Practicing what I preach

Guess what I'm doing tomorrow? 

Nope, try again.

Never mind, I'll just tell you.  I'm holding a GARAGE SALE.  It's midnight and I'm still haven't finished pricing everything or making fancy signs.  I'm second-guessing all my good advice to the internet, especially after our fridge repair dude told me I was wrong on every point.  Don't ask how we got started on this, while he was defrosting my freezer even.  We were actually debating about it with raised voices, you know, on account of the blowdryer that was melting the ice.

Anyway, his advice to all you people?  Just make a great, big pile on your driveway with a great, big sign that reads, MAKE ME AN OFFER.  He then gave me pointers on "tricking people" into buying your junk. 

"Oh, like how I got tricked into buying this fridge?" 

You bet I'm out to prove him wrong.  Even when he seems so right at this hour.

The good news is that some of that "grunt work" I talked about (Points 7 and 8) is done by the retirement home where it is being held.  It's a crazy thing, but I've actually reserved a table at this place.  They advertised for people to come and sell their stuff at the home in order to attract people from the community.  When I called to tell them to sign me up, the woman said, "That's wonderful!" a little too enthusiastically.  I asked her how many other people would be participating.  "Oh, there'll be two... You and another person... But don't worry!  We advertised really, really well!" 

And the other thing is, what do I have to sell after only being home from Africa for four months? 

Me: Hon, should we sell this frying pan?

J-M: I might say yes if it wasn't the only one we had.

I had to ask my sister if they had anything to sell and, boy, wasn't that a great-big-pile-make-me-an-offer mistake!  She got her van load of unorganized, unpriced stuff to me just in time to go have herself a BABY GIRL! 

Charlotte Jane was born this morning, weighing in at 7 lbs., 8 oz. - because this is the only time where imperial measurements still count in Canada.  Charlotte is gorgeous and I got to hold her, although just for a short time since I had to get back to pricing. 

You're probably wondering why I didn't start this post off with that piece of delightful news. Probably because this garage sale business is weighing me down so as to keep me from sleep and my baby niece. 

P.S.  Maytags DO break down.

"Thought-terminating cliches" is my new favourite cliche

I haven't read the book, I don't believe in Atheists, by Chris Hedges, so I can't I endorse it, other than commending the author for these two reasons:

1. He is calling out "new atheists," like Richard Dawkins, as "attacking religion to advance the worst of global capitalism, intolerance and imperialistic."  It has been apparent to me, especially since returning to Canada, that there is movement to deconvert people from their religious beliefs by resorting to the exact same tactics that new athiests accuse religious fundamentalists of using.  It's hypocritical and plain not very nice.
   
2. In an interview with John Whitehead, which you can read HERE, Hedges uses the phrase, "thought-terminating cliche" to describe the way our society has learned to function, which is anti-thought and anti-self-reflection. I have been using this phrase ad nauseum this past month after discovering it on, where else, Wikipedia.  It's when we throw out a cliche in conversation, like "such is life," "it is what it is," or "whatever," which shuts down further discussion or thought.  We're left shaking our heads in agreement of nothing. There is no need to take things deeper.  It's becoming the only way we know how to communicate and we are not only stagnating because of it, but allowing ourselves to be manipulated and, ultimately, deceived.  But whatever.

8 1/2 tips to help you throw a worthwhile garage sale
(Alternate title: This post is 2 1/2 months late)

Do you remember when I was taking a look through our local Super Shopper and was amazed at the stories disguised as a sales pitches, in 25 words or less?  Like people selling massive Garfield blinds and Out of Africa - Python Series rugs?  One that especially caught my eye was the 20-year old hippopotamus collection.  I said I would pay to see that!  Guess what.  I did see it and for FREE!  Hippo-lady resorted to a garage sale that I happened to attend the other week.  Here's proof:

I only paid $1 for this hand-carved cutie pie.  My brother-in-law said that because I lived in West Africa, it qualified me to pretend I got it there and not from an obsessive collector down the road.

I didn't see much else to entice my curiosity about this lady's hippo habits.  Most were just resin figurines you might buy at the dollar store.  I inwardly wished her good luck with getting rid of them.  Then someone came up behind me and asked, "How much for your whole collection?"  She sold the lot for $20 and everyone went home happy.

You may have figured out by now that John-Mark and I are garage-sale enthusiasts.  If they made a bumper sticker that said, "Your junk is my treasure," we'd get one for each of us.  For over 10 years we have practically furnished our home, outfitted our children, and stocked our cupboards thanks to garage sales.  I think this qualifies us to have an opinion about them.  We have seriously considered publishing "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Garage Sales," in pamphlet size, of course.

Let me share some of this wisdom for those of you who are planning to throw a garage sale in the near future.  This is gleaned from our experiences, both good and bad. 

1. Clean your stuff.  You'd think this would be an easy one, but there are countless times where I have seen people trying to sell their garbage pails with garbage STILL IN IT.  Get the gob, grease and gum off it and people will pay more.
   
