ritskip's Xanga

i want to break free, queen

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 09:12:39 GMT

man, you let a little time pass, talk stuff over a little bit, get out of the heat of the moment...stuff calms down a bit. nothing's different, of course. i still feel the same as i always have, which isn't likely to all of a sudden change overnight. still haven't had the coversation of horrors i've been putting off for a year. but the beast is back in the cage, so to speak.

it hasn't really registered that summer is all but over. no more sleeping on the couch, sadly. i've got a tongue-in-cheek offer to stay in perkins this fall and winter, i haven't decided if i want to pursue that. WAY more convenient for chillin', and frankly it'll be hard to concentrate on schoolwork less than i already do so that's probably no worse than a push. the trick is that it's kinda shady because it's spoth's spot that i'd be squatting in, while paying for the spot in the knoll. and then once winter hits and spoth moves back, but ben moves out...that'll be interesting. so we'll see if i go that route for fall.

very curious to see everyone around me start to do the "growing up" thing. elliot being first and foremost, he's the guy i'm closest with who's all graduated and stuff. so talking to him is rather educating, just being in the workforce and developing relationships with folk and what have you. the thing that's most interesting is that these sorts of relationships are the ones that last more than just four, five years.

that kind of stuff has always kind stuck in the back of my head, like how the baker boyz are kinda at the end of the line. and what happens when we all leave, y'know? who knows where everybody ends up. and anybody who knows me knows that i'm awful when i'm by myself for any amount of time. pat's gone this week and it's going to be an epic failure in nearly every facet of my life. thanks be to arricka and then marsh and ben for keeping me occupied today. but that was just one day. i was alone first month of last summer, that was a catastrophe until pat moved back in. for that to be me for the rest of my life...i'm not ready for that. not remotely.

that's the kind of maturity stuff that tends to get me in trouble of late. kinda worrisome, to be honest. how am i the only one who isn't content to just sit in white-collar mediocrity? and when i say "content" i mean i'm not ready to embrace that as my eventuality. i don't want it to be. i want to do stuff i want to do. i keep seeing signs for places that are hiring and going "that'd be fun to learn to do". because it would! i want to learn how to do stuff, lots of stuff. if i'm going to do the same stuff over and over again, i want it to be something i can at least enjoy doing. like i've always said, i loved the factory and i love the library because when i go to work, i get to shut off my brain and have fun with it, not worry about if i'm doing it right or getting left behind the curve or something. and if i can't have that, i want to at least be learning something. i just...i dunno. i'm just scared of where i'm going to be a year from now, because unless i grow a particularly robust pair...it's going to be somewhere that's going to make me lonely and miserable.

and then i start worrying about my dream to have a family, because that (it has become increasingly apparent) is going to require me to be a source of stability...and i can't handle that. not right now, anyway. it terrifies me to think of being a parent right now. every day i grow older i have more respect for my folks because mom was just a touch younger than i am right now when i was born, and dad not much older than that. i simply cannot imagine what that must have been like, how difficult that must have been for someone so young. and how i far i have yet to go before i get there.

website: http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation?page=1. yeah, it's kinda gamer niche, sue me. it's still really funny to hear his wordplay.

name that tune:
i got the only key to your heart
i can stop you from falling apart
release yourself from the misery
only one thing's gonna set you free

the number of the beast, iron maiden

Thu, 07 Aug 2008 03:57:34 GMT

my life:

******
Do they not have pen or paper where you are?
Because I haven't heard from you in ages
I relive each memory from time to time
Read notes exchanged
With all those scented pages
It's coming back, it's all coming back to me now

Tell me everything turned out alright
Because I'm where we said
That we'd meet tonight
Does he treat you like you want?
Does he ask to take your hand?
Does he believe in dreams we talked about?
When with no music we danced

I thought you said that you'd come find me
I thought you said you'd be home by now
I heard you sang that you'd come back here
So I wrote to remind you to somehow

Dance by yourself and think of me when you do
I'm not sure you understand
What this means to me, what you do to me
But I'm willing to prove
That you're the one
I regret to slip away
Now I know it was only you
That I've been searching for
Been missing all this time

I thought you said that you'd come find me
I thought you said you'd be home by now
I heard you sang that you'd come back here
So I wrote to remind you to somehow

I thought you said that you'd come find me
I thought you said you'd be home by now
I heard you sang that you'd come back here
So I wrote to remind you to somehow

Let the past be past
Let's start today
Letters won't do
I need to see your face
Tell me where to meet
And I'll tell you why we should be
And I'll tell you why we should be

I thought you said that you'd come find me
I thought you said you'd be home by now
I heard you sang that you'd come back here
So I wrote to remind you to somehow

I thought you said that you'd come find me
I thought you said you'd be home by now
I heard you sang that you'd come back here
So I wrote to remind you to somehow
***********

gah! :: bangs head against wall ::

...

