Pitty Party

So lately I’ve been seeing just how insecure I am.  It’s kind of weird to find all these things that you thought didn’t really matter, but in fact, it really does.  First of all, I think that I am a really horrible person.  It explains a lot and well, it leads to the inevitable conclusion that I will end up alone.  I guess at first I seem like a nice guy, but in the end I drive people away for various reasons.  If I could prevent this, I would, but I haven’t seen the true reasoning behind what it is that I do drive them away.  All I know is that it’s my fault.  So how did I come to such a conclusion?  Well, I was bored the other day and I was going through numbers and realize that I really have no one to call.  There’s not one person that I feel comfortable enough to just randomly call.  I have lost all the close people in my life.  I could sit in this apartment for a week and maybe receive only a call from my parents.  But as much as I want to just go inside myself and forget the world, I have this crushing fear of being forgotten.  There’s just something in me that screams to be seen.  It pissed me off the other day when the waiter skipped me.  People said that it was because I didn’t speak up, but it wasn’t that.  He made eye contact with the people that were ordering.  He didn’t even look at me.  I guess I wouldn’t really look at myself either.  I really have a problem with hating myself, that I’m just not good enough.  We could probably trace that down to the fact that I was hardly reassured as a kid that I was good.  No matter how hard I tried it was never good enough.  I’ve never been good enough and I doubt I ever will.  And if you’re not the best, you get left.  Which brings us to the girl issue.  I have a problem of falling for girls who really should have no interest in me.  And I am also stuck on one girl who isn’t really that right for me, and who I’ve been told doesn’t deserve me.  But I can’t get past it.  I think it’s because if I can’t get the wrong girl, what in the world would the right girl want to do with me.  I was told that I need to have confidence.  Then again, the people who think I’m confident think that I am too confident.  I am a paradox.  I guess that’s part of why everyone leaves me.  It’s not really the distance because distance doesn’t really matter, it’s me.  I mean I’ve stayed friends with people over long distances for a while.  But there’s a level of me that people get to know that turns them away.  I guess that’s why my best friend still doesn’t want to talk to me.  That’s why my former best friend stabbed me in the back to get away from me.  Why I can go through a list of 200+ names and have no one to call.  What’s the point?  And still, I can’t retreat into the silence.  Whoever reads this will probably think that I should stop pitying myself.  There are far worse off people in this world.  That is true and I would never say that I’m worse than them.  It’s just that I have this crushing loneliness that seems to get worse.  And being alone can be one of the worse things in the world.  It’s not necessarily being physically alone, but having this mental and emotional detachment from people, knowing that even if you do reach out, there’s nothing to reach out to.

She keeps moving forward

Little step by step

Into the darkness she stumbles

or is she just blind?

But the thing is those steps take her farther

than any miles I’ve run.

Cause while her faith is blind and pressing

mine’s just deaf and dumb.

So little does she know of her triumph

cause all the pieces are there but scattered.

I’m the one still missing some

even though the picture looks done.

