ironically, i feel better now that he's gone.

I told Joe Dan last night that I didn't think I'd be okay until after he gets back from New York.  The way I see it, New York is way too much time for him to think, and I've become completely terrified of what happens when he thinks, considering the entire melt-down the other night was born of him thinking too much.  I think that he's still freaking out a little, even though he's not admitting it - he said that he never wants to get married or have kids, and that's pretty different from what he was saying two weeks ago.  I'm not sure which is the truth.

I told him I didn't think I'd be okay until after New York, and he said "okay."  I asked him if he thought we'd be okay when he got back, and he said "that's the plan."  I asked him very nicely not to deviate from that plan.  Before we fell asleep, he said that it's okay if I'm not ready, that we'll jump back all the way in when he gets home.

I hope that's what happens.  Why are all of my relationships so fucking dramatic?  Can't I just get a healthy one that doesn't constantly break my heart?  That would be awesome.

oh, shit, how comfortable i am when you hit the fan.

joe dan's probably going to break up with me.  he says we're fine, but we'll see.  i don't think he knows.  i don't know.

he says he can't give me what i deserve.  i asked him who the fuck he thought he was to tell me what i deserve. he said that he just can't give me 100% of his time, and i said that was the dumbest thing i'd ever heard because i'd never asked for 100% of his time.  basically, everything he said sounded like bullshit dancing around the inevitable conclusion that we were going to break up.  only, we didn't. and he insisted that he didn't want to end things, and that he didn't want to not be my boyfriend.  and then he said he could just see how good i was for him, and that he just didn't think that he could be that good for me.  and i, again, asked him who the fuck he thought he was to try and tell me what's good for me and what's not.  i told him that i'd like him a hell of a lot less if his world revolved around me, and that my world doesn't revolve around him, as much as he thinks it does.  just because i don't go out at night doesn't mean it's because he's not around.  it means that, as a general rule, i hate people and choose not to be around them.

and it all sounded like excuses to me.  excuses that i've made to people just to make them feel better about a break up.  maybe it wasn't.  maybe he's being honest.  i don't know.  i told him that if he was just going to go home to "think" for a few days, and then come back and break up with me, then he might as well do it now because that's not fair.  i gave him every opportunity to break up with me, and he didn't take it.  so i don't know.

at least i'll be prepared when he finally cuts the cord.

he kept saying that he'd only been in love one time and he didn't think he could do it again.  i said i'd never been in love at all, so he's probably being stupid about that.  and besides, i wasn't asking him to fall madly in love with me.  you can't make yourself fall in love - that shit just happens. 

fuck.  i'm probably not going to sleep tonight. 

at least right now, i can look at it and say that if he breaks up with me, i'll think it's the end of the world.  i'll mope and be miserable, and then i'll meet someone else and get over it.  who knows.  all i know is what i just told my mom - he is the closest i have ever come to finding everything i wanted in a man.  which means it will probably blow up in my face.

ugh.  fuck all of this.

i told him that i didn't want our conversation to be the dodged bullet that leads to the death march.  but that's how i feel.

he kept insisting that he didn't want to break up, he just wanted to talk.  and he told me that it was breaking his heart to feel like he couldn't be what...well, i'm not sure because i told him it wasn't breaking his heart so he needed to give me a fucking break.

i may have been pretty mean, but i'm not going to walk into a shoot out without any guns. 

he sent me a text message that said "i'm sorry for the freakout.  i didn't mean to hurt you."

i said "I'm not hurt. and don't be sorry. just be honest and it's fine.  only be sorry if you start lying."

fuck me. fuck this. fuck relationships. fuck caring. fuck feeling like shit.

why is it that some people get all the perfect relationships, and i get broadsided?  even when i think i'm doing everything right and that everything is wonderful, i get fucking broadsided.

sure, he doesn't want to break up, but i don't know if i can have a relationship on pins and needles.