| | Part Two Drunk and DisorderlyWe pulled up to the first bar in an immaculate SUV, I would tell you the type of vehicle but I was already a little tipsy. I did however take note of Kurt pointing out a friends house that we would be visiting later on in the day. We stepped out of the vehicle the tinted windows blinding us from the common folk, they all watched as we stepped out, I could already see they were jealous. Who wouldn't be, I had stuffed dollar store ponchos in my ass allowing me to have a J-Lo Booty, a bubble shamrock was hanging from my neck like any well placed bling should be and I had the confidence of a whore at a frat party. Of course my posse was also rocking their shot glass necklaces, dollar store cameras and perhaps most importantly more little shot bottles of vodka.
The first bar we actually never entered, there were hundreds of people and tents. We eventually made it in to Kurt and Whitley's friends who were in charge of the event. We got the hook up from them.... beer koozies, glitter hats and more beads. After about what I assume drunk time would be 15 minutes it began to storm. We were safely inside one of the large tents with a bar less than 2 feet from us, so there was no need to be concerned. Slowly though we grew tired of the place and knew we had a mission to complete. I then sacrificed my Jo-Lo booty gave everyone a poncho and we headed to the next bar. It was also at this time that we began to start toasting and saying "safety on 3" it was an old cheer made up when we used to bust meth labs that were located close to schools...
From what I remember at the next bar we walked in and were handed beers, I believed someone paid for them. I quickly attempted to shove everyone's ponchos back in my ass....because clearly that was important... and I was then handed a shot of something I have never had before, it tasted good so I didn't mind. The next thing I remember we were all dancing on stage, Kurt was trying to be Michael Jackson or Usher by flipping his plastic glitter hat on his foot and back on his head, but really all he was doing was throwing the hat on the ground. I of course was trying to pull off the Justin Timberlake look, which pictures would later prove that I did not come close... we will just leave it at that. Just then the shots and beer seemed to take full effect; Jennifer and Kurt began doing the oompa loompa dance, Whitley jumped behind a screen and did a stripper dance, a 5'8 leprechaun was riding a bull in slow motion and Jennifer began pointing and laughing at the TV screen that was providing directions as to what to do in the TORNADO WARNING... I began to laugh too...what a funny thing to have on a tv in a bar...just then we decided to go to the next bar...it was really windy and raining pretty hard.
I remember going to the next bar and having drinks..it was crowded and we were in a basement.... I think there was music... I had my glitter hat and I blew some shamrock bubbles at people.. .we then left and I guess we went to another bar that was upstairs... I met a girl, got her phone number, her name was Yarissa...I asked her if that was her dirty whore bar name, she replied "Would I make that up?" I said, "yes.", I told her I would meet her later. Around the same time Whitley and Jennifer decided to join Kurt and me in the bathroom, as the women's bathroom had a line. (As a side note many women don't know this but the bathroom line curse was actually one of the punishments that God gave Eve as a result of eating the apple, bitch should have known better). I told other girls that entered that they would get venereal diseases if they tried to use the stall that I used, that's always a good way to get the ladies, why I was promoting that the stall I had may have had a venereal disease I do not know... I am clean... I think... Shortly after we met up with one of Whitley's coworkers, and Jennifer met up with Mr. Senegal. Now I think Kurt and Whitley may have told Mr. Senegal about Jennifer prior to the crawl but I could care less all I know is that the man was a bar back and was providing us with free alcohol. We decided to leave... well I didn't I just followed people.
We ended up at another bar for two seconds, I remember holding Whitley's coworkers hands. I don't know if I was thinking I would hook up with her or if I just needed the stability. I actually can't remember the girl's name, or what she looked like..hopefully she was decent looking. We then walked outside and I smelled bojangles.
Of course we went to bojangles. I tried ordering the picnic basket meal again, but Whitley pretty much pointed out that I was retarded and possibly drunk. She ordered a breast and a biscuit, I was amazed that such a thing could be done, it was like finding out that Santa really did exsist. I ordered the same thing as did everyone else in our group this was due to the fact that we were all too drunk to read the menu. I did order mashed potatoes and gravy as well though..... after licking the bones...we went to Kurt's coworkers house.
This is where the story gets shameful...
I peed in some bushes, kurt was there too I believe, but I really thought it was a great location to have a pee spot. I was told when I exited, the bushes hit my hand and I told people I had washed them.
We arrived at the friend's house, we had jello shots, I was told I wasn't smoking the hookah properly and I needed to hold the smoke in longer. Apparently this may be a good idea if you aren't drinking all day....WARNING holding hookah smoke in and drinking all day may cause severe vertigo and lack of judgment.. The next thing I remember was attempting to clean up my puke from their deck and after feeling ashamed for having done that I decided I would call it a night and walk back to the hotel. Luckily, Whitley (so glad she understands my special needs) had written the address and room number on my arm hours prior and I remembered Kurt pointing out earlier that his friends lived down the hill from the hotel we were staying at (I would find out the next morning this was another group of friends...who knew he had more groups of friends??) So I attempted to walk the wrong way to our hotel and noticed my cell phone missing, I guess at this time my friends (God Bless them) had done everything except issue an Amber Alert. My stumbling eventually brought me back to my phone... and my friends too..
The rest of the night seemed to be a whirl of things.. .. there are huge gaps missing but from what I can recall and put together from phone entries the following occurred:
9:50pm: I text messaged Coco saying "let's fuck"
9:50 and 2 seconds: She wrote "no"
9:55pm: I called her and explained we would.
10:00pm: I sent a text to Yarissa "where u at" she surprisingly never responded..perhaps because she didn't know who the fucks number that was!
10:02pm :I text Coco again "we will fuck"...she was in Chicago by the way..she did not respond.
There were a couple more bars we hit and eventually we ended up at an 80's bar. The dancing helped, but the last song we danced to was footloose and I got a little carried away. I believe I may have looked like a homeless retard on crack. We made our way out of the bar, danced in the parking lot for a while, sang songs and then Kurt and I had a discussion as to why he should vote. All things good drunks do. I was told I kept repeating the fact that I was glad I got my second wind...which I am because we hit a majority of the bars we had on our list... and thankfully I puked and rallied. Our night concluded with ordering pizza and passing out instantly.
(my barack moment)
You know they say it couldn't be done... They said Charlotte just didn't have it in them.. They said people will never come together to help unite this country... but people around the country said...YES WE CAN...and that's exactly what we did...we came together united...(yes we can...yes we can...yes we can..) and we beat the record of the world's largest bar crawl...beating Nova Scotia...and to that I say..fuck you Novia Scotia.. fuck you...
I encourage you all to travel to Char-Lay next year for the crawl.
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| | Posted 3/19/2008 11:21 PM - 0 comments
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