WOW

Im back!!!!!

So it's been a really long time since i've been on this thing.. like a really long time.

Ill just leave it at that..

bye

love

i feel like i am letting my whole worl go out of touch with myself and i dont like it.
there is so much pressure drama and stress..


i just needed to vent and get a few things off my mind.
i have a problem, a mental disorder
i come down on myself
i have poor self confidence
i quit
i giveup
i cant keep with somthing when it gets to hard or too emotionaly impossible.
thats my problem.
i need to tuffen up and grow up becuz life is full of lots of people and lots of things that i am going to learn to not like.
and im scared
i really am
im afraid of life. and what god has planned for me. and i think becuz i am afriad i tell myself that. i tell myself you are afriad you are too weak and to shamful. you need to give upb ecuz you cant go on. you just cant, you cant keep this up becuz its too hard. and i tell myself that i teach myself to give up and stop things that i love doing.i tell myself that everyone hates you your stupid people other people think you are stupid they know you are your ugly look at you cry. do it. your stupid. and ugly. why dont you just die.life isnt worth it. you should give up.
somone told me today that our brains as human beings have 3 different ways of learning and living.
1. belief system
2. attidude
3. past
but only 1 of those 3 things we can control
we cant control our religion
we cant control our past. its done its over with.
but we can control our attitude.
our attitude is the one thing that we decide on.
whether its positive or negitive your attitude is one of the three things that we use to live and learn.
now with our attitudes we tell ourselfs whats happening..whats going on around us.and whether we want to look at the situation and think positve about it or think negitive.
now me sayin gto myself that i need to give up. is one thing that i can control. i just need to learn how to. and i know this.
right now i am having a bit of a situation.
i love to dance. i have been dacning all my life and now its my turn to compete in national compititions. wow really somthing. the practices and working up to it is somthing else. i dont like it i think that its not worth it. i think hey i just screwed up my whole left leg and i am stil kicking fulllength highs with it. and i say its not worth it. to mess up your leg and come home to ice it on the couch everynight while i try to think about somthing else but i cant so i sit there crying becuz of the pressure..
now this.
is negitive.
i tell myself that i can make it that i really can but when i cant.
what happens i learn to know that i lied to myself.
?
is that really wha ti want. do i want to have practice 3 times a week for 4 hours a day and somtimes even more. do i want to have every weekend clogged up by dance. and fundrasiers and compititions..is this what i want. to come home everynight to a swolen leg and feet is this really what i want?
to be unhappy with what i have been given.

but then again do i really want to give up nationals and all the great events and memories. do i really want to give up the memories that can and will be made with the rest of my team? to give up dancing.
is that what i want?

i dont know what i want.
and i have been trying to figure it
can i put up with it..or will i give up with it?
my dad was tlaking to me today and he told me about how he wishes he sould go back to when we was in highschool and change..change things , his grades attitude, he wished he could be on the basketball team on the football tream, he wants to go back to when he was in highschool becuz he closed dorrs along time ago that can never be reopened.
and i wonder.
when i am 35 and have kids of my own will i wish to go back to highschool so that i can change my path that i took if i take left or right?
i dont whant to regret

so i look at my options still open for me.
dance
or
no dance

i know i haveto choose and somtimes i wish that somone else could do it for me. just say hey you arnt wearing that today. put this on. somtimes i wish somone else could make the desicion for me. but i must. if i want t o learn how to grow up and if i want to know how to take responsibility for my actions and my attitude* i must choose i must make the decision.

      Elizabeth's

             Birday Clues.. <3

I would like a new cowgirlHat

I love my middleName

I love pictureFrames

I broke my sunGlasses

Im a sharpie whore

I just got my lipPeirced

Im turning 14

I wear Pearls all the time

Favorite food cheetos

My favorite color is purple

I dont have much lipGloss, but i wear it all the time

I love roomCouture

Favorite drink Monster

I love bunnys, i am a bunny :]

I love hairDye

My room is (purple,limegreen,orange,pink)

I love polkaDots

I love daryQueen

Im a Dancer, im a Nette

Favorite store wetSeal

                             <3 may 1st

i like this song by, last comes first.. yep yep i like it..

The Art of War

You're racing your way out the door while I envision
Sunbeams on faraway waters...
I'm dreaming of oceans of violet and red
In my mind, I heard what you said
Now, Im taking my time to forget....

I'm making you up as I go along
You're making me up in your head . . .
Sunbeams come crashing through the roof
Shattering truth like city-blocks

Your arrogance shines from the clouds
As it irradiates my fallout shelter
built entirely with tattered letters.
In oceans of violet and red
In my mind, I heard every word you said
Now, Im taking my time to forget....

The hands of time pinned me down as she dissappeared
without a sound.
Sleet fell heavily
while faces appeared in my darkened window
to keep me company

Your arrogance shines from the clouds
As it irradiates my fallout shelter
built entirely with tattered letters.
Tossed carelessly into oceans of violet and red
In my mind, I heard every word you said
Now, Im taking my time to forget....

When mediocrity corners you
and beats you senseless
you can tell the truth because
a cacaphony of indifference is
a disposition to dissapoint
leaving me with low expectations.

But I've got a chest full of hopes
locked away somewhere if you need them.
But I've got a chest full of hopes
locked away somewhere if you need them.

Tell me you want this to end this way

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