            There always seemed to be a plan.  There had to be a plan.  If not, then it was all so meaningless.  But now, now it’s all fucked!  I mean, if there was a plan, well that plan is dead and gone.  It’s all given into anarchy.  Whatever hope I had, is now dead and gone.  I’ve reserved my fate to this.  To be forever tormented about things that I cannot help.  To be a fool and know full well why and how I am.  But in the end, can I help it?  The plan is gone.  The plan is now nothing but a meaningless, empty, pathetic hope that has long sense been gone.  The thing is that I seemed to have filled it with enough formaldehyde to keep it appearing alive, but by all means and definitions, it is dead.  So here I am, sitting in a dark room with a mummified bit of hope and an insomniac brain.  This is where this text comes.  Part from my insanity and part from my rationalizing, or trying to at least, rationalize my life up to this point.  If my life ended now I often wondered if and how I’d be remembered.  Well, if the answer to the first part was no, then the second wouldn’t really matter.  So, for argument’s sake, let’s say that I will be remembered.  So if in me being remembered, then how shall that be?  I guess most people try to remember the good things about a person.  I was a nice guy who never really said, “no,” unless they really annoyed me or I was a bit out of my head at the moment.  I took care of people, but not everyone.  I’m sure there are people who resent me for not making a better effort, but that can’t be helped.  In actuality, as much as we would like to remember the good, the bad often comes up.  So, here’s the bad.  He was a bit of a baby, always whining about being alone, which is in part true and in part something that I should’ve just manned up and dealt with.  Second to that, I think that they would say that I was arrogant and always believed that I was right.  If you do, however, look at the scoreboard, I was right most of the time.  So, there are points to me and a bit more arrogance too.  So I guess that I do not have a full and fulfilled life yet.  Reason would state that I should go on and try to rectify that, but reason has not had much a part of my thinking.  What was my solution?  I played Russian roulette with a six-shooter Nerf gun.  The first shot killed me.  I tried again, and technically the second shot should have killed me, but the gun jammed.   So, I am a dead man with a Nerf suction bullet in my right temple.  Or course those stupid foam things can’t penetrate, so it’s more of a poetic, no, more of a figurative death.  All I know is that my plate is getting fuller and my heart is about explode from taking in so much.  I guess that would be a more natural way of going.  He died because his heart gave out because it couldn’t take anymore.  By all means it wouldn’t be a suicide and I still might get into Heaven.  If not, I’d simply reason to God that it was he who pushed me to it.  But, then he’d probably say that I was just too weak and that’s it was still my fault.  He’d it the reject button and I’d fall and plummet to the bottom of the abyss to my new eternity.  I don’t know what the future holds, but as far as I can see, I’m screwed.  Please God, let it be ok.

The Question

From the first time I had a real crush on a girl, there was always one question presented to me.  I can remember being bummed out about this girl named Cheryl freshman year of high school.  My best friend at the time asked me one simple question, “What would you do?  What would you do if she was your girlfriend?  How would it change anything?”  Ok, maybe it’s like 3 questions, but the root one would be what would I do.  So there’s the question.  It’s the one thing I always asked myself whenever I found someone new that I was interested in.  Of course there is the physical aspects of a relationship, but is that all there is that’s more?  So from Cheryl we moved to Sarah.  Funny thing is that Sarah presented the question to me.  I think more of me was attached to saving her than to actually being with her in the end.  Still, she was a big part of my life and she is the one who coined the ultimate question.  Although she asked the question, she could not provide the answer I was looking for.  I moved from Sarah to a few minor things that didn’t really stick or matter.  I think it was more of the fact that I was lonely.  Then, high school ended and I entered the big leagues, college.  The weird thing about college is that everyone is so eager to look and see what is out there.  So, I got caught up in the whirlwind too and dated around a bit.  I met Sam, and well Sam and I had the physical thing, but that wasn’t enough.  It wasn’t the answer that I had been looking for, and Sam definitely was not the kind of girl that I needed.  But, she was my first kiss, and a good lesson in digging deeper.  So from Sam we move to Kristina.  Kristina and I were pretty close.  She really helped me to see that I needed God in this decision because I was really striking out on my own.  So, I prayed and Kristina ended up not being the one, but I think I learned the most from her.  From Kristina we move to my current state.  10 years after the question was presented, I have come to one conclusion.  It seems that I have hit a wall several times in my years.  There comes a point where you can’t go any further in a friendship.  It’s that ending where you find your answer.  It took me a while to understand this, lots of heartache.  One of the best friends I had was a girl named Grace.  She and I were like peas and carrots for a few years.  The thing is that I never saw her in a romantic light and as far as I know she didn’t see me that way either.  But we did hit the wall, a point where we were as close as we could be.  After our first collision here, we took a break from each other and found our way back to each other, only to hit this wall again.  It’s kind of like the bee hitting the window.  I’m guessing he thinks that he can get out, but no matter how many times he tries, that glass isn’t going to magically disappear.  Grace and I ended our friendship badly.  We couldn’t cope with windows.  But, I guess the thing about being a smart person is that you learn to adapt, or it takes you a while to do that.  I hit the wall again, but this time I learned.  It’s this second encounter that I learned that there is this point where the only way to progress further is to make that commitment.  To understand that it’s not friendship anymore, it’s something much more.  The only problem is that both people need to reach that understanding and hopefully at the same time.  This whole one sided business sucks, but it happens a lot from what I can see.  And sometimes, sometimes, the other side does come around.  Those make the best stories.  Most of these love stories about both sides knowing it but being separated by some unforeseen circumstance.  The truth about real love is that you have to work for it.  It’s not all Cinderella tales.  It’s more like the night battling the dragon to save the princess.  Sometimes you win and sometimes you get burned, but you have to fight.  10 years of heartache has taught me that what changes is that you want more, and that bit of more doesn’t really ever stop if it’s real, for both sides.  10 years, 5 girls, and 1 final answer. 

