, and the future He's going to lay out before me.

"....The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away, Blessed be the name of the Lord..."
~Job 1:21~

This week, my small group is going to be taking a look at Hannah. Her heart of longing and prayer is something that resonates with me.

But on Sunday, I was sitting during worship listening to and singing along to "Everlasting God" and was considering the words of Isaiah 40:31. "Those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength" or in the NLT, "Will find new strength." -- and I considered Hannah. Her ability to respond rightly in the face of adversity (being taunted by her rival wife) and being obedient to the vow she made to God to give her child back to Him in spite of not knowing whether she'd ever concieve again all came from the waiting, from the longing and waiting on God.

As I sat there, I was in awe of how God builds character and right relationship to himself when we wait on Him. So, sitting in my chair on Sunday morning, I told God "if it means the strength to do the right thing, strength to endure, strength to be the woman you made me to be....then I'll wait on You forever. I'll sit at Your feet, waiting and gaining new strength....."

I don't want to just survive, I want to live. -- heard that in a movie today....and along with a service at church tonight....it got me thinking....

I don't want to just exist, I want to thrive.

I don't want to just sway, I want to dance.

I don't want to just sing, I want to belt.

I don't want to just slide in, I want to jump in.

I don't want to just get through my day, I want to be wide awake.

I don't want to just care, I want to love.

I don't want to just walk,  I want to run with abandon.

I don't want to just cruise by, I want to take it all in.

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When Micah dances, he throws his arms out, head back and jumps around and doesn't care who's watching, or listening and he dances to the song in his own head, smiling a wider than his cheeks allow. He is reckless.

It reminds me of the passage in scripture when David follows behind the ark of the convenant returning to the the place of the tabernacle. He follows, nearly unclothed, dancing with such reckless joy and abandon to embarass his wife. When he returns home, his wife criticizes him and David's response is ..."I will become even more undignified than this and will be humble in my own sight..." (2 Sam. 6:22). He is reckless in worship. He recongnizes that even that action of abandon that he did wasn't enough...that he wanted more than that. That is my heart. I want to become even more undignified...

I want to really worship. -- in everything.

I want to really live.