Awhile ago, I've posted my thoughts to a question that a fellow Blog Ring member have posted on her page about the Bible and its condemnation of transgendered people, particularly those who believe in God, and in Christ Jesus, who has risen from the dead and will come again to judge the living and the dead.

During the discussion, I mentioned that for those of us struggling to find our identity and living our life wanting to become a woman, in all of her full right: body, hair, face, orgasm, and having babies.  Sometimes these struggles will lead us to places where our lust or envy takes us where we should not go, shopping trips, websites, and other actions.  The thought itself is not a sin.  The act or the enjoyment of the thought -- is a sin.  A struggle with transgendered desires probably is not so much sinful, but an occasion leading to sin.

And in that post, I mentioned something about the existence of purgatory, where souls are purified, whereby their struggles are unwrapped and slowly the love of God comes to dwell in the souls desiring heaven, but unable to attain it due to the stains of sin in this earthly life.

Living a life struggling with discrimination, belittlement, and all sorts of prejudice while having norm bending desires is already hard enough, let alone a spiritual life without the religious right calling us sinners and damning us all to hell before they even know us.  But this is also due to the merit that many transgendered persons have devolved to prostitution and pornographic industry for job, due to money struggles or other causes.  It is a very complex issue, and should not be viewed with a simpleton mind of saved and not saved -- that is not the reality of spirituality -- rather it is what the Protestants have called the foul of "indulgence" of the Catholic Church during the Reformation.  Funny how it has turned around where the "saved and not saved" Fundamentalist position have taken that lack of spirituality as did those who foolishly bought indulgence with gold thinking its their way to heaven and salvation.  In fact, that is not how indulgence works in the first place.  But I shall save the discussion for another day.

In that December post, I mentioned that perhaps this struggle is possibly a gift from on high, just that we haven't quite come to grasp as to what it means to our life, in our understanding of our "self."  And I also mentioned that perhaps this life of ours, fellow transgendered Christians, are not suppose to be an easy one.  Perhaps it is suppose to be one of suffering and sacrifice, where we are called to give up our desires in exchange for God's desires.  Or better yet, ours be transformed and molded to one of God's will.  And this calls for careful discernment in all the decisions in life, but also I think it must necessarily calls for a need of humor, chillaxing, and joy as we live through life.

And you ask, how is one suppose to live life joyfully, or in humor, or in chillaxation when one's own self is in question and doubt?  Where one's desire is so gravitated towards the opposite gender that the mere thought brings tear and aches to the heart?  Or how could one bring themselves to the fulfillment that their significant other seeks when one has an incomplete desire reflexive?  How long? O how long must one endure hazy relationships, ones that never seem to be quite clear as to who and what?  We did not pick this life! It is given to us!

I think that is some of the few emotions and thoughts when I say "live joyfully". Funny, because some of us can't even seem to settle down with "significant others".  Our lives seem driven by our interest but disinterest of woman.  Interest in that we want to become them out of innate desire, or disinterest in that we do not necessarily all want to just fornicate and leave.  For my case, I figured as much that my innate desire seems to come from a deep desire to want to know and understand woman so much so that I want to live as them and be one with her.

This is where the story gets interesting.  As Christians, we are called to LOVE.  And it is important to really understand what LOVE truly means.  Love is an action, and with all action there is a subject and an object.  Take "I love Lucy" for example, "I" is the subject and "Lucy" is the "object" of the action, but she is also a "subject" herself, requiring all the respect and dignity of herself as a human being and a lady.  And for me, the desire to know and to understand woman takes the realistic person out of the sentence.   It becomes "I love woman".  But "woman" in this sentence is merely an object in my world, abstract and no longer real.  Love calls for real person.  And as long as there is no one to love, it cannot be called love.  Maybe we can call it "like", but never "love" in the same sense of the LOVE that we Christians are called to.

And it's not easy to love a person neither.  When you have such strong emotions and desires, everything you do becomes intense, calculated, and interested.  And in a world where being chill is a big factor in relationship, where undue pressure and tension is not desired, intensified emotions, thoughts, and desires will trample all that we meet -- even if we just want to live normally.

When you pack all of these desire to love a person together, and trying to find a person to hang this emotional coat on, they fall and then they leave you -- the isolated lives of the transgender Christians.  The only person that can take on this massive drag is only the infinite God in his infinite Love and Mercy.

I do not want to forget ever what I did last year this time when I started hormones.  It was probably one of those things that I wish I never did, but glad that I'm over with.  I wanted to live as how I am born and if it means I'll have to sacrifice my desire of female sensuality and fruitfulness and learn to be a man, then so be it.  And in light of my gender struggle, so be it that my struggles becomes a reminder for me of what LOVE truly means -- to love someone, but above all else, to love God.

In the beginning, God made man in His image, male and female He made them, and bid them to be fruitful and multiply.  And the fruit of the man and the woman, the child, is the proof of their love for one another.

My journey is just starting from the looks of it.  Though there be aches in my heart, it shall remind me of this call.  A call to love really.