The Superman Analogy

            “So how you been, it’s been a while since we last spoke,” he said.

            “Ok, I guess, just some bad dreams.”

            “It’s not her again is it?”

            “Yes and no.”

            “What do you mean by that?”

            “Just some dreams, that’s all.”

            “She was a dream too.”

            “No, I’d say more of a delusion.”

            “Fair enough.”

            “It’s just that it ended so quickly.  I had all of this emotion and one day it all got blasted away.  It’s like that Eternal Sunshine movie.  He forgot, but there were still things lingering to trigger his curiosity.  I’m not saying I’m falling back, I think I just reached a limit as to how much I can let go for now.”

            “Be careful, you don’t want to fall back.”

            “I know, I know, but I do think I’m falling back into one thing though.”

            “What’s that?”

            “My hero complex.”

            “Haha, that again.”

            “Yeah, but I don’t want that.”

            “Why not, every girl wants a knight in shinning armor.”

            “But I don’t want to be that guy.  I thought I was past this, and I don’t want it to be like it was.  Remember high school?”

            “Yeah, I remember.  But you’re still trying to save them.”

            “What do you mean?”

            “You were trying to save her.”

            “But that was in a different way.”

            “It’s still trying to be the hero.  Face it, you’re just a chubby Superman.”

            “How so?”

            “Superman will always save Lois Lane.  He even turned back time just to save her.  You’re stuck in the blue tights my friend.”

            “But I don’t want that.  It took Superman over 40 years to marry the girl.  I don’t want to be a 60 something year old groom.  Plus I look awful in tights.”

            “So what do you do then?  I know you won’t sit back and watch the world burn.  Besides, who are you trying to save now?”

            “No one, but I just feel it.”

            “Honestly, you’ll probably end up alone.  No girl wants to share a guy with the rest of the world.  And you my friend, will always be trying for that.”

            “What?  That’s really depressing.”

            “It’s what you want to hear, isn’t it?  As long as you do these stupid pity things, you’ll never be happy.”

            “So how am I suppose to be happy right now.  I just have this emptiness.  It’s part of where she used to be.  I think I just let go to quickly and now I’m lost.”

            “Man, you really had it bad for her.  What was so great about her anyways?”

            “I don’t know what to tell you.  But all I know is it doesn’t matter what I say or think or feel.  It never has.  It’s always the other person.  That’s what matters.”

            “And that’s why you have a hero complex.  You need to be more selfish about this relationship thing.  Be more aggressive.  You’re too damn passive.”

            “But you can’t force them to like you.”

            “And you can’t be spineless.  Think about it.  Superman only got Lois because the Clark Kent, aka you, side of him grew a backbone.  It was only after that did she fall for him.  So do it.”

            “Maybe you’re right.”

            “You know I am.”