:: finds harder wall ::

...better.

website: http://www.instantrimshot.com/ - because my life needs a punchline.

name that tune:
But life still goes on
I can't get used to, living without, living without
Living without you by my side
I don't want to live alone, hey
God knows, got to make it on my own

anything but ordinary, avril lavigne

Tue, 13 May 2008 07:15:31 GMT

so i listen to avril lavigne, sue me.

played some ball yesterday. mooney had me adjust my stance and i started hitting a lot better. high point of the last week easy, last month probably. how sad is that?

still don't have a job yet. boo.

rachel's going to be inducing on wednesday, pray that she and dave and the newcomer all make it out healthy and alive and such.

ugh.

every night i sit here staring at this screen, wishing i could be done with school and not worrying about stuff anymore. it's been pretty well established by now that i'm not really interested in my major. i'm not against it, mind you, i don't hate it...i'm just not interested. it's one of those discoveries i've made...i like learning about things superficially, i like being relatively knowledgeable about a number of topics, but i'm not totally into all of them. turns out, software engineering is one of those. of course, the things i do know pretty well are relatively useless: books, baseball, a disturbingly encyclopedic knowledge of pokemon that defies all reason...

point is, i like working, but job searching is ridiculous because a) i'm not interested in my major, and b) i'm not really interested in a career. my favorite job was working at a canning factory, and second favorite was here at the library. nothing difficult, just solid "show up, do your duty, go home". i know gobs of people here who hate the drudgery, but i love it because it means (generally) i can shut my brain off and just work. and i need that opportunity to shut my brain off because i'm running at 130% the rest of the time. i'm always thinking, always daydreaming, always letting my mind run on tangents. it's so hard to stay focused on anything that requires concentration, so i find myself most productive when i do things that don't take active cognitive concentration.

i miss my big metal box. i miss hauling pallets around. i miss scarring up my hands on those blasted cans. i miss watching stacy dance in the rain.

i miss the stars.

website (this was an excellent article, you absolutely should read this): http://money.cnn.com/2008/05/09/technology/where_does_google_go.fortune/index.htm

name that tune:
Just what I saw in my old dreams
Were they reflections of my warped mind staring back at me?

still alive, jonathan coulton

Mon, 05 May 2008 02:43:21 GMT

been a while, i realize. who knows if that's going to change much.

a while back i wrote up what is essentially the story of my life in lyric form. points if you can name all nine songs:
**********
Wise men say, only fools rush in
But I can't help falling in love with you.

Don't depend on me to ever follow through on
Anything but I'd go through hell for you.

In my dreams, your dreams
Are the only things
That really matter to me
When you smile, I smile
What makes you happy makes me happy too
In my dreams, your dreams come true.

Life just sucks. I lost the one.
I'm givin' up. She found someone.

Does he treat you like you want?
Does he ask to take your hand?
Does he believe in dreams we talked about?

She makes me feel like it's raining outside
And when the storm's gone I'm all torn up inside.

But life still goes on
I can't get used to living without,
living without, living without you, by my side
I don't want to live alone, hey
God knows, got to make it on my own
So baby can't you see?
I've got to break free.

I guess it's over, baby
It's really over, baby,
And from what you're saying
I know you've gotten over me
It'll never be the way it used to be
So if it's gotta be this way
Don't worry, baby, I can take the news okay
But if you see me walking by, and the tears are in my eyes,
Look away, baby, look away.
If we meet on the street some day, and I don't know what to say,
Look away, baby, look away.
Don't look at me, I don't want you to see me this way.

i'm here without you baby
but you're still on my lonely mind
i think about you baby
and i dream about you all the time
i'm here without you baby
but you're still with me in my dreams
and tonight girl
it's only you and me...
*********
the weird thing is, i'm actually doing pretty well in this regard. i'm not nearly as hung up as i used to be. if you were particularly bold, you could venture that i'm moving on.

and then i have ridiculous dreams where the subject of these verses chews me out for not moving on. i'm still spooked.

webpage: http://www.flickr.com/photos/thetorpedodog/2426103608/

name that tune:
Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breathe?

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 19:09:31 GMT

while playing guitar hero III this afternoon:

"There are some things I have accepted that I will never be able to do in video games. I will never beat Emerald WEAPON without looking at the internet. I will never beat Through the Fire and Flames on expert, and you know I'm fine with that. I will never catch them all."

ian decided to quote me. and i re-read it and decided it was actually kinda funny too.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 20:19:38 GMT

one of these days i'll make a real post about the end of my co-op. for now, more nonsense!

Which Final Fantasy Character Are You?
Final Fantasy X

because auron is the MAN. i really should have beaten that game instead of playing 95% of the way through like i tend to do. i even got his dead sexy ultimate weapon! and his name is spelled like mine. that's always good for brownie points.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 17:10:18 GMT

more links! actually just one. score one for the good guys. this better get some play on some mainstream media somewhere.

http://blogs.jsonline.com/brewers/archive/2008/02/14/braun-donates-rookie-of-year-bonus.aspx

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Tue, 12 Feb 2008 20:21:34 GMT

dunno why i waited so long, but here's what you all have been waiting for:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N2Ob1R4dnQ8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-6mJULLbEjo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kwWWx8yazFs

what a great game. "sheik sucks" has been relegated to second place, as this is the high point of my college career bar none.

workin' at the car wash blues, jim croce

Wed, 30 Jan 2008 16:25:46 GMT

so much for that idea. though i may have a lead on a different co-op already. the most frustrating part i think is that i know i'm not as good as i could be, but i don't like SE enough to try to get significantly better. i'll learn as my education takes me, sure, but i'm not enthralled enough to put forward lots of extra effort towards it.

i'm just not cut out for this.

name that tune:
When I look out there it makes me glad I'm not you

webpage: http://gizmodo.com/350091/cheeseburger-in-a-can-is-both-the-best-and-worst-thing-ive-ever-seen

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 15:30:28 GMT

there can be only one.