2. Price your stuff.  This seems like a pain, but it is less of a hassle than dealing with customers who have to ask  you over and over and over again the price of one item.  If you are like me, too lazy to write the prices out by hand, there are nifty pre-printed sticker packets you can buy at your local dollar store.  Just stick and go.
   
3. Price your stuff low.  Generally, you can expect to get 10%-20% of the original price/value of the item you are selling.  If you want to recover 40% or more for an item, you should try selling it on Super Shopper, Craigslist or eBay instead. 
   
4. Don't price anything under 25 cents (unless you are 13 years old or under). If you don't think it's worth even 25 cents, give it away for free or chuck it... but not in the garbage pail you're trying to sell.
   
5. Be prepared to bargain.  It would be good to think of the price on that pre-printed sticker as the starting ground for negotiations.  So when you're pricing your stuff, notch it up a bit in order to get the price you really want.  And, hey, if the garage-saler pays asking price, bonus for you!  But let's take a moment to talk about bargaining. This is the joy of the garage-sale for many customers.  I have seen so many vendors get their knickers in a knot just because someone challenged them to a friendly game of bartering.  Comments like "Do you know how much this is worth?" or "But this is hardly out of the box!" does not help your cause.  If you love the thing so much, you should marry it keep it.
   
6. Organize and "merchandise" your stuff.
   • Place your items in categories, like a department store.  A man will walk over to what he will perceive as the "hardware" section, right by the lawn equipment, and he might miss the nail gun you threw on the table with the hippo figurines. 
   • Display your stuff on a table/off the ground whenever possible.  Only the most determined garage-saler will take the time to look through your boxes.  Things kept on the ground, under the tables will probably get missed.
     
7. Advertise well.  Again, you might be like me and miss the deadline to get an ad in the local newspaper, but at the very least, you should have good, clear signage. 
   • Put the minimum necessary information - which John-Mark says is your address only - on your sign in BIG, BLOCK letters.  Most people will not take the time to read the fine print; they're driving too fast.
   • Post your signs at the nearest major intersections and keep the signs accurately leading buyers to your location.  I can't tell you the number of times we've followed a trail of signs that led us to nowhere.
   • Keep the colour of your signs consistent.  Your buyers will be appreciative of the neon pink trail that compelled them to brake hard on the highway and show up at your home.
     
8. Set a start and end time for your sale. Conventional wisdom says that garage sales should run on a Saturday or holiday from 8a.m. to 2p.m.  If I had it my way, they would be all day, every day, but your traffic will be highest then.  Start setting up your stuff at least 1/2 hour before, more if you have lots of it.  As for quitting early, you'll probably need the time in the afternoon to get the leftovers to Goodwill, clean out your garage and count your money. 
   • Proviso: if your sale is out of town/on a back road, you should commit to an all day sale, to make it worth your while.  It takes more effort for you to draw in traffic.  Consider carting your stuff to a friend's house who lives on a busy street.  Give them a 10% discount off all hippos to show your appreciation.

Bonus tip: If you're really, really ambitious and even slightly outgoing, think about organizing a street sale with your neighbours.  This can turn it into a fun community event, a chance to get to know your neighbours (and their obsessions) better, and will make your sale much more attractive.  If it's a street sale, I'll come to yours first.

Happy Birthday, you old soul

Dear John-Mark,

I am writing this, your birthday tribute, tonight, on the eve of your birthday, because tomorrow you will probably not tolerate my spending more time with my laptop than you.  As it is, you're getting jealous of our relationship. You say I talk more to my laptop than you.  Well, of course!  That's because most of my friends are hanging out there.  *Hi friends!*  Nobody wants to leave a good party, even if it's held in a little black box.

But tomorrow we're having a special IN REAL LIFE party for you.  No laptop.  Promise. 

You know, I think this year you are starting to fit into your age. You're a bit of an old soul, which is a nice way of saying that you're crotchety.  You like things in their place and get a little ornery when I forget to return the phone to its cradle or ask to borrow your debit card when I can't immediately place mine.  You like LPs, the library, garage-saling, and your electric toothbrush.  Just tonight I was watching you eat your mashed potatoes.  You formed the edges into a perfect circle, drew ripples over the top with your fork, then deliberately chose where you would scoop out each mouthful, only to repeat the entire procedure till you were finished.  That's pure octogenarian, man.

The crazy thing is, I wouldn't have it any other way.  I mean, you drive me totally crazy when you ask me to be sure to put the CD back in the case, and the case back in alphabetical order, after I use it.  And it's a bit ridiculous that if you're going to the store to pick just one or two things up, you have to write it down. "I MUST have my list," you say before I even have time to roll my eyes.  But I think these are the things I would miss most if I didn't have you around. 

You're getting sensitive in your "old age."  You have started to well up when talking about things that are meaningful to you.  You never used to do that before.  Did Ghana do this to you?  Or your unending frustration of my disorganized ways?  Or are you turning into an old softie?  Just the other day you came to tears when talking about people you appreciate in our church family.  You got watery eyes when discussing your faith.  But when your voice cracked when you suggested that we get to know a person who is new to the church, I thought, Dude, this is serious.

