shipwreck

I feel low and unispired; both i think are symptoms of being incredibly lonely, next comes depression.

i've begun to wonder"what the hell is wrong with me" why can't i sustain normal relationships, why can't i maintain friendships?" am i offputting?, am i disagreeable?, weird?, approachable?, complacent?, lazy?, unsociable?. A bitch? transparently desperate?

i must be, one or all of these things.

maybe i'm just afraid.

what a life to live.

i can't have confidence in anything i do, i feel....vacant.

i wish i was superficial, and had superficial "friends" that could distract me. but i lack the means to be callous, that kind of lifestyle requires more disposable income.

i need to find a way to survive in this, someone send me a life raft this is an

 S.O.S.

still 127

this is so frustrating, but i know what i need to do....48 hr fast.

today i had like 600.

not much food tho, just an energy bar, some fruit and a glass of wine. it was the wine that put me over but, i love the stuff what can i say.

i had the day off  today, but it was mostly a waste of time. ..I shouldn't really say that, bc i did run all my errands and junk, i went to the art center but the afternoon was a bust.

i really just wanted to get together with my friend but, bagh...yeah just blagh. I think i'm just in a bad mood bc i was 125.8 after the fast and now i'm still 120-fucken-seven!

bah- humbug now i really want some addies.

warning: the next couple lines are just me whining, please stop reading...NOW.

i need to be 120 SOON, i mean i still have 5 days to loose 2 lbs and be on track but i don't want to wait i just want fucken disappear, i don't even know if more weight loss would really elevate my mood, seeing 125 barely registered. i just want to feel hungry to be in control and to be the thinnest girl anywhere i go.

god i'm sick....

i think i just need to see sam again, but i don't know if i'll ever be able to rest in his arms again.

i'm an idiot

 127.0

WOOT!

I lost a pound and i'm fasting today. That put's me in position to be 126 point something by tomorrow and makes me feel very good about the possibility of reaching 125 lbs by the end of the week, even before my projected date of july 15. Also, 125 would put me at the halfway point in my goal weight loss for the month (10 lbs) and  halfway to my October GW of 100 lbs.

I'm so pumped.

Cheers 

MUCH LOVE

iI need to go for a walk, my dad just got home from Modesto, 2 days after my mom bc he drank and my mom left him there on their way back from Seattle. I will say this, she's got quite a pair.

but i'm none too thrilled to see him, or the extended famly and drama he brought with him.

blagh

MEMO TO SELF:

IT"S JULY

pick up the new NYLON issue

 it's the first of the month and i'm infinately frustrated, i've not lost an ounce and my september deadline is creeping up on me. eek. time to get in gear.

i'm aiming to loose 10 lbs byt he end of the month. which means i have to stick to a calorie plan and sop ignoring my exersise routine.

today i've done pretty well, i had like an ounce of chicken and half a piece of toast. i also rode my bike for half an hour in addition to running around like crazy @ work and doing all my house chores. so i should have easily achieved a 1000 c defecit since my intake was around 300c and my BMR is 1400c.

anyway this is pretty much what i'm aiming for, a maximum of 800 calories  in a 48 hr period followed by a 24 hr liquid fast which will have a cap of 200calories.

i'll go to the gym on the days when i eat and rest on the thirs limiting my exersise to the bike ride to and from work.

if i stay in control i Know i can do this, i already feel very good about the weight i have lost, not that i'm satisfied with my body or anything like that but i feel proud that i've done it and that's really the reason i've been frustrated lately is, that i know i can do it and i would be futher along if i didn't let things interrupt my focus.

any way , it's no use trying to look back @ that, i just have to focus NOW.

i'll be posting more of ten, bc i know i'll need the support and u girls have always been so great. it's really cool to feel i can count on xanga.

Much Love.

THIN/K