Raison d'etre. As the Frenchman calls it.

"I love you, therefore I am." is my minor modification to Descartes' motto.

--
p.s. a bit of philosophy and a bit of my contemplation in the past year or so.  a lot has happened in my life.  I still struggle with the same problems, but now, I can look at it and draw from it for the hope of future.  Well, for all I know, I could live a very miserable life and not enjoy much of it, but I know for sure that so long I live, I will struggle, and as long as I struggle, I will remember that I must love really.  And that is my vocation, to love above all else, and my heart shall be restless until I have finally rested in God my maker.

Well, after much journey.  I'm finally home for Christmas.  Nobody has mentioned anything yet.  Hope that's a good sign, or maybe they're just tired of this "hopeless" cause

well.  I'm wishing all of you a very merry Christmas and a Happy New Year if I do not yet post anything before the new year.  Eat lots of food, get lots of gifts and have fun!!!

Robin ZM

[Very disorganized, just jutting down my thoughts, I'll try to edit it at some later time]

I know it's been a while, perhaps way too long since I've last written.  I've been struggling with writer's block and senioritus if you will.  I've been thinking though all this time, on how to explain to myself of what's happened and what is to come.  What does it mean to be transgemdered?  What does it mean to go into transition, or staying out?  Many questions surrounds my mind.  But this one is essential because I believe God is in the center of all of this discussion, and without talking about God, all sorts of discussion seem dwarf and minute with respect to the topic as advanced as the mastery of self, identity, search of one's self, and such.  So I must begin my series of discussion on Religion and Transgenderism.

Why religion?  I mean, many people probably believe that like politics, it's the thing that civilization invents to make people subjugated and following rules -- just another means for one group to control another -- if not excuse for discrimination and hatred.  Well, I hope that I can shed some light in this essay into what religion to me is, and what it is not.  And those of you who do not know, I grew up agnostic and converted to catholicism during early years of high school.  And in the middle of this I've struggled with my own identity, who am I? Why am I born this way?  Is there a purpose in life?  And such questions surrounds me.  And through studying philosophy and beginning theology, I thought I could find the answer to these questions.  But the deeper I get, the more confused and ambivalent I get.

A very common discussion I see online about religion and transgenderism is pretty much find a place that will accept you as who you are -- I like to differ.  Believe is essential is all human being's existence.  We seek truth, in all things we do.  Whether one seeks truth through Buddhism, Taoism, Islam, Hinduism, or Christianity, we seek to understand what is eternity, or the life beyond death.  And for some of us, also questions of why we are here?  If we merely find a place that will accept us as we see fit, without any understanding and thinking -- I like to posit that it is not worth it at all.  After all, the answers to the said questions above will all be answered by ourselves.  Why we are here, what we're suppose to do? etc.etc.  It's more along the line of what I say.

What's wrong with what I say, you say?  Well, who is say then that what I say is wrong?  Am I the only one who's capable of judging myself then?  But what if I don't know?  I sure as anything have no idea what the purpose of my life is?  Heck, I can't even figure out why I'm born this way!  Well, I once heard of a comparison, that we're walking through a maze.  And we have no idea what's the right way -- the only thing we know is a little bit of what's at the end, maybe, but we know we need to get to the other end.  How are we suppose to do that?  Some will probably give up, others will probably try to piggy-back on others, and many will band together to travel on this journey.  But if we don't have a map or some sort of guide, how are we suppose to get to the end?

In the Christian religion, we believe that God, who is the maker of this maze, who has send Jesus as one of us, has gone through this maze once, leaving us clues and hints along the way.  And it is our believe too that once in a while in a person's life, that God may even give us some hint as to which way to go!  And that is partly the reason why I'm still a Christian, and not abandoning my religion.  It is like part of a puzzle, you see it and you realize immediately that it is important and part of the picture -- exception is sometimes you have no idea where to put it or how to arrange it.

Well, I think that's the hardest part, living in the modern days where everybody is getting together with everybody else -- while you're standing at the side line -- and this is the biggest struggle of the necessity of religion and transgenderism.

So in my own way, I say that religion is necessary to figure out my "ends".  I guess it all lies in the question, where are you going?  Where is the end?  If one's end is something that last for a very long time (50, 60, 70, or even forever), it is something very much worth thinking about.  For instance, if one were to alter their body for the purposes of transitioning, there is at least at present time, or the near future, no possibility of reverting -- that decision stands until death.  Well, this then makes life very different from someone who is holding out.  It is this notion of very long time, like a commitment to some ends, that makes journey through life worth thinking about.  And I believe in my journey, the two sure hints I've got is my believe and my weird gender struggle.  It means something, I just have to figure it out, perhaps in the context of each other, or perhaps something else.  But I definitely do not intend to throw away neither for the sake of keeping either.

Wow, terrible writing, but there's an old saying, "I get my inspiration every day 9:45 in the morning".  Gotta start to break writer's block somewhere eh?  Again, some of this stuff is disjoint and fussy if not contradictory and confusing, go easy on me eh? No bashing! >:|


;)