And beautiful.

I guess it amazes me that we can keep changing and growing if we allow ourselves. Sure, we might be born with rigid temperaments and stubborn personalities, but we can develop into willing spirits and open hearts  You're a testament to that.  I've watched you cover a lot of ground in your spiritual journey over the years.  You've floored me time after time with your commitment to forgiveness, your determination to lead by example, and your passion to pursue truth.  You show me that there's no need - and no excuse - to compromise or give up.  Even when we're old, or older than our years.

As for tomorrow, I not only promise to shut down the computer, I will also put the keys back where they belong, turn off all the lights before I go out, and celebrate you the old-fashioned way (low key, of course). Maybe we'll get crazy and throw a couple records on the turntable and pretend we're young again.

Happy Birthday, Honey.

Love, Wifey

Tempted to play hookie: the rest of the story

Morning
Roomie #2 came into room at 6 a.m.  Pretended to be asleep while she packed bags and made little efforts to mute her noise.  Roomie #1, more honest than me, asked how she slept?  Did she try the Breathe Right nasal strips she had given her last night?  Roomie #2 grunted, walked out with her luggage and slammed the door behind her.  I chose not to wake up.

Breakfast
Ate with mish friend again.  Loving her more and more.  Noticed she's wearing Birks.  We both talked about our indecision.  We love to write, but have no *real* plans.  Neither of us brought cards to the conference, for example.  Suggested she try blogging.  At least come to the course and check it out.

Continuing class
Just because one knows how to write doesn't mean one knows how to public speak.  I left half way through to pack my bags.

The session I've been waiting for: writing a blog that people will actually read
Kathy Shaidle of Five Feet of Fury blogging fame was the speaker.  My mish friend showed up and sat beside me, asked me if I checked out Kathy's blog.  No, actually.  Truth be told, didn't even think of it.  Mish friend said it's an angry blog, but Kathy doesn't look angry.  She looks short and normal.  Kathy started off her speech, "So here's the deal, I just got married, I'm getting sued, and I cut the top off my finger, so if I'm flustered, you'll know why."  For the next hour she talked about all the worst things that could happen to you should you start a blog.  We needed to know that people are malicious and you will have many attacks on your credibility, on your ability, and on your privacy.  She talked about being hacked and harrassed.  She talked about "lurkers" around her apartment and installing deadbolts, an alarm system and even buying a gun!  It's all worth it though because this is the last frontier in the fight for free speech.  She incited us all to start a blog if for no other reason that to support the cause that all writers should care about.  She told us to copy-type articles into our blogs that were considered dangerous and could possibly get us jailed because we need to stand up for our rights.  She said we had to be angry in order to get readers and that's the part where my brain shut off. 

I looked at this five feet of fury (although her site, which I have since checked out, says she's actually 4'11'') and she seemed more like five feet of grumpiness.  She has perfected the art of the whine.  She comes across as having a superiority complex and you get distracted from the cause and instead start seeing this as her personal vendetta.

I don't doubt that free speech is an important fight.  There are better ways of going about recruiting believers.  Instead of being inspired to action, I felt compelled to leave.  So I did, with my mish friend, not without writing out a long and honest performance evaluation which stated that she was: discouraging people from blogging, using this session as a soap box for a cause instead of providing help for beginners, and downright annoying.

As I left, others followed.  One woman said on our way out, "All I wanted to know was how to set up a blog!"  I took that opportunity to give an impromptu lesson the benefits of blogging and how to get started.

Needless to say I was a little discouraged, but also interested to see that there are a bunch of writers who need to see the value of using the internet to get their stuff out there and want to explore that.  There are other avenues besides self-publishing or selling our souls to mainstream publishers.  

I know that there is a reputation of "low quality writing" on the internet, but it's an excellent place to hone your skill.  There are online writing groups and writing communities that will encourage and support you and there are honest subscribers who will tell you you're out of line or your grammar sucks.  Sure there are malicious people too who have nothing better to do than make everyone else feel as miserable as they do, but that's an easy one, you have the power to press "delete."

I think the scales are a little more just (to use the phrase lightly).  You aren't at the mercy of your publisher/agent who may/may not promote your stuff.  Promotion is up to you, but it can happen innocuously, so that you aren't pressured to mention it in every conversation, and bring a copy of your "product" everywhere you go, like a starving Partylite consultant.  Your readers will keep showing up if your writing is good enough... or if they really love you.

I suppose I should have saved some of this for a separate post.

Back home
I'm sorting through all my FREE STUFF!  Another bonus from the conference.  Every registrant gets a gift bags filled with books, magazines, and trinkets.  Double Bonus: before leaving, every rookie registrant got to pick a free book.  Long table full of what looked like cast-offs from the organizers' own libraries.  Waded for some time through bent and bruised books, with obscure titles.  Till the clouds parted.

This made it ALL WORTHWHILE.