April 6, 2019

November 14, 2018

  • I rarely get called or contacted. It seems outside of work the people that reach out to me are few. James does, Maureen does, Brendan does... That's about it though.

    Sometimes I reach out to others in different way. It's as if I am testing the waters to see if others will hear my voice and read my words and know they are masking a broken person.

    I wish I had a family I could lean on.

    Robbie

September 2, 2018

  • As years pass

    Your heart dies.

    You lose your innocence and finally see the world you were told about growing up.

    You now know pain and suffering to such a severity that is unrecognizable to a younger you.

    You now know.

    It can seem deniably unbearable at times. At last seeing the things you longed for as a child.

    The fantasy has turned out completely different.

    But you are here. And you are living proof to continue.

    It will hurt, it will heal, you will survive.

    Robbie

September 9, 2017

  • Tears

    This guys name was Klondike. He was 14 years old last night. I had to put him down this morning…

    On Tuesday I had dinner with my mom and stepdad David. They told me that there plan was to leave on Friday morning ahead of the “hurricane” and go to Atlanta for the weekend. The moment they told me I was irked. David is 74, can barely get around on his own, in terrible health, and realistically, will probably pass on soon. I love him so much. (I’ll save those words for another post). My mom is a tiny lady, in her early 60′s, and tries her hardest to support him. They live in an apartment on the southside. However, they decided to leave for the hurricane. I knew something would happen…

    Friday at 9:36pm I get the call from David as follows: “Hey Rob, we are in Tifton headed back to Jacksonville, Klondike can’t get out the van. Can you meet us at the apartment in 3 hours and help us get him out?”

    Welp, of course I said yes. Showed up at 12:30am, waited 30 more minutes for them to arrive. Met them right at the rental and looked in the back of the van and saw the poor thing. David did his best to get out without using his electric scooter and I quickly told my mom to stay focused on him while I stayed with Klondike. I saw a case of bottled water and knew he was thirsty. No bowl in the sight and no point to lose dignity. I opened the seal and lifted his head, poured the water on my open palm as he lapped it up.

    One bottle, Back to urging my mom to just get David inside and take care of him. Second bottle, same drill, drinking just as fast. My mom is back not wanting to realize what this means. “Can you please just go inside and take care of David?” She just wanted to be blind to it but she went. I pulled out my phone and dialed a 24 hour vet. Talked to some young man named Ethan. Asked him if they could put him down. My mom walks back as I quickly hang up. “Oh, who was that? One of your friends?” I lie. “Yep…”

    Klondike lowers his gigantic head (He weighed 150 pounds by the way!) and starts lapping up the spilled water on the floor. Third bottle. Palm. Big old silly, stinky dog tongue! He is still thirsty. Before I reach for the 4th bottle of water I say: “That wasn’t a friend, it was a vet. Mom, this dog wants to die.” she replies in denial saying how he will perk up once he comes inside. I try again to avail as I crack the 4th bottle of water and become more direct. “He is thirsty. He is dying. This is what happens when living things die. They want water. Please.”

    “Not tonight, I just can’t deal with this now”

    Tonight turned into 10:35am in Mandarin here in Jacksonville.

    I am crying now. And it wasn’t until that last sentence.

    Sorry, just had to share. IMG_6071

August 24, 2017

  • Accomplished

    It's weird to finally write it, but I have accomplished nearly all of my life goals. There are days that I wish I would have been a father but I am giving up in that area.

    Robbie

July 31, 2017

  • Annoyed

    I am really getting annoyed more and more with my family. It seems they still have some sort of mold I need to abide by to make them happy with me. Like I need to meet a series of unspoken requirements so they will know I love them and that they can love me and not be worried about me.

    It's getting really freaking old. I have worked quite hard in my life and have tried to help my family the absolute best I can and could have but it seems like despite those sacrifices and compromises and losses... they just don't care at all unless I fill that mold.

    Going to be difficult going to sleep angry like this.

    Here's to hoping for maybe some good dreams.

    I just have no support. No nothing really. And it's lonely.

    Robbie

July 22, 2017

  • Friends.

    I haven't updated this in quite sometime. There have many thoughts on my mind that I have known were worthy of writing about but failed to. However, I am not going to let the thought in my mind right now escape and evade my writing.

    Dear friend,

    If you still read this from time to time I want you to know I appreciate you a great deal. Having friends and social bonds to another human is something we all experience. Some bonds are short, some are long, and some are painful, and some are gainful (Oh shit that just rhymed). The message that I wish I could convey to you will have enough meaning in spoken words or written words. It is connection you experience with someone that is indescribable. So in this moment, words will not express the way that I have felt about you or how close I have bonded with you; frankly, there will never be a moment or time, only a connection.

    And that connection, regardless if you have ever felt it or not, I want you to know it means the world to me. That connection has saved my life on at least two occasions... ya, I wrote that. But besides those grandiose words, the simple mental connection means the most. It amazes me every single time we converse whether in person or over the phone how much we "click" and think the same. It's rare. And when I write "rare" it is something I have experienced only 2 or 3 times in my life. So thank you. You mean so much to me.

    Well, as I wrote "words" will fail me, they are failing me now.

    If I were to die though, please know you MUST give my eulogy. There would not be more truthful words spoken other than yours. And know I would do the same! Ha.

    Thank you BK, for always being there.

    Robbie

May 26, 2017

  • Currently

    Sister OD's on heroin last week.

    Mom's birthday was last night.

    Just got off phone with her now.

    Tells me I should have known to give David my step dad a hand getting in and out of the booth.

    Dad tells me I don't talk to him enough even though I talk to him more than I would like see him more than my siblings.

    I really would just love to have a family that accepts me and loves me. I try not to be a burden on mine at all. I have supported them. But this is getting crazy. I just want some real support. This is like the hidden backside of my life that just completely sucks ass.

    Robbie

January 21, 2017

  • Shouts of Joy

    You saw the danger
    Signs in the dark
    Sons of the stranger
    Know they bite before they bark

    They hunt the preacher
    Right next to me
    Come see the creatures swinging on the highest ring
    I hear the creatures singing every song for me

    We are, we are to celebrate
    With your shouts of joy
    We are, we are the sound
    You're searching for
    (And you don't look too far)
    You found your way to raise your voice
    For the shouts of joy
    Shouts of joy

    You've got the power
    We've got the key
    We tag the walls of pride and decency
    They talk about it but the music and the words are not the same to me
    No doubt about it, every single blank must quad another starving queen

    We are, we are to celebrate
    With your shouts of joy
    We are, we are the sound
    You're searching for
    (And you don't look too far)
    You found your way to raise your voice
    For the shouts of joy
    Shouts of joy

September 13, 2016

  • Packing

    So I started organizing and packing some of my things yesterday.

    Just dropping a line.

    Robbie