The tide breaks
                                You watch the stars fade
          They gather you back to their home
                                              I guess it’s better than being alone.

I watched The Last Kiss again tonight. I should have done my homework. I should still be doing it. But instead, I'll sit and stare in the mirror again. I love and hate watching this movie. It's so full of pain, but it attractively raw, which is what undoubtedly draws me to it. If you've seen it,  then you know that it's one of those movies, where you actually can feel the pain Jenna has. I have only felt that kind of pain twice in my life. The first time was, well, the first time my heart was ever broken. That pain....it lasted so long. And during that time, it isn't like it left when I was happy....it was just this constant ache. The second time I felt like that was when I had to say goodbye to the single person who had been able to teach me how to live again. When he left, I felt that ache again, only stronger....deeper. The kind where you feel like your stomach is going to implode, and as hard as you try, you just can't seem to inhale. Where your body is so weak, and yet all you feel like doing is running a thousand miles until you stop feeling it.

I have a lot of problems, and I just never really face them.

~One of my teachers told me that he understands me...that he knows I need people around, but that I simply try too hard, to the point where I'm not really myself anymore. I guess I never thought about it that way.

~I know he didn't mean it in the way that it came off. He didn't mean to get so angry. I understand that he's frustrated....I made him be that way. But remembering the yell in my face, or the grip on my wrist.....the countertop in my ribs....everything feels colder now, and I can't help but cringe when he kisses my cheek. This is an example of loving someone so hard that you push them away.

~There's this guy, and he's willing to make things work with me....or he seems to be interested in finding out what that would mean someday. And all I can do is walk away.....why do I always walk away from what's good for me in order to wait for something I'll never have?

~I'm not going to be able to go to the schools I want to, because I don't have the money. I should have thought about that seriously a long time ago, before I let these dreams go too far. But then I hear his voice saying, "you know, you can do better than those back-up schools you're applying to," and part of me believes that...but how am I supposed to make them see it? Not just universities......everybody. How am I ever going to show them that I can be something.