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riceboks
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Name: Peter
Country: United States
State: California
Metro: San Francisco
Birthday: 6/28/1985
Gender: Male
Interests: Hi-res photography, hi-res digital graphics, anime, J-music, almost anything Japanese, orchestral and symphonic music, composing in my head, but not being able to turn it into music :), small-time graphic design, and downloading everything in sight. Well, almost. :p
Expertise: Expertise, huh? Washing my whites. Cuz I need clean socks. :o
Occupation: Student
Industry: Computer Science - Concentrati
Message: message me
AIM:  kokiririsu
Member Since:
7/22/2004
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| ...FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
KKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fuck.
Fuck..
Fuck...
Why can't things go the right way?
That's why I wish you were older, Jackie.. so that you would have more free time, some kind of job, some kind of stable life. But what about me, right? What about me? ...
I'm not your real perfect type of man, ...
FUCK.
I hate you so much Jackie.
But it's opposite day.
...always opposite day for us.
...I hate you...
I hate you so much.
I can't even get up in the morning and not think about you too.
..."too"?
...I hate it.
...but I'll be waiting, biding my time.
Because I know I can be ready for you.
...you felt it, didn't you?
I swear, if we don't start making our own kids with our own families in 5 years time, we better do all the work instead.
It's time to really detach from you, until we meet again.
God, I hate you.
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| I love Paddi so much, so much that I take the abuse she's given me.
But right now, I really wish I had Jackie to talk to. She's busy with IB exams, studying for them rather, and by God do I wish I can talk to her. I really miss Jackie. And.. you know.. she does make for a good .. "prospect."
Jackie, I know you won't be able to read this, but dammit.
Damn you.
You made me fall in love with you that night.
In turn... I made you feel something else that week I was gone.
We both have the capacity for it.
I finally let go of mine... what about you?
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| I'm back?Wow, Xanga. I haven't been on this site for the longest time.
Well, ever since October 7, 2007.
It's been the new year for a while, no?
Update?
Still the same old me.
But what about the girl mentioned in the last post?
I'm still working on her.
She thinks about how crazy it is I can't keep to my brotherly role. I think it's crazy how she can't turn her head to me (again) after all I've done.
So what exactly is there to do? I'm still going to wait. I'm going to wait because I have faith. It happened once and I'm assured it can happen again. Maybe I'm trying to force something to happen.. but what I'm really after is more information, so to speak.
Faith? I have faith in her. I haven't given up on her where others have. I can see right through her, even if she doesn't know it. I've opened up to her what she thinks she hasn't opened up to me. And to make matters worse, she likes to hide things so I can become confused so as to throw my scent off.
She knows I love her more than what she wants me to be. And that's what's going to keep us together in a relationship we can't quite explain. We put a label on it, but is it even like that anymore? It grew and even escalated to a point that I wanted.
But it's as she said. One day it just disappeared and she doesn't know why.
There is no clarity into why it disappeared just like that, but I know things are hidden.
Other people will mention how things just happen for no reason.
I'm not 'other people'. I need the clarity to move on with my life.
I love this girl as much as I do my own family. I'm willing to do anything for her as long as it's for the right reasons. What I want to do now is to fix the problems she can't get away from. Not help her run away again by doing other things.
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| The truthMy head has been spinning for two weeks. But it spans over two months. It's only intensified over the past two weeks and it's mostly because I feel like I'm going to be leaving something behind again.
So I've been mulling over the subject of women. Significant others even. Rather, it's not even like that. It's more of a need to have someone there for me, even if they're far away. I have friends, but I'd rather have very close friends. And I'd rather have them as girls more than anything. Why girls? ... Well, ... I always think I might have a chance, really. But if things don't go one way, I would hope to keep her as a dear friend.
I've been thinking hard, maybe too hard, about a particular girl. We listen to each other, we look out for each other, and we're hoping to see each other. I think about her day and night; I worry about what might happen, about things that might go on. I think about the past and of the future ...
...the future
The thing is... I've come to grow attached to this girl. Even if she wouldn't be interested in that kind of relationship, it doesn't matter to me ... I just want to be with her. Because in my mind I would rather not be with anyone else, or haven't found that other person I would want to be with. Actually... it's not really a want, it's more of a need.
A need? Needing someone, for me, isn't necessarily having a relationship with someone, although it would be nice. I need someone to care for, someone to care for me; I need someone who needs me. I've looked far and wide, I've been through relationships that don't even get started... and she always just pokes out from the bottom. And it's a realization that I just made.
Why did I feel that way at the time, even if I had someone else?
Why did I not want to leave her more than the other?
Why doesn't it seem comprehensible about how our relationship is?
Why do people have to be... jealous?
Why did I say I would rather die than not see her again?
...Why do I want more...when she doesn't?
Because I found her. But she's yet to find me.
She isn't what I say she is. She's a lot more than that. And I'm not what she says I am. Because she doesn't know it yet.
And that's why I hate myself. I hate how I ended up this way, and I hate having to deny things to keep it straight. I hate how I just...can't get anything. I've waited, I've looked, I've done everything else. But I get nothing in return. No.. I suppose I can't say I get nothing.. but I know that what I have now is what I need, ... but it'll never be more than that.
Let me rewind to the past so I can kick myself in the balls and tell myself to shut up and look elsewhere.
. . .
Btw: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dependent_Personality_Disorder
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| What is love?What is love? (Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me no more)
Lately I've been giving thought on who is important in my life. I credit a lot of people, but it's those who I haven't known in my 22 years that I owe a lot to. It hasn't been long, but the familiarity is already there. Of course I owe my family for being there for me, but they're family and will always be there. To those who haven't been with my all my life, you never know if they're going to go another way or not. That's what I fear in life after making a great relationship with someone. I look back on this year and look at the friends I've made. I'm saddened by many, but I'm more happy with the few who have stuck with me regardless of happenings. It's those people I thank for me being here right now.
I'm not special, I'm not the smartest guy in the world, and I'm not exactly the most social person. When someone says they need me, I'm glad to help. When someone says they talk about me to their friends and family, I feel happy being recognized. When someone gives me unconditional love ... how else am I supposed to feel?
I'm content with the friends I have because they care about me and I care about them. I love them dammit. I may have stronger feelings for some, but the love is all the same.
This brings me to something else: why do I still feel lonely? I would say that it's because none of these friends can be with me physically, or can't be near me due to the distance we are from each other. Is it that? There's always that distance barrier between us, even to my closest of friends. I don't like it, but it can't be helped. If I could be with any of my friends (if they'd have me) I would be there in a heartbeat. I don't get to hang out with anyone much, other than my own dad, my cousins and Nenn (which can't be done T_T thanks for moving to San Diego :P), so I don't really go out much. And heck if I'm going to go out by myself. I mean..that kinda sucks. >.>
Ah, I don't know. I'm losing my train of thought here. I'm happy with the people I know, and I know they're happy with me.
And dammit, I love you all. And I hope you all love me ...
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